Stop Bad Hollywood Films Before They Are Conceived

I guess there’s something called The Black List? It rates all the best scripts just optioned by studios to be green lit into Hollywood shit movies.  Why am I talking about this? Cause I think Asian America wasn’t able to react to the Last Samurais and Avatars fast enough to kill the eggs before the chicken hatched (or is it the other way around??). So I propose we start with the scripts! Right when they’re bought by the major Hollywood studios and churned into The Hangover 2. Where to begin… in no particular order, from the 2011 Black List of scripts coming to a big screen near you:

“The Outsider” by Andrew Baldwin

In post-World War II Japan, an American former prisoner of war rises in the yakuza.

(Agency: Creative Artists Agency — Jay Baker, John Garvey, Manager: Anonymous Content — Bard Dorros, David Kanter, Producers: Linson Entertainment for Warner Bros.)

Seriously? Is this going to happen? First it was Dances with Wolves, then it was Last Samurai and then Avatar. And now this? When will Hollywood stop with A-White-Guy-can-do-anything-a-person-of-color-can-do-better story line. I get it. The White man can kill ninjas and mate with their tails better than a yellow/brown/blue person can. But seriously? A P.O.W. becomes a Yakuza? Its even hard for a JAPANESE person to get into the Yakuza. You think the “American” former prisoner is going to be an ABC or a Filipino guy? HELL NO. He’ll be Ryan Gosling. PLUS, I guess this movie has already been made with that dude from The Road.

“Bad Words” by Andrew Dodge

The bastard child of the organizer of the national spelling bee gets his revenge by finding a loophole and attempting to win the bee as an adult, only to find friendship in a young Indian contestant.

(Agency: UTA — Carolyn Sivitz, Manager: Fourth Floor Productions — Jeff Silver, Producers: MXN and Darko Productions)

Can we see our South Asian folks as anything other than spelling bee champs or telecom workers from Outsourced or Outsourced (and how did they make a show AND a movie with the same title and same plot?!). There’s no way this can be better than Rocket Science. Only more racist. Don’t try it. UNLESS the lead character is Chinese or Pakistani. But then Middle American heads will exploded.

“Home by Christmas — Bob Hope in Korea” by Ben Schwartz

Young Larry Gelbart goes on tour with his idol Bob Hope in the middle of the Korean War and learns the true price of heroism.

(Agency: The Nethercott Agency — Gayla Nethercott, Producer: Jon Shestack Productions)

I just want to be an extra in this movie cause somewhere in the San Gabriel Mountains or Temecula will be used as a stand-in for Korea and I want to be there with a bunch of KAs from LA in war uniforms going through bootcamp. Who am I kidding, they’ll be using Filipino and Vietnamese extras too. Watch out for Ryan Gosling in make-up as Bob Hope. Or he can play Larry Gelbert. Or a Korean drill sergeant. Or anything he damn well pleases to play!

“Django Unchained” by Quentin Tarantino

A freed slave named Django is trained as a bounty hunter by a German dentist named Schultz, and the two men set out to find Django’s enslaved wife.

(Agency: WME — Mike Simpson, Producers: Weinstein Co. producing for a co-release between Weinstein and Sony Pictures)

If there’s two things I’ve learned from Quentin Tarantino from everything he’s done lately, its that he likes to exploit Black folks (its OK cause there’s a cool film noir word for these types of movies: Blaxploitation) and he likes killing Germans on screen. As long as he stays away from David Carradine as a karate master and Lucy Liu as a Japanese geisha/ninja, I’m cool with it. Sorry everyone else! Every race of itself!

I’m such a hater. I know. So what movies AM I looking forward to? Peep the following movies. I purposely didn’t include ALL the zombie movies I wanna see cause that’s a whole other post and would be a never-ending blog post.

“Maggie” by John Scott 3

As a “walking dead” virus spreads across the country, a farm family helps their eldest daughter come to terms with her infection as she slowly becomes a flesh-eating zombie.

(Agency: Creative Artists Agency: Billy Hawkins, Dan Rabinow, Manager: Trevor Kaufman, Producer: Pierre-Ange Le Pogam)

One word: Zombies. They’re the new hipster rom-dramedy.

“Flarsky” by Daniel Sterling

A political journalist courts his old babysitter, who is now the secretary of State.

(Agency: UTA — Julien Thuan, Producers: Point Grey Pictures)

What? I just wanna see this cause in 13 words the writer set up a crazy ass plot. Peep Ryan Gosling as the political journalist. With Ashley Judd as the Secretary of State. Or the other way around if you apply the right make-up.

So what have we learned from all this? Hollywood is racist and Ryan Gosling can play anyone anywhere. If he puts his mind into it.

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