You think I’m embarrassed? Embarrassed of what? Of these text messages? I’m Tiger Woods. Sure I wrote: “you are wrong I’m bone thugs in harmon”. So what? Its an outdated 90s reference to an irrelevant hip hop group, I know. And I even spelled “harmony” wrong and thought “N” was “in” rather than “and”. Who cares? I’m Tiger Woods. Woah, you think I should be ashamed cause I cheated on my hot Nordic wife? Cheated on her with this, this, this, this, and that? I’m Tiger Woods. You should second guess my life if I WASN’T cheating on my wife! Have you seen what I can do with a 9-iron? You think I should be even MORE embarrassed cause all the women I’ve hooked up with are White, Blond, tall, and blue eyed? Need I remind you that I’m Tiger Woods? Come on! My two years at Stanford are worth 3x as much as your undergrad at Duke and Masters from Rutgers, yo! You think I get embarrassed when SNL does a skit about me?
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My only thought when I’m watching that is why the hell didn’t I think of bangin’ Serena? Look at those milky cheeks and long blond hair! I’m buying a damn apartment in the Upper East Side RIGHT NOW on my Blackberry (probably another sponsorship on the way)… in between textin’ my hoes of course. And yes, I know I should be embarrassed for talking “hood”, cause I went to Stanford and grew up in Cypress… But Gawtdammnnit if I didn’t like texting shit like, “cause I’m blasian :)” Hell yea I’m Blasian! I’m Black and I’m Asian and I’m Blazin’. I’m Blasian. I talk Black cause I am! And I text with emoticons cause I’m Asian! I do what I do cause I am what I am. Ain’t no one in the world like me cause I’m the best damn golfer ever. And ain’t no one in the world NOT like me cause I’m every damn race in the world. So what are you going to do Cadillac? Drop me like Nutella on Kobe? It was all consensual! Ain’t NOTHING you can do! Cause I’m Blasian. And you’re not!
editor’s note: Tiger asked me if he could write a short post. so i let him. big mistake. i apologize for his audacity and complete ignorance of social etiquette. i thought his moms was asian!? i still had to let him do it though, since we all booed him at the big game this year. stay tuned next time when we let allen iverson write a short piece on why he should keep playing in the nba until he dies of old age.