Kamaljit Singh Jhooti: The Fifth Element of Hip Hop

Today’s guest blog is from Lili GaGa, just like the real thing minus the voice and the schlong:

I think its part of the eurotrancehiphop that speaks to me like its my mother tongue and the fact that he is South Asian. Is this a record? First person of Asian decent solo on the hip hop scene in kind of a big way? I mean he is getting a lot of airplay!! It’s freaking #2 on the Billboard Hot 100!!

I think this deserved a blogpost…especially that he changed his very Sikh name into a slave name… almost too literally?

He should have spent more time in his video shirtless cause if he’s gonna break some barriers may as well bring the sexy Asian man back into mainstream.

Thanks Lili! I had a few things to add. Jay Sean, aka Kamaljit Singh Jhooti, is signed to Virgin Records in the UK and CASH MONEY RECORDS in the US?! What what? This makes him the FIRST Brit-Asian singer signed to a US label (btw). He has tracks coming up with Akon and Birdman (Cuuuu-caaawwww!), and of course this track had lil wheezy. So watch out for him as America gets a little more accepting of the Euro tracks we they all love at the Reykjavik and Amsterdam pop-rave scene.

MELTING NOT: Why Young People Like Me Started Dating Within Our Race

Once you go brown!

Once you go brown!

Great great article on the reversal of the interracial dating trend in the New York Post, especially among Latino and Asian Americans. The author, Raakhee Mirchandani, writes about the moment she realized dating within her race was what she really wanted all along… She makes a lot of sense, for me personally especially. It’s just a lot easier to date someone that speaks the same language(s) and you don’t have to worry about them understanding your culture or having a difficult time talking to your immigrant parents. You hear that Vietnamese ladies of the world America!? I said it’ll make a lot of sense for me to date a Vietnamese girl!

Wild Guess: Bollywood Hero Will Offend South Asians Everywhere

I'm thinking Chris Kattan is standing on a soap box right now, cause those lovely South Asian ladies gotta be at least 5'3".

I'm thinking Chris Kattan is standing on a soap box right now, cause those lovely South Asian ladies gotta be at least 5'3".

First it was The Love Guru by SNL alum Mike Meyers. And now 1/2 of Night at the Roxbury/100% of Mango, Chris Kattan is doing a 3-part mini-series playing himself. Fed up with Hollywood, he moves to India to make a movie and cliche it up. This show is not going to leave any of the White-man-can-do-it-better-than-a-South-Asian cliches behind (they even mention Mr. Miyagi in the damn description from the Independent Film Channel website!):

“In his quest to become Bollywood’s leading man, Chris unexpectedly finds a great dance instructor (part Patrick Swayze, part Mr. Miyagi), trawls India’s countryside for his leading lady, falls in love, and ultimately fulfills dreams he never even imagined. Facing culture clashes, language barriers and complex dance moves, Kattan will stop at nothing to conquer his destiny.”

Do they have to mention DESTINY every time it involves a White man traveling to Asia to “Find Himself” some ass? But who knows, this movie might surprise us and be a great showcase for some amazing Bollywood actors and not be offensive at all. Tune in to IFC August 6, 7, and 8 at 10PM to find out…

Racism: Animated!

Here’s some more booshit white people like. This week’s case in point: Mr. Patel, a series on www.hulu.com that my roomate alerted me to. Created by UK’s Zac Toons, the series stars a middle aged, balding, oh-so-heelariously accented South Asian mini-mart owner. And you’ll never guess: Mr. Patel has a slurpy machine! Oh-ho-ho-ho!  And y’know what else? He likes to lust after busty white ladies. Tee-hee-hee! That pervy Desi scoundrel!  Aaand he has a pet gay elephant with a bowel movement problem. BWA-HAW-HAWWW!!! The sheer cleverness and originality are astounding.

