Gimme That Christian Side Hug

You’re meeting your old friend for drinks. You guys haven’t seen each other in a couple years at least, and you’re excited to reconnect. There’s Brad! You wave as he makes his way over. Brad’s got a wide grin on his face and an outstretched hand that appears to be going in for a fist bump…but…wait…both arms are coming up…and…open…and closing in on you– Ack! What to do?!?

You and your high school sweetie just went on a date to see New Moon. You walk Sally to her car to say good night. You hold your fingers out for a gentlemanly handshake, but Sally looks up at you with “that look” in her eyes and takes a big step forward, arms outstretched…Good grief!  What do you do?!? WWJD?!?

According to this rap crew filled with “Christ Love”, here’s your solution. Listen carefully:

Did you watch the whole thing? First things first: AHH AHAA HAAAHAAAA HAAHAAaaaaaa. BWAAAAH TheresevenadancemovethatgoeswithitHAAAAohgodohgodheeeheehaaaa. Aaaaaah.

Phew! OK, WTF? So front hugs are “inappropriate”, but the sirens and gun shots in the track are cool? Yes, that seems balanced. They must be essential to clueing you in that sidehugs are still “street”. And the line: Jesus never hugged nobody like that? Erm, whatever you say, but he sure did boink Mary Magdalene all over the New Testament.

But really, what I’m most frustrated about is how these religious roughriders totally exposed my lewd and impure intentions. Now eveyone will know my fronthugs are a thinly veiled “trick” to get something more “legit”. Plus, there’s way too many teen pregnancies and bastard babies beget from the wicked, indecent behavior of fully clothed crotch-to-crotch contact. Mend thy ways sinners — and until you’re married —  let no one but the Holy Spirit touch you in your swimsuit area.

Which is why this message is especially important for all you lustful kiddies with your raging, hormonal loins. Don’t even mention condoms and contraceptives, filthy whores! Sidehugging is the only protection you need against the temptations of fornication or a pox upon your pee-pee or fla-fla. If you master the powerful sidehug, you’re halfway to accomplishing a unadulterated, holy, fulfilling life of celibacy.

This song makes the cheesy “no glove, no love” jingle of my childhood seem downright revolutionary. C’mon guys, even the awkward 7th grade health class banana + rubber demo would have been more helpful here.


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