Stop Bad Hollywood Films Before They Are Conceived

I guess there’s something called The Black List? It rates all the best scripts just optioned by studios to be green lit into Hollywood shit movies.  Why am I talking about this? Cause I think Asian America wasn’t able to react to the Last Samurais and Avatars fast enough to kill the eggs before the chicken hatched (or is it the other way around??). So I propose we start with the scripts! Right when they’re bought by the major Hollywood studios and churned into The Hangover 2. Where to begin… in no particular order, from the 2011 Black List of scripts coming to a big screen near you:

“The Outsider” by Andrew Baldwin

In post-World War II Japan, an American former prisoner of war rises in the yakuza.

(Agency: Creative Artists Agency — Jay Baker, John Garvey, Manager: Anonymous Content — Bard Dorros, David Kanter, Producers: Linson Entertainment for Warner Bros.)

Seriously? Is this going to happen? First it was Dances with Wolves, then it was Last Samurai and then Avatar. And now this? When will Hollywood stop with A-White-Guy-can-do-anything-a-person-of-color-can-do-better story line. I get it. The White man can kill ninjas and mate with their tails better than a yellow/brown/blue person can. But seriously? A P.O.W. becomes a Yakuza? Its even hard for a JAPANESE person to get into the Yakuza. You think the “American” former prisoner is going to be an ABC or a Filipino guy? HELL NO. He’ll be Ryan Gosling. PLUS, I guess this movie has already been made with that dude from The Road.

“Bad Words” by Andrew Dodge

The bastard child of the organizer of the national spelling bee gets his revenge by finding a loophole and attempting to win the bee as an adult, only to find friendship in a young Indian contestant.

(Agency: UTA — Carolyn Sivitz, Manager: Fourth Floor Productions — Jeff Silver, Producers: MXN and Darko Productions)

Can we see our South Asian folks as anything other than spelling bee champs or telecom workers from Outsourced or Outsourced (and how did they make a show AND a movie with the same title and same plot?!). There’s no way this can be better than Rocket Science. Only more racist. Don’t try it. UNLESS the lead character is Chinese or Pakistani. But then Middle American heads will exploded.

“Home by Christmas — Bob Hope in Korea” by Ben Schwartz

Young Larry Gelbart goes on tour with his idol Bob Hope in the middle of the Korean War and learns the true price of heroism.

(Agency: The Nethercott Agency — Gayla Nethercott, Producer: Jon Shestack Productions)

I just want to be an extra in this movie cause somewhere in the San Gabriel Mountains or Temecula will be used as a stand-in for Korea and I want to be there with a bunch of KAs from LA in war uniforms going through bootcamp. Who am I kidding, they’ll be using Filipino and Vietnamese extras too. Watch out for Ryan Gosling in make-up as Bob Hope. Or he can play Larry Gelbert. Or a Korean drill sergeant. Or anything he damn well pleases to play!

“Django Unchained” by Quentin Tarantino

A freed slave named Django is trained as a bounty hunter by a German dentist named Schultz, and the two men set out to find Django’s enslaved wife.

(Agency: WME — Mike Simpson, Producers: Weinstein Co. producing for a co-release between Weinstein and Sony Pictures)

If there’s two things I’ve learned from Quentin Tarantino from everything he’s done lately, its that he likes to exploit Black folks (its OK cause there’s a cool film noir word for these types of movies: Blaxploitation) and he likes killing Germans on screen. As long as he stays away from David Carradine as a karate master and Lucy Liu as a Japanese geisha/ninja, I’m cool with it. Sorry everyone else! Every race of itself!

I’m such a hater. I know. So what movies AM I looking forward to? Peep the following movies. I purposely didn’t include ALL the zombie movies I wanna see cause that’s a whole other post and would be a never-ending blog post.

“Maggie” by John Scott 3

As a “walking dead” virus spreads across the country, a farm family helps their eldest daughter come to terms with her infection as she slowly becomes a flesh-eating zombie.

(Agency: Creative Artists Agency: Billy Hawkins, Dan Rabinow, Manager: Trevor Kaufman, Producer: Pierre-Ange Le Pogam)

One word: Zombies. They’re the new hipster rom-dramedy.

“Flarsky” by Daniel Sterling

A political journalist courts his old babysitter, who is now the secretary of State.

(Agency: UTA — Julien Thuan, Producers: Point Grey Pictures)

What? I just wanna see this cause in 13 words the writer set up a crazy ass plot. Peep Ryan Gosling as the political journalist. With Ashley Judd as the Secretary of State. Or the other way around if you apply the right make-up.