 

 

Each episode features corny Bollywoodish music and eye-rolling titles like “Sausage Swami”, “Korma Chameleon” and “Fists of Curry.”  And then it’s just one tired ethnic stereotype after another. Even disregarding all the offensive shit, Mr. Patel is one of the most juvenile and un-funny cartoons I ever seen in my easily-entertained existence.  And most of the user reviews on hulu agree with me.

This steaming pile of caca reminds of another little amusing cartoon: Mr. Wong. Remember that show? Originally shown on icebox.com, it featured a jaundiced, bucktoothed, “flied lice”-accented Chinese houseboy. Icebox produced 14 episodes, which — surprise! — caught a rash of shit from the APA community.

Mr. Wong’s chinky accent was provided courtesy of Kyle McCulloch, of South Park fame. Out of curiousity, I did a little facebook stalking research on the “talent” behind Mr. Patel, and saw that the voice cast includes one dude who may be of South Asian descent: Nigel Pereira. So muthafuckin what? Tokenism is even worse than a cast of all-whites actin’ the foo, ain’t that right, Miley?

When are fools gonna realize that racism towards Asians is not an exception to racism in general? To our legal eagle readers: who wants to file a $4 billion dollar lawsuit? I think legal action is the appropriate response for this kinda “it’s not racist cuz it’s cute!” crap. Even if it’s unlikely to payout, its sure sends an ass kickin message. Wanna be startin’ somethin?

Bollywood is the New Hollywood

 

Chandni Chowk to China starring Akshay Kumar and Deepika Padukone. No Joke.

Chandni Chowk to China starring Akshay Kumar and Deepika Padukone. No Joke.

 

If this came from the States, it would have been vilified. But because it came from Bollywood, I think it might get less heat… I’ve been to countries where there aren’t many East Asian people, so when your ass shows up, they expect Jackie Chan karate chops or John Woo gun toting. So I don’t plan on visiting India anytime soon while this movie is out… 

 

Check out the trailer to see how they explain an Indian dude as a karate master. Spoiler Alert: Something about the reincarnation of warrior Liu Sheng! Predictable… 

 

 

On second thought, Hong Kong films have been F’N up South Asian people for years… So maybe its payback???

 

Bollywood dance scenes, karate chopping Indian mercenaries, stealing their hot Bollywood actresses after getting them naked. The Myth (argghhh. Jackie. What a waste of money):

 

 

and of course making South Asians stuff yayo up their asses in Chungking Express: 

 

 

On an unrelated note, why do Asian films always have really dorky protagonists with really really hot girlfriends??!! You spend the whole movie thinking… how the hell?!

19% of Asian-American Men Will Die Alone

 

The 7%.

The 7%.

Maybe that’s just exaggerating… a bit. The numbers came from one of my friends, who did a ridiculous amount of work on the crateandbarrel.com website for some firsthand, guerilla-style researching. Along with Census data from the American Community Survey from 2006. But come on, the Crate and Barrel data is much more revealing because we’re dealing with yuppy/suburban/young/middle-class/well educated Crate and Barrel catalog shopping folks who are Americanized enough to register at C&B instead of assuming their wedding present will come in a little red envelope emblazoned with a dragon wrapped around a pearl.

Back to the data. He sifted through Crate and Barrel gift registry info, which is readily available on the website and categorized marriages between different Asian ethnicities using common names in each category (Kim, Jeong, Park for Koreans; Nguyen and Tran for Vietnamese; Lim, Chen, Lin, Wang for Chinese; etc). He gathered data for 2856 people total, 2141 of whom were categorized as East Asian and 715 who were South Asian. The following percentages indicated the marriage rate outside of the ethnicity:

 

Korean: 24% of women (married a non-Korean) vs. 9% of men

Vietnamese: 41% of women vs. 21% of men

Japanese: 49% of women vs. 28% of men

Chinese: 35% of women vs. 16% of men

Total East Asian: 35% of women vs. 16% of men

South Asian: 19% of women vs. 15% of men

 

