Friday Fuckery: JGoz Redemption

Just cuz you need more Gosselin in your life, here’s your Friday Fuckery fix of douche, via Funny or Die.  Basically, jGoz “turns back time” (disappointingly, minus the assless leather leotard) to make amends, break up with Michael Lohan, and generally repent his dildo-y ways.  Have you ever read (or seen the film) Ian McEwan’s Booker Prize-nominated masterpiece Atonement? Neither have I. But I think it’s kinda like that. Enjoy!

Vodpod videos no longer available.

 

Friday Fuckery: The Ed Hardy Boyz

It’s pretty clear by now that BCB loves to hate Ed Hardy/Christian Audigier and parties affiliated.

And now for your FF viewing pleasure is Funny or Die’s “Ed Hardy Boyz: The Case of the Missing Sick Belt Buckle,” an edge-of-your-seat whodunit starring Bobby Bottleservice and Peter Paparazzo. And containing a nod to our beloved Audigier protégé (nice ring to it, eh?) and World’s Greatest Dad: JGoz. Enjoy!

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Dear Mr. Boot Cut Jeans

You’re everywhere. In da clubs, at da bars, in fancy Asian fusion restaurants. You change up your button up shirts, sometimes with stripes, other times with little dots, and when you’re feeling adventurous: little flowers. But one thing always stays the same: your boot cut jeans.

But why is it that I hate you so? Well, other than douching up good bars and restaurants that were just fine before getting Yelp’d or talking REALLY LOUDLY ABOUT YOUR SAILBOAT, STOCK OPTIONS or TRIP TO MT EVEREST ON A SHERPA’S BACK, I just hate your face.

So in summary, you should consider wearing something else… Khakis maybe? Cause no, boot cut jeans don’t look better with your American Eagle leather thong sandals:

sandals

Or a pair of your fake Chinese, black on black, John Varvatos wannabe Chuck’s:

Converse

And definitely not with the boots they were originally designed for:

Boots

If there is a silver lining for your existence, Mr. Boot Cut Jeans Guy, then it is this: the telltale sign of whether a spot is douchey or not based on the line getting in. Although I risk the possibility of less girls by going elsewhere, I’ll take my chances. Cause Yaegar bombs, Ed Hardy shirts, and shouts of “that’s my song!” when MIA’s Paper Planes come on is not my ideal of a good time.

So as the legendary Kal Penn would say as Kumar: “Doucccheee!

 

 

 

 

 

 

White People Do Not Like People That Wear Ed Hardy…

But they still love wearing them some Ed Hardy… 

Let me start by saying, I love Stuff White People Like (we link to it from our Blog Roll list to the right).

Its got commentary on things we talk about all the time (#11 Asian Girls). And stuff that hits too damn close to home (#69 Mos Def and #91 San Francisco). But the latest one is about Ed Hardy. A topic we here at BcB love to throw around. Replacing the term “Douchebag” with “Ed Hardy wearing” is so easy to do, we’ve mentioned it in not 1, but 2 blog posts. But Lander’s blog entry, #124 Hating People Who Wear Ed Hardy, is sorta awkward. Its written in a way that implies Ed Hardy is an ethnic brand and that ALL white people hate it. Which frankly, isn’t true if you’ve ever been to Las Vegas or Miami or watched 90210/Dancing with the Stars/Rock of Love or “read” Victoria Secret.

Lander: “White people hate these clothes unilaterally and it is advised that you merely accept that at face value… To put this in proper perspective, Ed Hardy is so hated by white people that it cannot be worn ironically.  This is no small feat.  As it stands, the only other entries in this category are Nazi Uniforms, Ku Klux Klan Robes, and self-tanner. ”

Unilaterally? Really? I only hear that word during broadcasts of U.N. sessions, and even then its over-exaggerated. And Nazi uniforms worn ironically? Hmmm. I wished I could recall a situation where some “royally” famous white kid was wearing a Nazi uniform ironically…  

BUT the worst part is instead of using the millions of pics of white people rockin’ Ed Hardy from around the world (well, from Hollywood to South Beach, and every Hard Rock Cafe in between), Lander uses two Asian dudes who will surely regret their decision to pose for this pic, sexual gang signs and all… 

 

This is too easy, so I'm going to pass on writing a caption for now.

