Total Recall’s 3-Boobed Woman is…

Kaitlyn Leeb. And yes, she is half Chinese, half Irish and from Canada. No, pervert, all three boobs are not real. And no, I do not think this was a wise career move. Why? Do you remember the name of the original three-boobed woman in Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Total Recall? Right, me neither.

Standby for Total Recall midnight showing live tweets in-line at the Daly City Century 20 tonight. 

Ralph Lauren’s USA Outfits are Made in China!

OH NO! Team USA outfits for the 2012 Olympics are Made in China! Did you know that? Isn’t that crazy? I mean, look how AMERICAN this looks. Hey can we include a photo of 3 dudes dressed like they’re going to America’s Cup as if it was still in Newport, Rhode Island and not the way the socialists in San Francisco will mess up the all-American tradition of a multi-million dollar yacht race? And oh yea, can you make one of the dudes Black? Oh shit, I forgot to ask for a female, I mean a girl on there. Shit, I mean a woman. Oh well, we’ll just photoshop one on there. Make sure she’s blonde though, and make sure there’s at least one white guy in between her and the Black guy. 

So yea, this is AMERICA folks. We should be wearing outfits MADE BY AMERICANS and DESIGNED BY AMERICANS. From when the first discus was thrown by a naked American at the first Olympics to the very last ping pong smashed by AMERICANS. umm, what did you say? All the American ping pong players are chineses what?. Wait, I didn’t mean Ping Pong, I meant SWIMMING. Yes, the very last stroke. So now to end… 

DUDE. Why did you just post this picture of a speed skator from Japan. What? He’s American? But look at his… Whatever, AT LEAST he’s wearing ALL-AMERICAN clothing. Look at the giant USA on his hat! Hey, can you look up that clothing brand on his vest? I don’t think I’ve seen a Roots retail store before. No, I have never been to LA, Denver, Utah, Detroit, do you think I’m crazy enough to leave the Bible Belt? What do you mean Roots is a Canadian brand that dropped the Canada in the Roots Canada brand to design Team USA outfits before Ralph Lauren got the contract? But at the very least the outfits are MADE in the US, yea? What? Roots Canada manufactures in India, Peru, China, Vietnam AND the United States? Hmm. Well, I’m sure the clothes were made in the US because the USOC Director of Licensing and Merchandising cares deeply about these issues. 

“It’s a very hip and progressive brand, with a great connection to youth and athletics,” said Chester Wheeler, the USOC’s director of licensing and merchandising. “I don’t think it really makes a difference where the clothes are manufactured. The important thing is that they supply our athletes with clothing that makes them proud to walk through the stadium.” -2001. 

Hmmm. Well, I kinda like Canadians more than the Chinese. Canadians at least look more like us than the Chinese do, which is probably why I didn’t get upset in 2002… 

The New New Chinatowns

For years I’ve been hearing folks talk about gentrifying Chinatowns. This is a real concern in Chinatowns like Oakland’s, where an underutilized BART station (Lake Merritt) is going through a community planning process that can potentially lead to some pretty high buildings, higher population and higher rents and Chinese folks hightailing out.

Oak-rand

Oak-rand

Now, I could spend this whole blog post writing about how to protect Chinatowns, but to be honest, what does that mean? Part of it means keeping rents low (rental protections), keeping Chinatowns for Chinese folks (street signs in Chinese) and making sure the local amenities appeal to Asian folks and not Audi-driving yuppie parents. But what happens when a business closes (Chinatown knickknacks, boba tea cafes, Chinese breakfast restaurants). What do you replace it with? Another Chinatown staple? A Starbucks with Chinese signage? Should we maintain the look, feel and economic pulse of Chinatowns? What if a family business that’s been running for 40 years suddenly closes and sells to 3rd generation Asian Americans? What if a business gets passed on, within the family, to a 2nd generation Chinese kid? What if a Korean American kid takes over a family Chinese restaurant and turns it in a fusion Chinese spot that’s voted one of the top ten new restaurants in the country like Mission Chinese in San Francisco? What if MC opened up in the heart of Chinatown SF? What would the local CBOs and Chinese Chamber say? So that’s the dilemma I’m proposing to you. What does it mean to be Chinatown: Geography? Tenure? The things you sell? And how Chinese do you have to be to be Chinatown: Full Chinese? Chinese American? ABC? Asian? Asian American? Vietnamese/Filipino/Korean American? 2nd/3rd/4th generation? Angel/Ellis Island Asian?

I don’t know the answer to all of this, but I do know that folks like me who hang out in Chinatowns like second homes need to be thinking about this shit cause our generation and younger need a PLAN. To start, I’d like to provide you a few examples of what Chinatowns might look like a few years from now, businesses I’m calling Chinatown 2.0 cause these aren’t your typical paper money shops. These are hybrid old school/new school uses, Asian American type businesses, or just hip (probably gentrifying) uses that we need to pay attention to before Chinatowns become ethnic Disneylands crossed with Portlandia: food trucks, secret dive bars, and two girls/two shirt stores everywhere. I’ll be including a gentrification meter rating between 1-10 that’ll predict how this business will affect the pushing out of Chinese folks from the premises (1 being 中文地狱 and 10 being American Apparel next door to a Anthropologie).

