Friday Fuckery: Tiger Mother the Movie?

Just in case you didn’t get enough of Amy Chua’s self-promoting, smug, stereotype-confirming fuckery, you might be treated to Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother on the big screen. And who’s behind this loathsome scheme? Why, the same folks who brought us that progressive gem The Joy Luck Club! Of course.

From the Hollywood Reporter article:

The most recent big screen adaptation of a book touching on themes of mother-daughter relationships among Chinese-Americans is 1989’s The Joy Luck Club ($33 million domestic gross). Two of the film’s producers interviewed by The Hollywood Reporter have expressed a strong interest in seeing Chua’s book brought to the screen.

Ron Bass co-wrote the Joy Luck Club screenplay with the book’s author, Amy Tan, and co-produced the movie...”Not only is there a movie here, I definitely think it’s more than one movie.”

Fellow producer Patrick Markey believes Chua’s work “absolutely has potential” for a movie.

“There’s some radical stuff here,” Markey says. “To think of treating children like this. Those kids are going to be in therapy their entire lives. It may not be a glowing portrayal of motherhood and raising kids,” he adds. “But there’s certainly a hell of a lot of controversy right now.”

Looks like Chua is continuing to pave the way to notoriety & gobs of cash at the expense of the Chinese and Asian American community. Just check out some of the incensed and/or racist comments under the “Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior” WSJ article…Chua certainly has done our image no favors.

Is Amy Chua the next Amy Tan? I was hoping there would be no “next” — but unfortunately (to quote Steve Harvey) white people are always running to jump on some bullshit.

However, the article ends with: While the national controversy is a plus for the screen possibilities, the agent adds that one prohibiting factor is the marketability of an Asian-American lead actress.

Aiya, there’s the rub.

Even if that actress doesn't uncross her arms for the entire movie? Impressive!

Full Hollywood Reporter article here
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And Now a Word From Justin Chatwin’s Hair

Dear Readers of BicoastalBitchin’,

y’all are some haters! Forreal! Talking all that shit about me when I played Goku’s hair in DragonBall Z Evolution. You know how hard it was for me to play Goku’s hair? Y’all know Goku was Asian right? And I had to ACT like Asian hair! I had to be dyed, teased, waxed and hairsprayed to get it like that. I get it! You really wanted John Cho’s hair to play Goku’s hair, but guess what, John Cho’s hair ain’t gonna get you the box office numbers that Justin Chatwin’s hair was gonna get you. And you know what, it don’t matter that I bombed at the box office, cause I met this girl’s hair on the set. Wait, you don’t know who’s hair I was dating?

You ever seen Real World San Diego? The hottest new Korean 귀여운 소녀 since Grace Park revealed she was a Cylon? Yea, that’s right. I win. The rest of her isn’t bad either. But how would I know. I got chopped off after the movie premiere and William H. Macy’s hair gave me lice.

Another “Who the Fuck was James Iha” Award in 2011

Pretty damn good year for Asian musicians if we already have another winner of the “Who the Fuck was James Iha” award in 2011. This time the award goes to Tim Koh, bassist for Ariel Pink’s Haunted Graffiti. Why is this award going out again so soon after the last winner, Bob Bruno? Cause Tim Koh is an f’n badass is why.

Steven Ho on Conan

For those of youse who may not have caught it last night, professional stuntman and martial artist Steven Ho (aka ASIAN frickin CONAN) was on Conan O’Brien’s show, back for the first time since Conan found a new home on TBS.

And did not disappoint! In his continuing epic saga of putting Conan through stunt school, Steven pulled out the big guns, or swords — by cutting a watermelon on Conan’s stomach in half (eat your heart out, Gallagher), hitting Conan in the face with a staff, and incorporating an Asian baby!

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Steven was also nice enough to provide BCB with some behind-the-scenes shots! Behold:

Can’t wait to see Steven’s next schoolin’ for Conan, and I hope Asian Baby continues to be a recurring character. It’s giving me some good ideas on how to best utilize my future progeny. Be sure to check out Steven’s past Conan appearances and other good stuff here.

UPDATE: Steven tells me that said Asian Baby is kind of famous, and even has his own website. AB first appeared as a stunt prop on The Tonight Show, and was later raffled off on Facebook and YouTube and shipped via UPS to Coco fan Linda Schenk. Check out AB’s site for more of this stunt baby’s adventures. Go ‘head, Asian Baby!

Thanks Steven!

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Tiger Mom Rap by Jen Kwok

Lovely comedian, musician &  friend Jen Kwok recently released this brilliant (and catchy) “Tiger Mom Rap” (produced by soce, the elemental wizard) about Amy Chua, the smug, gimmicky book-pushing, elitist parent that we looooves to hate. I personally like the Mommy Dearest reference. NO! WIRE! HANGERS!!! One of the best books of all time, by the way.

Anyhoo, listen to Jen’s “Tiger Mom Rap” here, and peep the lyrics below.

Tiger Mom Rap Lyrics
by Jen Kwok

Ungh.  Rarr.  Ungh.  Rarr.

