Friday Fuckery: Endhiran!

Endhiran! At last! A true cinematic spectacle of a pants-shitting scale! So I can’t tell what this movie’s about really, but anything with man-robots, metal lions, and steel suits has got my $15 bones.

Plus, Rajni’s rockin some dope-ass Elvis skunk pompadour business, which no-fail makes me panties go: Ping! Dayum, Rajni. Ruh-ruh-ruh-Raaaajniiiii!!! (say in Aziz Ansari voice).  Screw The Social Network.

via Angry Asian Man

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Friday Fuckery: Epic Athiradi

I can’t appropriately describe the level of epic awesomer of this video “Athiradi” from the Tamil movie Sivaji. Alls you needs to know is some key words: recumbent Harley riding, Smooth Criminal-like theatrics, machine-gun Gretsch guitars, hip-hop Western line-dancing, Matrix Carnival bazaar. The best is the villainous newspaper eyeholes part (which coincidentally is my method of choice for spying on hotties on the train). UH-Mazing. Happy Friday!

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via Buzzfeed

1-800-A-INDIAN

Maybe there’s some South Asians reading this that wanna comment? Cause there’s a really thin line between comedy and racism… and I didn’t laugh once at this… Well, I chuckled when I saw the USC kids, cause the only color they look at for college acceptances is Green. BOOOSH! Thanks for that $1000 Trojan scholarship back in 1998, bitches!

Thanks ePanda. I don’t think (the) gGod(s) want me to drive up to P-town this weekend.

Wild Guess: Bollywood Hero Will Offend South Asians Everywhere

I'm thinking Chris Kattan is standing on a soap box right now, cause those lovely South Asian ladies gotta be at least 5'3".

I'm thinking Chris Kattan is standing on a soap box right now, cause those lovely South Asian ladies gotta be at least 5'3".

First it was The Love Guru by SNL alum Mike Meyers. And now 1/2 of Night at the Roxbury/100% of Mango, Chris Kattan is doing a 3-part mini-series playing himself. Fed up with Hollywood, he moves to India to make a movie and cliche it up. This show is not going to leave any of the White-man-can-do-it-better-than-a-South-Asian cliches behind (they even mention Mr. Miyagi in the damn description from the Independent Film Channel website!):

“In his quest to become Bollywood’s leading man, Chris unexpectedly finds a great dance instructor (part Patrick Swayze, part Mr. Miyagi), trawls India’s countryside for his leading lady, falls in love, and ultimately fulfills dreams he never even imagined. Facing culture clashes, language barriers and complex dance moves, Kattan will stop at nothing to conquer his destiny.”

Do they have to mention DESTINY every time it involves a White man traveling to Asia to “Find Himself” some ass? But who knows, this movie might surprise us and be a great showcase for some amazing Bollywood actors and not be offensive at all. Tune in to IFC August 6, 7, and 8 at 10PM to find out…

BAAAAA!!!! Dance Monkeys, Dance!

Is it just us bitches, or was the premiere of SupermegablowyourassholeinsideoutStars of Dance!!! kinda…..eh.

For all the pomp and hype, it just felt underwhelming.  And lame…with the aid of  key elements like the tacky”ethnic” techno remixes, sounding like they’d be played at 2am in a low-rent Gold’s Gym.  And the corny voiceovers to get that patriotic suspense pumping, like the countries “battling for survival!” –  “Cultures clash!” – “which nation will win it all?!!”, – “Eat it and weep, Third World! U.S.A. U.S.A!” Ok, made that last one up. But it did promise to be “the greatest spectacle of dance performance on the planet!”

Master Wang Haiyang- Setting back advances in Asian American perception in the media back to the days of Fu Man Chu

Master Wang Haiyang: Chinese. Buddhist. Monk. Dancer. Judge.

