Friday Fuckery: This White Guy Fantasy Brought to You by Heineken

Oh, fer Chrissakes. Here we go — a little peek into a white guy’s wet dream — with the well-worn theme of White Knight out-Asianing the Asians (see Last Samurai, Shogun) or out-Indianing the Indians (see Dances With Wolves, Avatar, A Man Called Horse, etc etc ad nauseam).

Chad here is gonna take his comely Asian date on a magical whirlwind tour of Chinatown (is it her own neighborhood? No matter! He is more IN THE KNOW and will thus access and unlock an exotic, underground side she’s never experienced!).

Not only will he charm the pants off her, he will also show the cooks how to do their job. First, to demonstrate that he is totally DOWN with Chef YanCanCook, he’ll make sure to greet his Chinatown bros in the customary, culturally-sensitive fashion: palms together. But Aha! Chad will then school and amaze them by karate-chopping veggies faster than Benihana’s Rocky Aoki!

As Chad is also quite the international playboy, he’ll be repeatedly ogled and groped at by a gauntlet of bejeweled women as he makes his way through the club.  His date, meanwhile, is unable to maneuver on her own, so Chad must whisk her around and protect her from all the hustle and bustle of Asiaville. To make sure we REALLY GET that Chad is WINNING here, viewers are treated to about seven shots of her breathlessly gazing at him with equal parts hero worship and lusty bedroom eyes.

Yes, it’s a stylish, well-produced commercial, but I still sprained my eyeballs from rolling them so hard. While watching a Chris Martin look-alike be King for a Day in Anonymous Exotic Asiatown doesn’t make me want to pour Heineken down my throat, it probably works on their intended demographic. Heineken is such a skunky, shitty beer that apparently it has to indulge ridiculous white dude fantasies to seem appealing. Both are puke-inducing if ya ask me.

Thanks Char Char!


5 thoughts on “Friday Fuckery: This White Guy Fantasy Brought to You by Heineken

  1. WTF? I enjoy a beer commercial as much as the next guy, but this is straight-up idiotic.

    They trying to do a Goodfellas homage with some white dude showing that he’s down with the yellow folks in Chinatown? Huh?

    As if I needed more reason why to NOT drink Heineken.


  2. Wow dude, you’re reading a lot into that. Did the white dude “out do” the white magician? Does the Asian guitarist “out do” the white rockabilly guitar style? It’s a frickin blowjob Heineken Ad. WTF, seriously.


  3. Pingback: JT Takes Over Chinatown | BicoastalBitchin's Weblog

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