So what have we learned from all this? Hollywood is racist and Ryan Gosling can play anyone anywhere. If he puts his mind into it.

Gene Luen Yang on Last Airbender

Well the enormous whitewashed fuckery of a film Last Airbender is due out in theaters July 2nd. Here’s Gene Luen Yang’s take on the whole situation. I’m a huge fan of his graphic novel American Born Chinese, so I wanted to post and link here.

While I don’t agree that the overall impact of racist movies isn’t that important, I too fully support a boycott of Last Airbender, and admire the work of groups like Racebending to educate and advocate for just and equal opportunity in film and TV.

Check out more from Gene over at his site.

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A Few Reasons Why John Cho > Ken Jeong

We at BcB have always been critical of Hollywood for portrayals of Asian Americans and to some degree, the actors that play the roles. And a lot of times, other Asian American blogs have also (see The Minority Militant’s Project X Fund).

But not everyone thinks Karate Kid II was a few steps back for Asian Americans and some even think Ken Jeong is harmless most of the time. Which warms the empty black hole where a heart should be when Ishmael Reed decided to republish a post we wrote for Goatmilk, this time on his online zine, Konch Magazine. Cause we need to get the word out to the rest of the world, even that guy at Best Buy in line for Crash on Blu-Ray.

That Gay Cowboy Dude is the Prince of Persia?

In case my Persian folks felt left out by Hollywood’s appropriation of minority fictional characters and transforming them into white folks, we at BcB bring you Prince of Persia himself:

Jake Gyllenhaal wouldn't even be able to play a modern day Persian dude in the VIP section at Tao rockin gold chains, Ed Hardy shirts, and a harem of hotness.

Wait, Jake Gyllenhaal!? Really? The Prince of Persia went side-scrolling 2D on my Commodore 64 straight to 3D on your kids’ Xboxes and now directly to the big screen… but somehow got a little more lily white along the way?!?! It’s ironic, cause video game developers nowadays are always researching and developing accurate plotlines and elaborate and historically correct video games (Like GTA: Chinatown). And Hollywood comes in and makes a Persian Prince white. Ridiculous. Makes you so angry, you wanna:

Prince of Persia3

Bollywood is the New Hollywood

 

Chandni Chowk to China starring Akshay Kumar and Deepika Padukone. No Joke.

Chandni Chowk to China starring Akshay Kumar and Deepika Padukone. No Joke.

 

If this came from the States, it would have been vilified. But because it came from Bollywood, I think it might get less heat… I’ve been to countries where there aren’t many East Asian people, so when your ass shows up, they expect Jackie Chan karate chops or John Woo gun toting. So I don’t plan on visiting India anytime soon while this movie is out… 

 

Check out the trailer to see how they explain an Indian dude as a karate master. Spoiler Alert: Something about the reincarnation of warrior Liu Sheng! Predictable… 

 

 

On second thought, Hong Kong films have been F’N up South Asian people for years… So maybe its payback???

 

Bollywood dance scenes, karate chopping Indian mercenaries, stealing their hot Bollywood actresses after getting them naked. The Myth (argghhh. Jackie. What a waste of money):

 

 

and of course making South Asians stuff yayo up their asses in Chungking Express: 

 

 

On an unrelated note, why do Asian films always have really dorky protagonists with really really hot girlfriends??!! You spend the whole movie thinking… how the hell?!

Old White Dude Schools the Samurai

rrrrrumble!
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So I’ve been seeing a lot of promos lately for this new ABC family series “Samurai Girl”. Apparently it’s based on the popular series of young adult novels by Carrie Asai. From what I gathered from the previews, the plotline is basically this: Asian girl must learn the Way of the Samurai to avenge her murdered brother, and beseeches a strapping white “sensei” to teach her the ancient martial arts of her own damn people. Her evil yakuza family betrays her and she must prove that life as a samurai is just “WHO I AAAAAAAAM!!!” She’s obviously hot for teacher even though his fug ass looks like he’s pushing 40. OMG! Squeal! Are they gonna hook up? I would totally just die! The show has all the elements of a White Knight fantasy: Hot PYT Asian girl, lots of chopsocky n swordfights, interracial love conquests and of course – a white man out-Asian-ing the Asians. Oh save us, balding beefcake! Barf. Looks like the only fine Asian dude in the whole show is the brother, and well, he dead.  Oh and all Samurai Girl’s new American friends are white too. I wonder if casting reflects the book, or if this is just another case of Hollywood whitewash. Is Tom Cruise behind this? And can’t Asian folx be on TV without having to do karate or some shit? Bitches, please!