What WAS a damned spectacle was the judging. When I first saw the Chinese judge, my eyeballs just about fell out they sockets from rolling so hard. I mean, C’mon!  – with the prayer hand whispered blessing and the bow and the frickin temple getup and Buddha beads- it was like he was one big fat ethnic caricature…a noble Chinaman…but not too lofty to make a sage appearance on Michael Flatley’s Oiled Up Chest Presents SuperclusterfuckeryStars of Dance!!! Are monks even supposed to go on TV game shows? Who is this guy?A painstaking google search revealed him to be: “Master Haiyang Wang, the natural successor to become the next Abbott of the Shaolin Temple and a senior Buddhist in China”. I bet he’s an extra they snagged from the set of (insert cheezy chopsocky show here).

After every dance, the eight international judges gave a 1-10 score, minus the judge from the performing country. However, every judge does get to say a few words about his or her “native” country’s performance.

Except for the Chinese judge. Even the Russian with his baboushka doll vest or the sneezy yet faboo artist-formerly-known as SAfa judge gets to say something, but all China says is BAAA! Eight! Ok, maybe this guy really is a fobby authentic! monk! from actual! China! and cannae ken a lick o’ English, but this dude’s presence doesn’t do a whole lot to challenge stereotypes.

The Indian judge has the same ridiculous stereotypical bow as the Chinese one, and does say the score in Hindi, but dude sounds like he’s from Kansas or something. Although it did take us about half an hour to figure out that he wasn’t being bitchy, but that NAU! just means nine.

Also found through an intensive netsearch: “the Shaolin Monks Kung Fu group will be coached by Matthew Ahmet, who went to China and found his way by becoming a Shaolin Monk.” Um, this guy is 20. And white. And speaks Mandarin. Red Flags! He started training with them when he was 17, so three years must make him qualified to surpass and  teach the Chinese people The Way. Also, fans write poems about him and his incredible “Qi”. Douchey poems.

And don’t get us started on the actual dancing. That squirmy slow-ass popper was irritating (did he really end with the *ha-wink* and point move?) . Although the follow-up commentary from that old white lady coach was hilarious (“It’s contorted popping! It’s sick and it’s coming from this man and it rocked my world!”). Ooh, and that Australian tap dancer. They must’ve been ushered in under the “white people appropriating black culture” category.

Is it trivializing martial arts to consider it “dancing”? And sure it’s entertaining, but there’s something ironic about Indian American dancers doing a Bollywood dance if they all live in Hollywood and have Valley accents (gotta admit those sassy ladies did look smokin’).  But we thought this was supposed to be the Olympics of dance, with folks actually being nationals of their respective countries. We got no problem with hyphenated Americans doing dances from their muthalands, but at least apply the rules consistently! Maybe the lack of clarity here is really some high concept statement that the show is making about identity politics,  globalization, transnational migration, and the increased blurring of national borders . But expressed through DANCE and a battle to the DEATH!!!

If we had to pick,  compared to the competition, that North Indian Classical dancer kilt it. And of course the spear-surfing monks…especially those little baby Shaoliners…let’s abduct one.  Third World Power! SHIIIII!

Monks.

Trained for 10 years since the age of 2 in a secluded temple high above in the Himalayas for the sole purpose of reinforcing Asian stereotypes for Middle America.

Bollywood is the New Hollywood

 

Chandni Chowk to China starring Akshay Kumar and Deepika Padukone. No Joke.

Chandni Chowk to China starring Akshay Kumar and Deepika Padukone. No Joke.

 

If this came from the States, it would have been vilified. But because it came from Bollywood, I think it might get less heat… I’ve been to countries where there aren’t many East Asian people, so when your ass shows up, they expect Jackie Chan karate chops or John Woo gun toting. So I don’t plan on visiting India anytime soon while this movie is out… 

 

Check out the trailer to see how they explain an Indian dude as a karate master. Spoiler Alert: Something about the reincarnation of warrior Liu Sheng! Predictable… 

 

 

On second thought, Hong Kong films have been F’N up South Asian people for years… So maybe its payback???

 

Bollywood dance scenes, karate chopping Indian mercenaries, stealing their hot Bollywood actresses after getting them naked. The Myth (argghhh. Jackie. What a waste of money):

 

 

and of course making South Asians stuff yayo up their asses in Chungking Express: 

 

 

On an unrelated note, why do Asian films always have really dorky protagonists with really really hot girlfriends??!! You spend the whole movie thinking… how the hell?!