Slanty’s Seven Predictions for 2010

Slanty of Slant Eye for the Round Eye was kind enuf to lend his wisdom and clairvoyant talents to BCB…prepare to wrap thy brain around his seven predictions for the big Twenty Ten. Start placing your bets now, and I swear to jeebus I had nothing to do with this.

Note: Not actually Slanty's hands.

Slanty’s Seven Predictions For 2010:

  1. Jon Gosselin sheds sixty pounds, enters a Cbruhs “Don’t Be A Douche” Clinic, gets a new reality TV show, and forever after when Cbruhs sees The Goz with another woman she falls to her knees and weeps to herself thinking “Why not me Lord?!!!! Why not me?!!!!!”
  2. Every time this happens she finds a shiny new quarter on the ground next to a stick of gum and always decides that Stride doesn’t actually last that long and that leprechauns should be more careful with their gold.
  3. Sarah Palin inexplicably starts reading (just the comics mind you) joins Fox News, and forever after is known as the lady who gets scared of Asian people.
  4. For a moment I think I become psychic.
  5. Sono Sion teams up with Park Chan-Wook to create a 12 hour epic where a priest turned werewolf takes upskirt videos to avenge his father’s death who’s actually his sister that had a sex change in Iran, with the U.S. remake deftly titled Sono Sion teams up with Park Chan-Wook to create a 12 hour epic where a priest turned werewolf takes upskirt videos to avenge his father’s death who’s actually his sister that had a sex change in Iran.
  6. Much to the chagrin of its teen star Justin Bieber, it lags behind Avatar in total ticket sales.
And my seventh prediction for 2010:
Alone in a dark alley as I’m cupping my balls praying that I can still have children the echos from my attacker screaming at the top of her lungs “I did it for you Jon! I did it for you!” haunt me for months to come…
Lots a love to the Bicoastal Bitchin crew and best of luck in 2010.

Friday Fuckery: JGoz Redemption

Just cuz you need more Gosselin in your life, here’s your Friday Fuckery fix of douche, via Funny or Die.  Basically, jGoz “turns back time” (disappointingly, minus the assless leather leotard) to make amends, break up with Michael Lohan, and generally repent his dildo-y ways.  Have you ever read (or seen the film) Ian McEwan’s Booker Prize-nominated masterpiece Atonement? Neither have I. But I think it’s kinda like that. Enjoy!

Vodpod videos no longer available.

 

Friday Fuckery: The Ed Hardy Boyz

It’s pretty clear by now that BCB loves to hate Ed Hardy/Christian Audigier and parties affiliated.

And now for your FF viewing pleasure is Funny or Die’s “Ed Hardy Boyz: The Case of the Missing Sick Belt Buckle,” an edge-of-your-seat whodunit starring Bobby Bottleservice and Peter Paparazzo. And containing a nod to our beloved Audigier protégé (nice ring to it, eh?) and World’s Greatest Dad: JGoz. Enjoy!

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Friday Fuckery: Jon & Kate F*%$k Eight

Since the exploits and squabbles of the infamous Jon & Kate have been splashed all over the tabloids and interwebs (including BCB) this is one of those ideas that’s realization was only a matter of time:

Kate's hairstyle: Nailed it!

Kate's 'do: Nailed it!

I’m fuzzy on the details since hardcore porn is a bit on the NSFW side —  but the basic plot of this Devil’s Film spoof  is the couple’s marriage counseling-inspired advice to bone other people. In the end, they discover that they really are meant for each other. Aw, romance.

My first reaction when seeing the film cover, after laughing and then throwing up in my mouth, was “Sweet! Straight Asian Dude in a Porno!” Slanty and I have debated whether Jon Gosselin’s presence in the media will help promote Asian men’s image as sexual playboys. Welp, this may be the first indication. At the very least, Jon seems to have created more job opps for Asian males struggling in the porn industry. Today — adult entertainment,  tomorrow — the World!!  DVD due out September 14th.

