Sugar High From MiKandi

Helllll yeah! That 206 crew, make your Androids light up!

My buds in Seattle — Jennifer, Jesse, and Tim — have recently launched MiKandi, “the world’s first mobile adult app store” for Android phone users. Apple has banned “adult-only content” from the iPhone app store, but the MiKandi folks are also working on making their porny apps available to iPhone users.

MiKandi brings you popular apps such as — uh, “Jiggle Tits” and “The Ultimate Strip Club List”, and they’ve already received attention from HuffPo, Gizmodo, and dozens of other media. MiKandi also appeals to the developer, by offering them a way to market, monetize, and deliver adult apps to users they wouldn’t have access to via traditional channels.

Check out “I Got MiKandi” — a slick parody of “Like  A G6” — featuring Jen, Jesse, and Tim themselves (with cameos by CubicleJot & LG).

You can even keep updated with the latest news and apps at the MiKandi blog. There you go, tech-savvy preeverts! At long last, MiKandi is here to fulfill all your mobile, nubile, interwebs open sizzoid adult desires. Code it up!

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Happy Duck Day!

Happy almost Thanksgiving! If you’re like me, this ranks as one of my top holidays, not only because it falls on a Thursday — necessitating a four day weekend — but because it centers around my reason for getting out of bed in the morning: FOOD GLORIOUS FOOD!

Because Asian folks will never pass up an excuse to eat, we celebrate Thanksgiving with gusto. And if you’re like my family, the “traditional” spread is open to interpretation — as in we bring in our own traditions (but don’t call it “Asian fusion” unless you wanna get slapped).


Maybe instead of a turkey, you have a duck (skin extra crispy), with squab and chicken as side birds. Watch the chewed up bones on the table pile up! Chicken feet salad from the Viet deli; brilliant red cha siu slices from the BBQ spot. Instead of cranberry and gravy, fish sauce and garlic & scallion dip. And probably an assload of yau choy and other greenery (for your digestion, fool). Keep the cornbread in there, probably “Jiffy Mix” brand…everybody likes that. Or you could go the hotpot route and make everyone cook their own damn food.

For dessert, something involving sweet yams will be still be around, and oh yes — a huge fuckin’ cheesecake from Costco. You know the one.

XO cuz it's a special occasion!

And don’t forget the Henny, the Remy, the Crown. Mixed with some club soda for the kiddies, but Pau Pau likes that shit neat. And after the meal is over, it’s gamblin & yellin time!

And instead of eating turkey for days afterwards, just stick those leftovers in some congee! Ever had pumpkin jook? Om nom nom.

However you celebrate with fam and friends, loosen up them buttons, let Grandma eat the last piece of duck skin (don’t be rude!), and help moms with the dishes after. Say, what’s on your Thanksgiving menu? Mind if I stop by for 2nd dinner? I’ll bring the Remy…XO!

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Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock

Man, all these years I’ve just been playing boring ol’ regular rock-paper-scissors like a sucker! My life feels so untapped of its full hand/drinking game potential.

This kid has opened me up to a whole new world! (Although honestly he kinda lost me after “paper covers rock”. Something about decapitation. Chirruns are too smart these days).

I’m inspired: next time I play the Mm–sup–sup-mm–yi-sup/5-10-15-20 drinking game with my uncle I can build on it and tack on some random fingers and hand slaps here and there. MODED! Thanks Dylan!

P.S. Dylan — your haircut rules. Boing!

via Buzzfeed

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Friday Fuckery: Four Loko CGI

I never heard of Four Loko until it was banned, and now I really wanna try it, dangnabit! Too bad it’s now illegal in my home state of WA AND probably in NY state. Christ, looks like I’ll have to travel to Portland (or even worse – Jersey! ) for a fix.

For those of you who, like me, assumed the words “four loko” were the lyrics to a Pitbull song — it’s a fruity-flavored energy drink loaded with up to 12% alcohol (3 times that of beer) and the equivalent of 3 cups of coffee. It’s also gots some extra goodies thrown in, like taurine, guarana, and wormwood (an ingredient in the notorious and noxious absinthe).

Extreeemmme!! But apparently this rager in a can induces blackouts amongst the youths, and has been dubbed “legalized liquid cocaine”, or “the convenient alternative to having to awkwardly ‘hang out’ with your dealer”.  Which has led to local officials’ attempts to ban Four Loko  in bodegas and mini-marts.

But to truly gain an understanding of the kind of crazy-making Four Loko brings to the table, you need…Taiwanese CGI! Huzzah!

I like hijinks just as much as the next pushing-30 gal, but waking up in a cage with a gorilla?! No thank you, those days are over for me. I’m willing to stick to my usual ways of gettin’ hyphy, like staying up past 10 pm, jaywalking, and trying to pet alley cats. Extreeeeeeme!!!

via Buzzfeed

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Asian Conan

So the much anticipated return of Conan O’Brien premiered on TBS uh…over a week ago, but I don’t have a TV and can’t keep up with these things so give me a frickin’ break.

But I would really be remiss if neglected to throw up a post about ASIAN CONAN. Yeah yeah, he’s been around for a while, but he recently released his own music video, biiiitch!

While Irish Conan’s new show has received tepid reviews, with ratings dipping 30% in the second week, Asian Conan will always rule. With that untame-able ‘do, smoov pop ‘n’ lockin’, and that ladykillin’ mod suit, folks can’t help but wanna come get it now.

