Trailer Parkin’: Revenge of the Green Dragons

Sometimes AzN and CBruhs spend a whole day’s worth at work emailing each other back and forth about something random until we both realize we should probably just copy/paste and make it into a blog post. This, as you may have guessed, is one of those times. 

AZN: Did you see this? It looks awesome, but just like Revenge of the Nerds, I was wondering where the original film, The Green Dragons is? Never mind, that kinda sounds like a Chinese fast food chain.

CBRUHS: Wow, that movie could be huge; in terms of Asian repping. Like the next Better Luck Tomorrow. Or it could be really bad, but the fact the director is actually Asian gives me hope that the characters will be portrayed with humanity. Like Justin Chon won’t be wearing a bra and a teddy bear glued to his wiener. Or that kid from Glee will take off his shirt.

AZN: It’s gonna take a lot for me to hop back on the HK cinema train. To keep the analogy going, I’ve long since gotten on the plane and landed in Korea and am now firmly affixed at Seoul Station never to set foot back in HK. Was that clear enough?

CBRUHS: Maybe Scorcese exec producing this movie is his way of paying back the favor of ripping off Infernal Affairs? I hope he pays viewers the favor of making Harry Shum Jr. git nekkid.

1360749946_infernal-affairs-2002-33-gAZN: If I was Wai-Keung Lau and Martin Scorsese wins a GD oscar for MY movie idea and forgot to thank the Infernal Affairs team for sourcing him the original material, then the least he can do is EXECUTIVE produce my movie. Executive producing a movie is the equivalent of a “digital introduction” which is right up there with forwarding a PDF to someone in the work world. And did I say “source”? I meant stole cause every Bostonian I know thinks this was a homegrown Boston crime story and no one knows who Wai-Keung Lau is and what Infernal Affairs 1, 2, and definitely 3 are.

CBRUHS: The trailer kinda made me homesick for my old Chinatown neighborhood (altho this took place in Queens) and is serving up a touch of Notorious MSG realness. I’m a sucker for matching jackets, wifebeaters, and manperms. I once asked an ex-banger friend of mine if they were accepting interns. Wish I was playin’ but I’m not.

AZN: If this movie were made in the ’80s I might be a gangster right now. Instead, I had Dustin Nguyen playing a “Japanese” undercover cop. Worst case scenario this might make Asian American gangsters more known in the mainstream which means breaking down Asian American stereotypes right? Hello? Right? Don’t make me come in there looking for your Bank of A-Mattress.

CBRUHS: Affirmative. Here’s where I say something about throwing off the yoke of the Model Minority Myth and the imperative of broadening AAPI media representation. And Harry Shum Jr.’s chesticles.

revenge-of-the-green-dragons-slice-560x186AZN: I’m just super glad Justin Chon is surviving the Twilight series. If he gets an Oscar nom from this he would be getting rewarded, like Anna Kendrick, for recovering from their “Bella’s BFF crew” role for all three (or was it four?) Twilight films. A feat in itself.

CBRUHS: You know what’s also a feat? Mike Chang’s physique. Is his 12-pack — uh, I mean Revenge of the Green Dragons gonna be screening in 4D??

AZN: **ERROR* Undeliverable mail: Your message did not reach some or all of intended recipients and is being returned to sender.**

My New Apartment

I too would like to live like Korben Dallas in the Fifth Element in a one room apartment that changes to a bedroom, kitchen, living room. I don’t know how this architect will make any cash architecting for the rich in HK though – how does the apartment transform to a Filipina domestic worker’s living quarters? I hope to God he doesn’t have a pantry for her… And what happens when you want to get a drink in the kitchen while in your bed? Or while watching a movie? Or you need to take a shower while your wifey is sleeping in bed?

Bollywood is the New Hollywood

 

Chandni Chowk to China starring Akshay Kumar and Deepika Padukone. No Joke.

Chandni Chowk to China starring Akshay Kumar and Deepika Padukone. No Joke.

 

If this came from the States, it would have been vilified. But because it came from Bollywood, I think it might get less heat… I’ve been to countries where there aren’t many East Asian people, so when your ass shows up, they expect Jackie Chan karate chops or John Woo gun toting. So I don’t plan on visiting India anytime soon while this movie is out… 

 

Check out the trailer to see how they explain an Indian dude as a karate master. Spoiler Alert: Something about the reincarnation of warrior Liu Sheng! Predictable… 

 

 

On second thought, Hong Kong films have been F’N up South Asian people for years… So maybe its payback???

 

Bollywood dance scenes, karate chopping Indian mercenaries, stealing their hot Bollywood actresses after getting them naked. The Myth (argghhh. Jackie. What a waste of money):

 

 

and of course making South Asians stuff yayo up their asses in Chungking Express: 

 

 

On an unrelated note, why do Asian films always have really dorky protagonists with really really hot girlfriends??!! You spend the whole movie thinking… how the hell?!

Dear Tony Leung and Andy Lau,

Tony Leung and Andy Lau

These two never age, right?!?!

 

Dear Tony Leung and Andy Lau,

I beg you. Never leave Hong Kong. I realize that since you guys have been famous, Communist China has replaced jolly good England as your imperialist government, Korean cinema has replaced Hong Kong cinema as the main Asian form of entertainment, and your fellow colleagues from Chow Yun Fat, John Woo, Jet Li, Jackie Chan, Tsui Hark, and now Stephen Chow and Wong Kar Wai have started doing movies in the U.S. But as all of us know, those guys are the Leonardo DiCaprios and Brad Pitts of HK cinema. You two are the Di Niros and Pacinos of the game. While they go off and make Kung Fu Panda and multiple Rush Hours and Bulletproof Monk and ruined the Mission Impossible franchise, you two make Infernal Affairs (I’ll ignore the shitty prequel and sequel) which gets remade into an American movie that kills at the Oscars. Sure once in a while you guys do a pop album and make me cringe, but by staying in Hong Kong and doing real movies that show Asians aren’t just Buddhist monks or Kung fu experts, you’re providing us the movies we grew up with. The same movies I had to trek downtown to see on a Tuesday night double feature. The same ones I had to bargain to get VCDs of in Chinatown. The ones my parents and I watched together. Not the Hollywood bullshit that’s coming out today. The Jet Li movies out today are cliches of what the man was. His audience now aren’t action movie buffs, they’re the UFC loving-rap video watching- MTV crowd that got introduced to HK cinema through those shitty repackaged Wu Tang Clan dvd collections. 

So I beg you, especially you Tony. Between Hard Boiled, Chungking Express, In the Mood for Love, and Infernal Affairs, you easily have 4 movies in my Top 20. I beg that you don’t sell out and show up as the next Rush Hour Fukienese Triad villain. Or a Chinese ambassador who’s daughter gets kidnapped in the next Tsui Hark film. 

PS. Wong Kar Wai- You’re next. I’m watching you closely. Picking Norah Jones as your lead in My Blueberry Nights was a risk, a gamble you ultimately lost. Albeit, she technically IS an Asian-American actress, but she was bad. She was Julia Roberts reading from a cue card on SNL bad. So I’m watching your next move. I’m watching you more closely than Stephen Chow cause he went from Kung Fu Hustle to Green Hornet in the states and you went from directing Faye Wong/Tony Leung to Jude Law/Norah Jones. That my friend, is a step DOWN. 

PSS. I miss Faye Wong.