Thanks BuzzFeed

Jon Gosselin: Slanty Wraps It Up

Slanty,

Many thanks for both kickin off and tying up our blog convo on the (in?)famous Jon Gosselin so nicely. It was a pleasure doin’ the blogosphere debate thang with ya, and hope you’re fully recovered from the weekend and all the tabloids required for your research. Until next time, I’ll take a Makers on the rocks, please.

jon-gosselinhat

Sorry, couldn’t resist one last picture.

In bitchiness,

Cbruhs

This was a blog conversation with Slanty from Slant Eye For The Round Eye, and you can still check out the conversation by following the links from each post between the blogs (Slanty kept it classy, and so didn’t merit the beatdown he predicted).

Jon Gosselin Convo With Slanty: Part Deuce

Hey Slanty,

Thanks for your reply, and for the props on my “wordsmithing”…this is the most generous description I’ve ever received for my tendency to just make words up. Interesting Kimchi roman shower pics too. I’m hungry.

First off, I completely agree with you that JGoz doesn’t need to pass some “Asian” test or assert his identity by continuously holding a bowl of steaming bibimbap. I was just curious whether his ethnicity had been addressed or made explicit in the context of the show.

On to Exhibit A: JGoz is lookin’ reasonably sharp, but my concern comes from the man he is standing next to and choosing to go into business with. Dear. Jeebus. In. Heaven.  And yeah, he looks borderline adorable in Exhibit B. But again the issue is the figure juuuust to the ri-…..you get the point.

Yes, I can also see how JGoz could be be hustlin/providing for his kids in a nontraditional way by continuing his reality shows. What’s questionable for me is how living in the national spotlight has ever been healthy for young kids. And wouldn’t more TV time for Jon = less quality daddy time for the chilluns? (thanks to fellow BCB’er Sherdizz for pointing this out).

And Hey! Did you peep the latest cover of InTouch Magazine?

jongosselincover

It’s JGoz’s exclusive tell-all (Again)! While I realize that these tabloid back-and- forths can take a quick nosedive into mudslinging (even if he just wants to defend himself) I can’t help but feel he’s just feeding into the media frenzy. In this issue JGoz talks about hooking up with Hailey Glassman (who was a friend of the family, pretty shady on his part). And he compares Hailey to Kate — which I feel is a big demerit in the calculus of classiness. And to bring it back to the kids….what harm does this inflict as their parents’ private lives and bickering are on every newsstand and grocery store in America?

But! Slanty, I digress from placing JGoz into the larger context — what significance this may have for Asian America, and your question of whether we should chastise JGoz if he feeds into negative stereotypes about Asian American men.

I do feel there’s a difference between what he’s doing as an individual vs. stereotypes intentionally scripted into film and TV. I doubt JGoz wakes up each day with the thought “as a contemporary Asian American male, how can I reinforce or challenge negative stereotypes about my peers?”  (But as a near celebrity, should he?). So maybe we can’t hold JGoz and what he does in his private life to the same standard as other Asian American images in the media — although it is another discussion to what extent he “chose” to live under a microscope by being on a reality show in the first place.

For a while there, JGoz was portrayed as being nutless and at the mercy of Kate, so I can see how his current image might be seen as him taking back power. Which is fine and all, I just can’t subscribe to the way he’s doing it or who he’s been doin’ it with. I absolutely appreciate the value of having prominent Asian American “playboys”…who doesn’t want to be an admired alpha? But it’s a fine line between being cast as a smooth operator and being branded a womanizer.

jon-gosselin-cheated

So I think it remains to be seen what the overall public perception of JGoz will be in a few months, and whether Asian America will cringe for him (see again: Tila Tequila), root for him (see: Yul Kwon) or if he’ll become another unmemorable figure in the legions  of reality TV known-for-nothings. I do hope, for his and his family’s sake, and for all of our sanity, that JGoz doesn’t turn into the former. I’m all for an empowered, sexay Asian cassanova, which we need more of in the public eye. I just don’t think Jon Gosselin fits the bill.

This is a blog conversation with Slanty from Slant Eye For The Round Eye where the dialogue will span both blogs (and following along should be easy as each reply will link back to the previous part of the conversation).