The numbers that pop out the most are probably the very low South Asian percentages (which is, in a way, expected), the low Korean numbers (also expected), and the very high Japanese percentages (the most Americanized of all Asian ethnicities). Vietnamese numbers are also very high compared to the East Asian average. I should also note that these numbers are significantly different than the Census numbers which are 20% for women vs. 7% for men, probably due to the demographics of a Crate & Barrel…

But the most intriguing conclusion that he thought of was that if we were to take these numbers and take a sampling of 100 Asian-American women and 100 Asian-American males, of the women, 35 would marrying outside of their ethnicity and 65 would marry in (which would mean 65 Asian-American women would be available to marry an Asian-American male). Of the 100 men, since 16% marry outside, that leaves 84 men ready to marry within, but, wait… there’s only 65 available women, which leaves 19% SOL.

I’m not entirely smart enough to know how these numbers jive with the official Census numbers from 2006:

45% of Asian-American women are married vs. 42% of men.

But theorectically (and empirically) this all makes sense. Especially if you live in the Marina. 

The reasons behind this phenomena is another blog post, and I haven’t had the chance to get that PhD in Ethnic Studies I’ve always wanted, so I’ll leave it for others to explain.   

As an added bonus, if you haven’t seen this video yet, enjoy: 

The Daniel LaRusso Plot Line

I watched The Love Guru today. Why? For my favorite Non-Latina of course. What can I say other than it was bad. Although I can’t speak on behalf of my South Asian brothers like my buddy Waj on his WordPress blog, I can say the movie did flash me back to all the Hollywood hits that constantly remind us why white people

 

 

will always be better than Asians.

 

 

Poor Johnny Tran, he had no chance. He had no idea that the same plot line occurred 15 years prior, and I’m sorry to report, Yuji Okumoto from Karate Kid II lost the karate match, his girl Tamlyn Tomita, and apparently his Hollywood career.

 

 

Which leads me to the Daniel LaRusso Plot Line, one of Hollywood’s favorite go-to movie plot lines. Almost used as often as the African-American teen dramady “It’s a tie! Let’s have a dance/drum/freestyle rap-off” plot line (Stomp the Yard, You’ve Got Served, Drumline), the Daniel LaRusso originates from the great Karate Kid II, where the multi-talented Ralph Macchio (aka Daniel LaRusso) out-Karate’s the evil Japanese Chozen to win Kumiko’s heart… only to realize they were both replaced by Academy Award winning Hillary Swank in the sequel.

 

And these aren’t the only movies that show us why white people can do things Asians can do, but only better. Not only can they tune better rice rockets and karate chop harder, but they can play ping pong better

 

 

and of course, be better Gurus. Which brings me back to the Love Guru. Mike Meyers plays a White American guru who studies under the great Sir Ben Kingsley (who should be de-knighted and have his Ghandi Best Actor Academy Award taken away for his portrayal of a cross-eyed Guru). Myers, of course, spends the whole movie trying to beat out Deepak Chopra to be the best South Asian spiritual leader in America. Except for the fact that… well, HE’S NOT SOUTH ASIAN! And I’m not even going to get into the whole Bollywood rip-off scenes. I can’t speak on behalf of another culture, so you can check out the big musical number yourself and tell me if its racist:

 

 

I wish Hollywood learned its lesson when they picked David Carradine over Bruce Lee, but apparently not. You know how bad its gotten? I don’t know anyone else that is as angry about the plotline to James Bond, Die Another Day as much as me (did anyone even SEE this one?). But that movie takes the cake. The main bad guy, a North Korean army general REALIZES that white people are better, and actually goes through a dangerous state of the art surgery (in Cuba) to go from this ugly mug:

 

 

to this debonair PYT in a tux:

 

 

But, sadly, I’m a guy, and the lesson I learned from The Love Guru (and even Waj agrees with this one), is that Mrs. Cash Warren looks great in a sari, and that’s all that really matters, riggghttt fellas??? hello? right?