ABDC 6: Roll Call!

So the second episode of ABDC Season 6 aired last week, and we’ve been introduced to all 10 competing crews. They represent locations from all over the world, performed new dance styles rarely seen on TV, and Randy Jackson looks trimmer than ever! That’s all well and good, but what I really care about is…HOW MANY ASIANS ARE THERE?!

The following is a rundown/racial profile of all the dancers I perceive as being of API descent on this year’s season, plus some random commentary thrown in for bitchy measure. And if I get any of it wrong, I’M SORRY — the streaming on my computer from MTV.com no work so good.

ReQuest: Flying across the globe from New Zealand, this “all-Poly” female crew has the 2010-2011 World Hip Hop Dance Championship under their lamé belts. The MTV website says they “are a melting pot of many cultures, including Japanese, Chinese, Hawaiian and Portuguese”…hm, what about Māori or Samoan members? Anyhoo, they describe their style as “Poly-Swag” and take inspiration from Haka, a traditional Māori dance.  Also, best haircuts.

IaMmE (it took me 7 minutes to type that): From Houston, this crew has one Asian American member – Di “Moon” Zhang, a certified “Brain-Banger”.

Weh-helll, Moon can “bang” my…I better stop.

Street Kingdom: Remember that movie Rize that had dancing clowns in it and got every suburban kid in America thinking he could rip his shirt off and just WILD OUT on a homie? Well these guys (or maybe just Ceasare “Tight Eyez” Willis)  invented it! (It’s called Krumping, and it’s totally a hit at happy hour, I’ll have you know). Joseph “Lil B-Dash” Duenas and Mark “Streetnoize” Santiago are reppin for the Pinoys, I’m guessing.

Next are are the groups from the Ke$ha Trashbag Challenge — and she delivered messages to the crews herself (did anyone else notice that Ke$ha’s talking voice also cracks like an overexcited pubescent boy?).

Jag6ed: OK, I dunno if I’m open-minded enough to consider pole-dancing a legitimate dance. I mean I know there’s a Pole Dance Magazine now and its growing as a sports competition, but c’mon — it’s hard to look cool wearing a bedazzled leotard from a pre-teen jazz showcase and no shoes. I know y’all are buff as hell but you’re not wearing any pants. Just look:

As Jag6ed said: “There’s definitely no stripping”. Well you ARE in boy shorts and sports bras to practice, so you’re pretty much already nekkid. But I get it, these ladies are damn strong and probably have the upper body strength of a cage fighter. Now, what was I talking about? Oh yes, Asians. There is Jessica Agdeppa. She would have a fruitful career being an American Apparel model.

ICONic Boyz: Ok, I know there’s no Asians in this crew, but HOLY CHRIST where’d these toddlers come from?! I do feel they have an unfair advantage since bones are not fully formed at this age so they can be extra flexible like Gumbys and shit.

I want to adopt them, especially that little porky meatball Thomas Miceli with the shaved eyebrow. They are like mini-Guidos and it’s making my maternal instincts squeeeaaaal. The whole ab reveal thing kinda freaked me out tho. 7-year-olds should not have man-abs, and I should not be looking at those abs.

787 Crew: Also not Asian, but damn, how come the PR crews on ABDC are always so tragic? G.O.P from Season 3 were all homeless or something and got eliminated first episode, and this time dude broke his leg before the first show and there were waterworks all around. But, they do rank high on my molestation meter. I’m looking at you, Daniel “Phantom” Alberto Babilonia Torres.

Instant Noodles: This season’s all-AZN crew, from Los Angeles by way of Taiwan!  Although their performance was a little underwhelming, they already sold me with my favorite move of all time: the hair-comb – during the opening number. They have sweet pastel ‘fits and I’m a fan of their “eating noodles” hand sign (although not their Asian tourist peace sign). And yes, I want to molest. Alas, Instant Noodles got torn apart by judge D-Trix (Quest Crew), so we’ll see if they have staying power or whether they’ll drown in their own cute overload.

That’s that! Oh, and as always — shut up, Mario Lopez.

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