Friday Fuckery: Giant Babies

Ya’ll know how I am about babies. Generally, they make me feel weird (what are you supposed to say to it? Too much pressure) and I find them tiresome after about 5 minutes. Also, they smell funny, like Johnson’s baby powder and warm milk. And I resent that whenever a babeh is within 20 ft, it’s required that you re-direct all your attention to it for a prolonged amount of time — or be perceived as missing that mothering instinct — and hence heartless and inhuman.  I gots other things to do with my time, yo. Like book it to the bar before happy hour’s over and then stumble home and cut my own hair.

Not that I am inherently opposed to all babies/chilluns. Quite often I’ll come across a lil’ toddler in front of the Chinatown Ice Cream Factory so screamingly adorable that I have the urge to abduct it and skip gleefully through the streets, tossing babe in arms like a cuddly panda bear. Only for a couple hours people. Calm down.

Anyhooz! Now that we’ve covered babies in general, let’s address: Giant. Babies.

Like the 19-pounder just born in Indonesia:

I'm scared too, little feller

I'm with you on this one, baby on the left

And this 13.75 pounder, born in China in 2005:

Sorry, no full-body pic...just infer from the cheeks.

Sorry, no full-body pic...just infer from the cheeks.

I was not aware that this was a real thing. Sounds more like the title of a horror B-movie. GIANT BABIES ATTTAAAACK (your uterus). How do you carry something around like that for nine godfersaken months?!

But giant babeeeez are very real, and the explanation is more commonplace than you’d think: it can happen when the mother has diabetes. Diabetes! Looking at these pictures moves me to swear off pie and Twix bars forever. Maybe. Is it worth it? I mean, there’s always adoption right?  Or this could just become my soundtrack of motherhood. Awesome.


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