BCB Movie Review: Revenge of the Green Dragons

Over the weekend I finally convinced myself to fork out $9.99 (highway robbery!) to watch Revenge of the Green Dragons on DirectTV, to follow-up on our Trailer Parkin’ post, and also because: AZNs. With mullets.

While the trailer looked promising, especially since it’s directed by Andrew Lau of the glorious Infernal Affairs… I found Revenge of the Green Dragons kinda meh…mixed with a little huh? and a healthy dose of blue balls (on my part).

Ergo, to this last point, the ROTGD trailer promised some steamy AZN-on-AZN rooftop sex scenes. Behold:

Screen Shot 2014-09-29 at 4.25.04 PMHowever, these scenes were absent in the actual film; instead we got some tepid, PG-rated fully-clothed kiddie smooches:

kissBOO I say, BOO! For WHY were the smex scenes taken out, leaving us with CRUMBS? Do they think AMERICA CAN’T HANDLE IT?!? Again, since every single ad for 21 & Over schticked up Justin Chon in a brassiere and teddy bear merkin, than I better damn well see him get it in in ROTGfrigginD. False advertising! Injustice!

ROTGD was also kind of a mess, messaging-wise. It seemed to attempt several bold statements on “illegal immigration”, racism, and the promise and hypocrisy of the American Dream, but I couldn’t quite figure out what those statements were. It was incoherent at best, and came off borderline anti-immigrant at worst: fear the invading, violent, money-crazed yellow hordes!

Madame snake head, who makes her riches off trafficking and exploiting Chinese immigrants, dramatically pronounces “It’s what this country’s built on…the American Dream!” A Chinese cop (played by MC Jin. Hell YAS) admonishes a white colleague for the fuzz’s disregard for brown lives (gee, so much has changed). “Also — fun fact! — did you know there are lots of Chinese languages, officer? Cantonese, Shanghainese, Fukienese…Hello? Are you listening to meeee…….” Jin should have just launched into “Learn Chinese” and then peeled off on the back of DMX’s bike screaming the Ruff Ryders Anthem (seriously, somebody hire me as a screenwriter). Similarly, the Green Dragons make a point to only kill each other — never Gwai-los — in order to fly under the enforcement radar (except the one time they smoke a white guy bitching out a restaurant owner about MSG in his food. Very satisfying).

At times, ROTGD came off as an exploitation flick, what with the slow-mo rape scene and beating the shit out of little kids in cringe-inducingly creative ways. It doesn’t leave much sympathy for any of the characters and makes every single Asian dude except the protagonist look like scum of the earth. But, I’m willing to overlook alla that cuz, matching  jackets!

There’s also some magnificently cornball lines like, “There’s a storm coming detective, I don’t know of any umbrella that’s gonna keep this city dry. Umbrella-ella-ella.” (Sike. But I wish).

However, there were some bright spots — Kevin Wu aka KevJumba of YouTube fame — surprisingly gave the strongest performance — with a close runner up to his perm-mullet, which deserves its own Oscar nom:

kevhairThe classic ‘do, seen on such folks as Tuan Anh, my uncle, and probably your uncle too. This hairstyle is a national treasure and should be counted amongst the greatest contributions immigrants have made to this country.

Other hair wins go to Leonard Wu as Chen I Chung, who is obviously a dead ringer for Down-Lo Mein from Notorious MSG. Yo D-Lo, bitch stole your look! Also, why aren’t you returning my DMs?!

Don't ask how long it took me to make this.

                                      Don’t even ask how much time I spent making this.

Finally, and most importantly, Harry Shum Jr. didn’t take his shirt off. Even once. I am VERY disappoint. I had to console myself by googling Tony Leung pics.

So, I don’t think ROTGD is a serious contender to dethrone Better Luck Tomorrow by any stretch, but it’s still pretty remarkable in terms of a plot that centers around an Asian American narrative and it’s all-Asian lead cast. Worth checking out for the tats n gats alone.

Notorious MSG: Apple Jackin’

My husbands the Notorious MSG — Down Lo Mein, Hong Kong Fever, and Hunan Bomb —  have just released their latest installment of Schoolhousin: a cinematic masterpiece dramatically illuminating the dangers of eating your roomates’ cereal.

So many lessons and timeless truths to be learned, and learned the hard way: apples are good and good for you — but not the same as Apple Jacks (much like OJ and Sunny D). Also, anytime edible items are being thrown at you, the best defense is to seize them with your mouth. Like Bruce Lee catching bullets in his teeth. Fruity, crunchy bullets.

And D-Lo, Fever, H-Bomb: my offer to be a fourth guest rapper/git-downer/air drummer still stands. Also, I live right above one of your favorite Chinatown hood haunts. You will be mine. Oh yes…you will be mine.

Notorious MSG Makes Hearts Palpitate

There are few things that make me scream like a 12-year-old girl: roaches on my pillow, keyboard cat, and a Notorious MSG show. And those of you who know me well can attest that I never miss a heapin’ helpin’ o’ MSG: the original Chinatown Bad Boys consisting of Hong Kong Fever, Hunan Bomb, and Down Lo-Mein (the Chinese Eazy-E). Also like a 12-year-old girl, I have the posters all over my room to prove it.

Le Sigh

Le Sigh

For your aural and visual pleasure, the rap trio straight out the Chinatown hood will be playing a show on the nite of July 25th at the Bowery Ballroom, with songs from their upcoming EP and hopefully some classics like “Dim Sum Girl”, “Chinatown Huster” and “No Good MuthaBitch”.  MSG pound down emasculated Asian man stereotypes with hilarious lyricism and funky fresh dance moves. Add to that a big ol’ pile of sexayness (muscles, tats, and perms, ya’ll!) and you’ve got a group bigger than jeebus. 

This is what I imagine our first triple-date will look like...

This is what I imagine our first triple-date will look like...

And yes, this is an unabashed plug for MSG, just because they are five-fire-alarm Hawt. For instance! Char Char and I eagerly await and salivate over every Schoolhousin’ release:

Plus, I am promoting my own agenda of wooing all three and/or being a back up member for the group. I already showed Hunan after the last show that I can do not one, but two versions of The Sprinkler (rich man and poor man’s, foo!) and if the boys will just give me and my mom’fro a chance, I could be like the Lil’ Kim to their Notorious. Without all that nastay stuff, of course. Unless it’s for the sake of the art. Then I’m willing to make some compromises. For the art. 

Cbruhs, Hunan and Phab (demonstrating "soft fist to the cheek")

Cbruhs, Hunan and Phab (demonstrating "soft fist to the cheek")

Yo MSG! I live in Chinatown NYC too — meet you at 69 Restaurant?! How about the beef jerky/drug front store on Mulberry? Hello?

Saturday also happens to be my BRIPDAY, so it’s like a double dagger through my heart that I won’t be in town to sneak backstage. So I beseech you, dear readers, go in my stead (bring my cell number) and tell ’em Cbruhs sent ya. Aaaiiyoooogaaahh!