Li Po Lounge, San Francisco California. Made famous by the latest Anthony Bourdain Layover SF episode and Sweater Funk (a sweaty/grimy soul party every Sunday night). How legit is this place? Old school chinese bar up top with Tsing Tao bottles and the soul party downstairs. Gentrification Meter: 4 before Bourdain, 5 post-Bourdain. Its grimey and the hipsters are hidden downstairs.

San Francisco's Li Po Lounge

San Francisco's Li Po Lounge

Fortune Sound Club, Vancouver, British Columbia. I don’t know much about Van City other than I like everything about it. I especially know nothing about the City’s Chinatown if only cause I learned early on you gotta go south to Richmond to get a taste of real Chinese food. So I don’t know why there’s still a Chinatown in the City and who actually lives there. But that didn’t stop me from including the only real CLUB I’ve ever been to in a Chinatown (sorry Grand Star, which comes up next). Gentrification Meter: 6? On one hand, you got Saul Williams coming up in March at Fortune, but on the other hand, are there Chinese folks that actually live here? Any Vancouverites wanna fill me in?

Can you spot an Chinese folks in this crowd? Oh there's one! Two, three.... Three...

Grand Star Jazz Club, Los Angeles, California. So hip, Blacklava sells a shirt for this spot. New York tribute night be damned, this spot is so cool and confusing. On one hand, you have Britney making cameo appearances and on the other hand, step one foot outside and you’re a drunk walk away from a big bowl of steaming jook. Gentrify Meter: 7. Did I mention Britney Spears in the same sentence as jook in the previous sentence???

Still see a lot of Asian American folks here no matter what party is going on.

So what can you do? If you’re Chinese, open up a new business in Ctown, USA. Just be culturally sensitive and if you’re gonna sell food, it damn well better be good. And please, no more vinyl toy shops. The ones in San Jose JTown and Chinatown LA haven’t been customer magnets unless you want 12-yr old kids loitering and playing street fighter on your in-house Super Nintendo. I really wish I could have showed you some viable Chinatown retail businesses that fit this Chinatown 2.0 category, but I really don’t know any. Please send them our way if you do know!

Asians are Real Humans Too

What is it with Swedes and fetishizing Asians? First it was Lizbeth’s girlfriend in Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and now its Real Human, the Swedish knockoff of NBC’s Beautiful People. We get it, she’s a robot that’ll be great raising kids AND great in bed for pops. BEST lines from the trailer:

Dad: Relax, it can shop, do dishes!
Moms: Its a sex toy!!

(later that night)

Dad: Its past your bedtime, Tobbe.

Classic Swedish cinema. Did I tell you how my friends just came back from Stockholm and were physically accosted everywhere they went for being Asian? YAY SWEDEN!

Jeremy Lin Schools John Wall

I know its the D-League, but when you’re the 1st Pick in the First Round of this year’s NBA draft (John Wall) and you get p0wned by the Chinese Crimson Knight, you know Jeremy Lin deserves to play in the pros. Damn Warriors, his hometown team, passed up on signing him only to see the Mavs swoop!

Mickey Rourke as Genghis Khan. SERIOUSLY.

This shit got me so angry, I need to flip the KANYE WEST FONT ON. SERIOUSLY? MICKEY FUCKING ROURKE AS GENGHIS KHAN? CAN HOLLYWOOD PICK ANYBODY WORSE THEN MICKEY FUCKING ROURKE TO PLAY THE BADASS MONGOL RULER? I GUESS MICKEY ROONEY WASN’T AVAILABLE TO DO ANOTHER YELLOWFACE ROLE? HE’S ALIVE YOU KNOW, JUST READY TO POUNCE ON SOMETHING LIKE THIS CAUSE BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY’S WASN’T ENOUGH! BUT COME ON! MICKEY ROURKE!?!

YOU THINK DOOD LOOKS OKAY IN THAT PICTURE? I’VE SEEN THE MF’ER IN PERSON AT HAZE IN THE ARIA HOTEL IN VEGAS CUTTING IN LINE WITH SOME ANOREXIC MODEL. I LOOKED HIM IN THE FACE AND THOUGHT, “WHY IS THIS MUSCLED OUT DUDE WEARING A SAGGING SILICON MASK OF MICKEY ROURKE?” UNTIL I REALIZED IT WAS MICKEY F’N ROURKE. BUT SERIOUSLY, WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT FROM HOLLYWOOD NOWADAYS. BETWEEN JAKE GYLLENHAAL PLAYING A PERSIAN TO ALL THE DRAGONBALL Z/LAST AIRBENDER CRAP, THIS SHIT WILL ALWAYS HAPPEN. WHAT’S ALSO GREAT IS THIS GENGHIS KHAN MOVIE IS COMING FROM THE GUY THAT DIRECTED RED DAWN. THANKS DOUCHEBAG!

BOOOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYCCCCCCOOOOOTTTTTTT! BOYCOTT THIS SHIT LIKE A CAN OF DOLPHIN KILLING TUNA  BOUGHT FROM A WHOLE FOODS IN ARIZONA.

Thanks to IB via current.com for the scoop.