B.O. smelling Canadians to the right of me and drunk VB beer drinking Aussies to the left of me on a 14-hour flight in coach. What could make it worse? Dragon Ball Z Evolution playing on the big screen. I really wanted to sleep (popped them Tylenol PM), but my BcB blogging duty called (and I ain’t wasting valuable queue space on Netflix for this shit).
It’s so bad, I had to summarize it bulletpoint style:
-Goku is obviously White in the movie. It’s a significant and definitely intentional move as everyone else around him is Asian. Although they live in a “mixed race” future world where cosmopolitan superfuture cities include every race, Goku is white, his sensei is Asian, his dream girl is Asian, and the assassin out to get him is Asian. The reason why he’s White and his grandpops is Asian is a plot twist (Goku is an alien!). Please forgive me if this is a major DB plot point, I never watched an ep of the cartoon before…
-Jamie Chung is a size 32b. Why do I know this? Cause I’m a perv? Yes. No. Cause they’re in every scene. Whether she’s in a t-shirt, dress, or karate outfit, there’s major cleavage. To say she wasn’t sexualized (this is a kids’ movie), would be a lie. The worst part was that the female Asian assassin was just as sexualized (with just as many boob popping shirts). And who wasn’t? The White female co-star played by Emmy Rossum. And she’s HOT. Emmy “The only damn reason I watched The Day After Tomorrow” Rossum couldn’t let her hair down at all and had to play a tomboy the whole movie? And no cleavage shots? WTF? If you’re gonna be a creep, be a creep, don’t have a double standard for Asians.
-The worst part about Emmy Rossum’s character? She has all this sexual tension with the only other Asian male lead character, ALMOST kisses him, but of course is interrupted by some dude chopping vegetables! You think someone chopping veggies is gonna keep me from making out with opera singing, face of an angel, 23-year old Emmy Rossum? Hell no fucking way! If they hooked up, it would have made up for at LEAST 10% of the Jamie Chung/white boyfriend relationship (which she seems to have a typecasted hold over now (see Samurai Girl).
-And that Asian actor I just referred to? Joon Park. And why couldn’t HE play Goku, the lead? I’m sure someone’s going to argue that the movie needs to market to Asian AND the US, and the lead has to be white. And I know in the past, I’ve had discussions with people in the business who shall remain nameless, and they said that Asians in Asia don’t care if the lead character is white or Asia if its an action movie. So why is Joon-Hyung Park featured in the official Korean movie poster?
-Chow Yun Fat, my goddamn IDOL, completely forgets what it was like playing the “aged sensei in charge of teaching a white man karate” from his Bulletproof Monk FIASCO and does it all again. Worst part? He plays the role as a creepy old guy! How do you make black suited, black tied, double gunned, funeral procession through Chinatown, long haired/flying (almost cried when he died), Chow MF’ing Yun Goddamn Fat a creepy old man? Cause that’s the only way to desexualize him and allow the main scrawny ass lead White man be the star of the film? Duh.
-James Wong, the director (cause if he’s Asian, that makes this all ok, right?) is also the man behind X-Files: Revelations, Final Destination and The One. Jamesy, I highly doubt you’ll be:
1. Directing any new big budget film any time soon.
2. Invited to any Asian American film festivals. Ever.
You’re the only man that could take a show like X-Files, which has barely any bad episodes, and make it into an unwatchable film, even to X-Philes (such as myself).
-I saved the best for last. Jamie Chung. I know we have mutual friends, so I’m gonna keep it low profile in case I run into you at every Bay Area folks’ favorite “dance on the table” Union Square Top 40 club, so here goes. Stop it. You’re playing the same character eveywhere you go, it’s called typecasting. Do an indie film here and a small part in a big budget film. If you want to do karate films, do one in Asia with someone like Stephen Chow or *cough* Daniel Wu. Hong Kong worked out for fellow American/pretty face Maggie Q. Don’t play a major lead in a mid-budget shitty film like this that glorifies the fact that you epitomize every White teen’s dream. You might get an action figure, but no one wins when you have to squeeze into a low cut karate uniform and run into the arms of a White dude forced into Asian fetish by alien powers (which is how I would summarize the plot for this movie). I’m only saying this cause I like you, ever since you wore a luche libre mask in Real World: San Diego… I’m just sayin’.
-The only saving grace for this movie is Ernie Hudson, the legendary Black 4th Ghostbuster, Winston, playing Sifu Norris, Chow Yun Fat’s master. That was badass casting.