This is too easy, so I'm going to pass on writing a caption for now.

A special thanks to the good people at the Christina Audigier and Ed Hardy Stores in Union Square SF for letting BcB do firsthand research on this blog topic:

So Legolas and Chuck Norris walk into an Ed Hardy store...

So Legolas and Chuck Norris walk into an Ed Hardy store...

Dear God,

Why have you forsaken us? Its understandable that you spite the cities of Miami, Los Angeles and Las Vegas with hurricanes, earthquakes, drought, but what has San Francisco done? American Apparel? Sure, I understand. A RCVA store? Of course. CB2, Barney’s, North Face, and H&M. Why not. But this? Really? I’m hoping its for the tourists and not the locals. Tourists from Miami, Las Vegas, and Miami…

Christian Audigier

Christian Audigier Boutique, 40 Grant Ave., San Francisco, CA

Dear Ed Hardy Guy.

ed_hardy_11

 

Your shirt, the one with the snake and the heart and the dagger and the gun and the bedazzles and the eagle clutching a heart and a dagger and a star and a gun and wreath with all the leafs surrounding a skull. Your $100 shirt is whack. It was whack in ’04 when it was called Von Dutch: 

 

von_girls_500

 

and it will ALWAYS be whacked. Trust me, in 15 years, all the pics of you in “da clubs” of Miami, LA and Vegas will be long gone, thrown in the trash and you will forget it. Hopefully you’ll realize this before tattooing any of the logos on yourself.  

Asian-Americans vs. AzNs

This one will get me into some trouble I think. I’m going to be dissing my own people on this post, and its going to hurt many of my delusional friends. But maybe it’ll hurt first and then help eventually?

Just like Chris Rock and his infamous line which I dare not repeat here, there is a big difference between Asian-Americans and AzNs. If you know the difference, than you are more than likely the former. If you’re still reading this and contemplating whether you are the latter, guess what, you are. Here are a few handy tips to figure out if you are AzN:

  • If you dress better to go out at night on Fridays and Saturdays than you do Monday through Thursday in the daytime.
  • If you wear a blazer (minus the rest of the suit) more often than you wear a hoodie (and no, blazers with built-in hoodies DO NOT count. They automatically make you a douche, but not necessarily AzN). And you dig wearing striped shirts and boot cut jeans. 
  • If you have a background in finance, real estate or bio chem (and you’re not a doctor). Especially if you majored in any of those fields in college, but you took an Asian-American Studies or Ethnic Studies class in college looking for an easy ‘A’, but you got a “B+” instead.
  • If ALL your friends are light skinned Asians named Mike Kim, Jerry Nguyen, or Terry Chang.
  • On a scale of Honda Prius to Johnny Tran’s suped up Honda S2000, your car is making sounds dangerously close to illegal.
  • You get the Johnny Tran reference I just made.
  • When you hear the word “bike”, you automatically think of a motorcycle and not a bicycle. 
  • You have a Banana Republic, Bebe, or Armani Exchange credit card (or store credit) in your wallet right now. I’m not saying if you shop there you’re AzN, I’m just saying that if you shop there often enough to necessitate a credit card for points, you’re AzN.
  • You enjoy the “one word dance clubs” (Dragonbar, Dulce, LAX, Blvd) that I know the writers of this blog enjoy (Yea I said it! I saw you at Blvd and I’m sure there’s photographic evidence of it too!) Or better yet, the one syllable clubs (Hyde, Raw, Tao). And you like the aZn party promoters like Climax, VisionShock, or Set for Life.
  • Your initial gut reaction towards Ed Hardy clothing is not disgust.
  • You’re a fiscal Republican/social Democrat cause you like to party but you’d like to continue spending your parents money. 
  • Its 2008 and yOu sTiLl fReQuEnT aOl ChAt RoOmS aNd TyPe LiKe ThIs. nO oNe sTiLl TyPes LiKeS dO tHeY?
  • You are currently wearing a bluetooth headset while reading this post. 
  • You hate me right now. 

And if you still don’t know the difference between an Asian-American with an aZn, maybe a photograph will help. Photos are priceless.