There’s No Racism in the Future, or in Space.

ZOEI, like the thousands of Americans this month, watched Guardians of the Galaxy. And it was lovely. Halfway through the movie while I was figuring out why Zoe Saldana in green skin gave me a funny inside… a thought popped up entered my mind. Is there a movie Zoe Saldana’s been in that’s NOT set in space or in the future? Obviously, the first thought was, DUH! DRUMLINE. Still one of the best movies ever and easily some PEAK Nick Cannon. After that, nothing. Seriously, look at her IMDB and tell me you’ve seen anything NOT called Avatar, Star Trek, Guardians of the Galaxy or Drumline. I’m gonna go out on a limb right now and assume its because she’s “too ethnic” for a lot of Hollywood roles. But the craziest thing is all these movies set in the future just assumes racism will be WIPED OUT. And of course, in space, all current races are all over the universe (plus all the alien species the special effects folks can come up with). So what I’m asking you now is, if we expect the FUTURE to be all accepting of races and SPACE to be filled with EVERY race ever PLUS every species in the universe, can we just start being a little less racist RIGHT NOW and give Zoe Saldana some more non-alien roles set in present day Earth? Please? Sadly, I have a feeling that’s gonna be rough, cause every fanboy from San Diego to Spartax wants her to do the next 10 Star Treks, 5 Avatars, and 20 Guardians of the Galaxies.

 

The Most Baddest US Senator Gets His Due

Forgive me if I didn’t catch the Daniel Inouye storyline in Ken Burn’s The War. I only heard of the badassness of Inouye via Comedy Central’s all-too-good Drunk History series (have you read how the man lost his arm? I could never have imagined it was like THIS). Between marrying a Ford Foundation board chair and serving Hawaii for 58 years as an elected official, I can see no better way of having his legacy honored than being portrayed by the illustrious Steven Yuen of killing-zombies and dating-farmers-daughters fame. Enjoy, and we’ll surely be posting the other parts when they’re released:

Here’s One Way to Win Ben Stein’s Money

bensteinWell, this be bizarre. And random. Also, ick nast. Who knew Ben Stein had such a thing for goldiggin’ “Eurasian” pregnant performance artists? Who wanted to know? Who wants to un-know it? *raises both hands*

Apparently Ben Stein first met 24yo former escort Tanya Ma at SFO, and they struck up a borderline (for those with zero boundaries) creepo relationship that started with texts, then some Snapchat-type content (y’all know what I’m talking about), progressed to Tonya asking for some monies to support her baby-to-be…and then quickly went south (shocker) after they agreed to meet in a hotel *but* Stein revealed he wanted to do gross old man stuff to her like hug and kiss her preggo body-ody-ody. LINE. CROSSED. In his defense, quoth Ben: “When is it wrong to hug people?” …..?…??…..

If you are a dirty masochist or a goldigger-in-training or now an even bigger Ben Stein fan (for shame), you can read more sordid details here.

I just know I’ll never be able to hear the words “Bueller….Bueller?” in the same way again…

Via Page Six & Dlisted

Pussy Paddler Makes Poons Pop (It’s Not What You Think)

No, really, it's iiterally a pussy boat. And a fun alliteration.

No, really, it’s literally a pussy kayak. And a fun alliteration.

Holy Hoo-Ha, talk about dedication to one’s craft!

Japanese artist Megumi Igarashi —  aka Rokudenashiko — has demonstrated an uncompromising, steadfast commitment to chocha art — to the extent that her latest endeavor has landed her right in the clink!

Rokudenashiko started down the glorious pussy path when, feeling something was “abnormal” with her own fla-fla, she underwent vaginal “rejuvination” surgery. Afterwards, she felt “disconnected” from her remodeled cooter and turned her energy towards spreading the sweet gospel of poon acceptance through her artistic creations — which includes jewelry, an iPhone case, and her latest project: gliding around in a kayak modeled after her very own ladyparts — which promptly got her arrested under Japans’ obscenity laws.

Rokudenashiko’s stated goal is to make “pussy more casual and pop” (if your brains have been living in the gutter like mine, you probably had to re-read that sentence a few times to get what she meant, because the first place your mind went to was that line from “My Neck, My Back”).

Given that rates of cosmetic vaginal surgery keep rising (a survey by the American Academy of Cosmetic Surgery projected there were over 53,000 vag rejuvenations performed by all U.S. physicians in 2009. Among AACS members alone, there was an increase of more than 50 percent in 2008) — which reflects how fucked up society’s perceptions and projections are around “normal” or desirable goddess-given gonads (I blame straight porn) — Rokudenashiko is doing the lord’s work, IMHO. Paddling her “peach on the beach” is obscene?!? Butchering one’s box to look like Barbie’s no-no zone is obscene!!! Rokudenashiko is out of order?!? YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!! THEY’RE ALL OUT OF ORDER!!!

Ahem…Talk about Pussy Power. I bet Drake’s song was totally about Rokudenashiko (or it should have been).

pussykayakAlso really feeling the kayak color choice….perhaps a Rokudenashiko X Yellow Peril collab is in order?

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Check out the petition calling for Rokudenashiko’s release, which has amassed over 20,000 signatures.

via Dlisted and HuffPo.

BROS! WE OWN HIP HOP RIGHT NOW!

BROS! We did it. I can’t believe it. Ever since the first day I bought my Young Black Teenagers maxi-single, I have waited for this day. Come on, you remember YBT right???