Yo, I’m the tiger mother
Hardcore parenting like no other
But I’m also a professor at Yale
And I got a crazy ass new book on sale
Talkin bout how Chinese mothers are superior
Rest of ya’ll with Montessori are inferior
I don’t allow sleepovers or play dates
My kid’s have fun doing math on a milk crate

Cuz they’re gonna be tough!  So tough!  After they have been broke down emotionally first.

Let me tell you bout my battle hymn
Piano violin piano violin
Extreme Asian parenting

I raise my kids to be high achievers
Building on their minds all the time like beavers
Cuz DAMN my kids never get less than 100 on a test
If they did I would flip the f*** out
So I found the key to perfection is assimilation
Don’t let my daughters out the house so life’s a simulation
Now I’m selling my techniques like a corporation
And I’m married to a guy named Jed!!!

Let me tell you bout my battle hymn
Piano violin piano violin
Extreme Asian parenting

Hippie western parents are ok with a B-minus
Mediocrity is like the blanket on Linus
I ripped up the birthday card you gave to me
Cuz it’s more Hallmark than Papyrus
I want my kids to feel like Rocky – “Adrian!”
But first they gotta feel like Gollum  – “Precious!”
Practice a billion times till you get this
If you’re not perfect you will get an eye infection

So you better keep practicing.  Better get perfect.  Or else…you will turn into garbage. A large garbage can.  They’re gonna pick you up on Sunday and Tuesday nights unless there’s a holiday and you’ll be living at the landfill like Oscar the Grouch.

Gladwell says it takes 10,000 hours to be good
Well I say 500 bajillion 74 to the pi times infiniti divided – no, not divided….

Let me tell you bout my battle hymn
Piano violin piano violin
Harvard, Columbia and Princeton
Piano violin piano violin
I’ve got to make perfect children
Extreme Asian parenting

I’m crazier than all the other moms
Crazier than Natalie Portman’s mom in Black Swan
Barbara Hershey!!!!!  She was so powerful in Beaches
I’m crazier than Joan Crawford
No wire hangers? No wire hangers? No WOODEN hangers!  No plastic hangers!
No titanium!  Or crochet!
I only like these velvet ones I got from Crate & Barrel

©Jen Kwok 2011

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BCB Profilin’: Sheng Wang

This edition of Profilin’ features Sheng Wang, stand-up comedian and lover of grubbin & cyclin. Along with a frequent touring schedule that takes him ’round the country, Sheng has a half-hour showcase premiering on Comedy Central THIS FRIDAY! Don’t miss it! Also, he has a restaurant in NYC Chinatown named after him. Kinda. Go there and order the special and tell ’em Sheng sent ya.

Greetings, I am…

Sheng Wang. Comedian. Guy.

I’ve been known to bitch about…

Very little. But if I must…let it be about those with incredibly narrow minds when it comes to eating food.

My influences are…

America, Mitch Hedberg, Tom and Jerry, Rene Magritte, Mom, cheeseburgers.

On a Saturday night you can find me….

Telling jokes on stage.

On a Tuesday night you can find me…

That’s for me to know and for you to find out. Remember when people used to say that? What does that even mean? Why would it be for you to find out? I mean it sounds like it’s pretty private, right? Well, it’s not. I’d probably just be telling jokes like on Saturday…or writing, reading, or drinking with friends (I prefer going out on school nights).

My usual drink/poison is….

Good whiskey and hoppy beers.

If I was a superhero my name would be…

“Id” – as in the part of Freud’s psyche model that acts on the “pleasure principle.”

The last song/album I listened to is…..

Sit Down, Man – Das Racist.

I have a borderline unhealthy obsession with…

Food comas.

Favorite thing to do in New York….

Ride my bike.

Free Association time! First word I think of after “Asian America”:


My weapon of choice is….


Be sure to check out my…

Half hour Comedy Central special on Jan 28th 11:30pm. I know it’s a Friday…DVR it!

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Sheng Wang is a Taiwanese Texan who developed and honed his comedy in the thriving standup community of the San Francisco Bay Area. He performs jokes based on personal experiences and addresses common non-sense with honesty and ill logic. His refreshingly affable stage presence combined with a healthy penchant for absurdity and self-deprecation make his act universally accessible and hilarious.

He has toured with the Comedians of Comedy and American Eagle’s ‘Campus Comedy Challenge.’ He has also appeared on Comedy Central’s ‘Live at Gotham’ and attended the ‘Just for Laughs’ comedy festival in Montreal. His half hour Comedy Central Presents will air Jan 28th 11:30pm.  NBC just awarded him with a one year holding deal for 2011.

Sheng Wang currently resides in New York City.

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Alexa Chung is Living in Williamsburg. Surprise.

Not really a news item, cause its so damn obvious that Alex Chung would move to the US (more specifically NYC) and decide to choose Willyburg as her neighborhood of choice. Why? Cause its a straight shot to the MTV Studio via the (I would never take the Goddamn) M-train? Or cause she can walk around her hood and spot MGMT lookalikes. Apparently its the latter based on this video via ARex. Not sure if you wanna sit through a few minutes of her? Read the following snippet and imagine it in a Brit accent and let me know if you already hate her or love her. Cause I can’t decide even though I wrote THIS earlier…

“Williamsburg is sort of like my lover, whereas London is more like my husband. I love my husband, and I’ll always be with him, but Williamsburg is so exciting.