Thinking About Jon Gosselin: A Convo with Slanty

Slanty,

Thanks for your thoughts on this pressing issue.  You definitely bring up a lot of good points regarding Jon Gosselin (here on out referred to as JGoz), and I look forward to addressing them somewhat/entirely inadequately over the course of this blog convo….blogvo…um, anyway…let me preface by saying I’ve seen very little of the actual show Jon and Kate Plus 8, so will be basing my commentary almost entirely on gossip blogs and hearsay, which totally qualifies me to write about this matter.

Getting to your first thought — I wouldn’t go so far as to call JGoz a “sleaze bag” (unless the marriage crumbled due to his cheatin’ ways)– I would say he falls more in the territory of douchenugget, or perhaps age-inappropriate and slightly delusional. So I feel he’s just a bit sad, not necessarily contemptible (yet).

And I do agree with you that no one should be held to a certain set of behaviors just because they happen to be a part of an identity group — so as an individual, JGoz has a fundamental right to do what he damn well pleases, AsAm 101 be damned! But I don’t believe this excuses people from criticism when they reinforce negative stereotypes that do us harm (see: Tila Tequila, Ken Jeong’s recent work). This does bring up the question for me though – when viewers look at Jon, do they identify him as Asian? To what extent was his Korean American identity discussed on the show? I don’t have a clear sense of this, but National Academy of Sciences needs to do a study on public perception of JGoz, stat!

And while Jon (Mr. Goz if you nasty) could sleaze it up as a display of his (Asian American?) manhood as much as he wants…I think for every sexless eunuch, mainstream media is full of Asian men portrayed as domineering, womanizing, and family-abandoning, so I’m not really eager to greet this as a needed characteristic to further humanize the Asian American male.

OK, onto the fun stuff: in the words of Peaches, does JGoz make the ladies’ panties go ping? Well. He’s got a not too shabby track record: he nabbed Kate, who is a good-looking woman (just mentally block out the rabid possum ‘do), and he’s recently been seen gallivanting with 22-year-old Hailey Glassman and Star Magazine reporter Kate Major. All these wimmins seem to fit JGoz’s preferred mold of corn-fed wholesome “All-American” girls. Which gets back to the question of whether he contributes to a perception of Asian males as more studly if he can bag hot white chicks. Whether these last gals have hooked up with JGoz out of true affection or to get a slice of celebrity pie is a convo for another day.

How about this particular lady? Well first, to qualify as a “playboy”, you actually have to convince people you’re smooov. JGoz just kinda looks old and bloated and awkward to me.  I don’t think JGoz is fugs by any means, but it’s hard for me to look past the mountain of Ed Hardy/Christian Audigier, fake tanner, and hair gel he rolls around in lately.

johned2

Plus, his latest bromance with Michael Lohan seriously throws ice water on the hotness factor, and if you ask me, doesn’t do much to help his fatherly image either.

jon-gosselin-michael-lohan-reality-show

But Hey! I’m an open-minded gal Slanty, so send me these “badass” pics of JGoz — preferably wearing something any normal person over the age of 25 would wear.

So. In short, I think JGoz is kind of an ass. But not necessarily because his marriage ended or because he desires an identity separate from his family.  And I can understand why he might wanna go all mantrampish and start dressing like a frat boy after his 8-child entrapment and  the tabloid circus that could make anyone feel like less of a man. But I say if you wanna feel  like a man – then act like one –  be grown and sexay by taking care of your kids instead of prioritizing more reality shows, endorsement deals, and questionable broads.

And yes, I’m in total agreement with your last point — that you can’t claim to be all Kumbaya just cuz you happen to (or go out of your way to) bang some brown folks. This could be just another symptom of one’s racism, rather than a mark of real progress.

So —  thoughts Slanty? Hit me back!

This is a blog conversation with Slanty from Slant Eye For The Round Eye where the dialogue will span both blogs (and following along should be easy as each reply will link back to the previous part of the conversation).