That’s right, tap the bottle and twist the cap! Cause the rap game has been taken over. And by taken over, I mean the best rappers in the world are white, just like yours truly, Chad McDougal, part-time cell phone salesmen and part-time community college PE majorer, and ohyea my county’s greatest rapper. I’ve won cyphers at my dad’s law firm’s annual Easter Sunday breakfast and I’ve won impromptu freestyle rap competitions at underground TGIF back parking lots. So you better believe I know it when a takeover has, uh, taken over. Check it:

Greatest rapper in the game right now? You guessed it:

Greatest female rapper on the top of your charts right now?

URGH I WISH I WAS SWAGGY P, getting all up in Iggy like that! Wait, hang on, I just got a call.

Hello? What was that bro? Swaggy P, I mean Nick Young is what? He’s not… uh, what? Oh. Damn. 

Wait, I take back what I said about Swags P. I always wanted to be Kevin Love, I’ve told y’all from the very beginning! These are crazy times, y’all. No black musicians made the Billboard Top 100’s 2013 top track list for the first time since 1958. I’m not racist yo, I swear. But I just gotta say, its nice and refreshing to see people who look  like me finally singing, I mean spitting the rap game, that I like. See, Eminem agrees:

Durian Tourism….made in Oregon

coupledurians

Well, isn’t this precious? There’s a new Très Exotique durian tourism venture, brought to you from a young hip white couple from Eugene, Oregon. Because of course it is and of course they are. White privilege +  disposable income + a dash of Columbus complex….Oh, the places you’ll go!

Some choice bits from the NPR (again, OF COURSE) feature:

“What if a single taste of one fruit — in this case, the durian — changed the course of your entire life?

The moment (2009) Gasik and Culclasure inhaled the fruit’s gassy aroma of fermented pineapple and onion and tasted its cool, creamy, vanilla-flavored flesh, they were hopelessly hooked. Now, after years of traveling through Southeast Asia tracking down and eating durian almost daily, they have become experts on the fruit. And for other travelers who catch durian fever, Gasik has written a durian travel guide to Thailand , which comes out in June….

“It’s very sensual — the thorny texture, intense aroma, bizarre appearance and amazing range of flavors found in no other fruit or natural food,” Gasik tells us by email from Bangkok. “Durian is the only fruit in the world that I know of that combines a very high sugar content with a high fat content. It’s like crème brûlée on a tree.”…

Since the couple departed for Asia in 2012 to pursue durians nearly full-time, they’ve eaten the fruit in 13 countries, including Malaysia, Vietnam, Myanmar and Australia.

And even Gasik and Culclasure have more new durians to taste. This summer, they’re hoping for a chance at “elephant dung durian.”

Elephants often eat fallen durians off the ground, Gasik explains, and sometimes the entire fruit manages to pass through the animal unbroken. The flesh of these durians supposedly goes through a further ripening process that amplifies the taste.

“There’s a guy in Malaysia who says he’ll have some in July,” Gasik says. “I’m really, really excited.”

CBruhs: BARF LOOK AT THESE HIPPIES. Tripping all over themselves to scoop elephant poopfruit into their maws. Who can just up and leave to the other side of the world to eat fruit all damn day?? WHITE PEOPLE. And why can’t durian just be durian and not compared to creme brulee in order to somehow “translate” it? Who do you think knows what the texture and aroma of creme brulee is even like?? OTHER WHITE PEOPLE. You wouldn’t say potato is the daikon of Europe…or something. Actually maybe you would say something like that AZN.

AZN: At least it’s really durian and not a euphemism for a sex tour.

CBruhs: If it was 2 white dudes I would be suspicious that it really was. Well, he did describe durian as a “sensual” fruit. What does that even mean? So what would be a “not sensual” fruit…like a cranberry? Something from Europe obviously because only Asian fruits can be sessy fruits. Anyhoo I’m personally more interested in the Russell Wong Joy Luck Club Watermelon Tour. Coming soon to such exotic locales as your local Ranch 99.

 

Thanks Char Char!

Honoring Yuri Kochiyama

yurifist

This past weekend the Asian American community, nay — HUMANITY lost a legend. But the legacy of Yuri Kochiyama continues to burn bright — not just because she was friends with Malcolm X or supported the work of the Black Panther Party. It was her integrity, her inclusive vision of justice, and her generous spirit (to name a few) that truly made Yuri a stone cold bad ass freedom fighter (not to mention a muse for Blue Scholars).

In tribute, 18MillionRising.org has set up a Tumblr called Because of Yuri, to collect stories and memories from the many people she moved, whether they met her in person or not. Including CBruhs, who is honored to have her submission included (and below). Head on over to #BecauseofYuri to share your praises, and check out the other contributions in honor of this marvelous, miraculous, beautiful woman warrior.

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I’ve never had the honor of meeting Yuri Kochiyama, but her power, her passion, her presence has continually lingered in the atmosphere, like a spark in the ether. The iconic image of Yuri speaking with ferocity at a 1968 anti-war demonstration is branded into my brain, and no doubt countless others — young and old, Asian American and non — who, like me, hope to manifest even a small part of her fearless life and vision. This image of Yuri is audacious, it is righteous, and it still quickens my blood every time I see it.  It shows someone who does not look like what we’ve been conditioned to believe a hero can look like in America, but who was nevertheless propelled by the courage of conviction, who boldly lived her values, and who modeled what justice can look like when we build together. I see a woman warrior, and it is in Yuri’s legacy that I can imagine the promise and potential of our beloved society. Thank you for all you’ve given us.