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Friday Fuckery: Hatsune Miku, Hologram Pop Idol

Meet Hatsune Miku: a 16-year-old pop idol with throngs of avid of followers, chart-topping albums, and oodles of fan sites.

She’s also a hologram.

Developed by Crypton Future Media, Hatsune is a singing synthesizer application (using voice samples of actors) that customers can purchase and program to perform any song on their computer.

Ok, I can see the appeal of this. Remember that application where you could download that purple gorilla and it would say whatever you typed in this delightful robot-voice? It was great for prank calls and recording voicemail messages. Remember that? Hello?

How I wasted my college years

Um, anyway, as much as I loved my purple gutter-mouthed gorilla, I’m not sure I would pay money to go see it talk jive in front of a live audience. Which is what thousands of Hatsune’s fans did, armed to the teeth with glowsticks to boot:

This brings up so many questions: What makes a superstar? Does a pop idol have to be a real person? But she has a real backing band! Is she really a musician? Or is it her programmers?

Or is it fan devotion that makes a superstar? By idolizing someone they can program themselves, are fans vicariously living out their hero worship fantasies through her? Are avatars better because they won’t get too drunk to perform or forget their own lyrics? Are J-Pop fans just insane?

It makes my head hurt. Gonna go listen to some Gorillaz. The band, not the app. Wait, what?

via Buzzfeed

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Nikki Haley: Reformed Sikh, Proud Tea Partier

Guest post by Justin Woo (whom I asked to write a post-election piece, after watching his asshole-chapping slam poem about Nikki Haley)


Okay, so I’m all for more Asian representation damn near everywhere. Movies, TV, films – Though I’m not angry about the whole Last Airbender thing anymore because at least people can’t blame us for that crap now.

Oh wait. Shit.

But POC in the GOP bears way too much resemblance to a certain Dave Chappelle skit.

https://bicoastalbitchin.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/vlcsnap-410621.png?w=300

Which brings me to Nikki Haley. Not only is she a Republican, she’s a proud member of everyone’s least-favorite sect of xenophobic wackjobs, the Tea Party. Her birth name was Nimrata Randhawa, and she is/was an Indian Sikh. She used to play up her Sikh faith and Indian background as a state legislator, but during her gubernatorial run, she played up her conversion (at 24) to Methodism. Way to strike a blow for liberation, Nikki.

If you go to her website, you can see her lecturing on “economic prosperity” while standing in front of a palm tree at what looks like a country club. I’m particularly revolted when she starts talking about the 12% unemployment rate in her home state, then cites ever-popular, incredibly misleading “right to work” legislation to “keep the unions out” and gets applause. She also talks about passing “business friendly legislation” – which is secret conservo-code for “fuck the poor.” We’ve seen what business friendly legislation looks like, and it is NEVER good for working people, particuarly POC.

On the flip side, her rambling video about smashing abortion rights repeats the word “life” no less than six times in 41 seconds, revealing the dearth of ideas and logical arguments in this theocratic stance. But at least Nikki yaks in a much less enthusiastic way. Maybe because her womb is punching her in the gut for so eagerly ceding control of her body to the state? Who can say? She’s obviously an educated, well-spoken woman, despite her crazy ass ideas. I’m hoping on some level, she realizes what an insane stance she’s promoting here, and is only doing so to become a viable candidate in her zany party.

And speaking of that party – regarding Haley’s candidacy, South Carolina Republican state senator Jake Knotts said, “We’ve already got a raghead in the White House. We don’t need another raghead in the governor’s mansion.” That kind of speaks for itself, doesn’t it? Maybe Nikki Haley has some kind of secret urge to be beaten and humiliated, but that’s not properly “Christian” enough, so she gets her abuse by staying Republican instead. I don’t know.


But the cyanide cherry on top of the turd sundae is the fact that Nikki has received the “Strom Thurmond Excellence in Public Service and Government Award” from the “S.C. Federation of Republican Women.” I think the only thing more ironic than naming a good government award after Strom fucking Thurmond is giving it to a POC who, if Strom had his way, wouldn’t even be able to use the same bathroom as white women. I mean let’s be real here – this guy staged a 24 hour straight filibuster against the Civil Rights Act. If that’s your idea of good government, what the hell counts as bad government?

This comes to a larger issue – why is it that Asian Americans are only getting visibility in the most stupidly conservative positions? Why do they have to change their names to get elected? (Piyush “Bobby” Jindal, I’m looking at you!) Do we have to endorse the absolute worst, most racist kinds of American policies and ideas to get any kind of representation in the higher echelons of government?

The only comfort I get from this whole shitty situation is that my slam poem about Ms. Haley will be good for another 4 years at least. Then again, her moronic policies will probably ensure that her state remains piss poor with a higher-than-average-unemployment rate, and my Northern tax dollars will continue to flow into her big-government hating state.

Hey, Nikki – you can criticize us “tax and spend liberals” when you pay for your own fucking stop signs, okay?

Justin Woo is a writer, spoken word artist, theatre artist, and DJ in Jersey City, NJ. He writes cranky screeds with hopes of changing the world. Also, for the lolz.

Facebook: www.facebook.com/justinwooartist
Wordpress: www.justinwoo.wordpress.com

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