The Cash Warren Complex

Another poor sap with outdated Warriors merchandise.

Another poor sap with outdated Warriors merchandise.

You see it all the time: walking down the street, at a cafe, in da club. The Cash Warren Complex. Simply put, its a hot girl with a boyfriend that is a tool, a douchebag, or just plain Fugly. There’s even an entire blog devoted to the phenomenon: Cause there’s only two answers any guy should reply with to the question, “Who’s good enough for Jessica Alba?”

1. No One.

2. Me.

Why am I writing this now? Well, a few Woody Allen films and a stroll through Brooklyn Heights reminded me of these type of douches. And I originally gave Cash Warren a grace period for being a Baron Davis/Warriors fan, (they played high school ball together at Crossroads in Santa Monica). But that ended 2 years ago, and now Davis is a Clipper… so the gloves are off.


7 thoughts on “The Cash Warren Complex

  1. Pingback: Friday Fuckery: Extreme Makeover-Chinese Jessica Alba Edition « BicoastalBitchin’s Weblog

  2. Pingback: The Reverse Cash Warren Complex « BicoastalBitchin’s Weblog

  3. Omg he looks so ugly in that pic! Lmao! I couldn’t stop laughing he looks like one of those ugly immigrant dudes you see at walmart and I’m half hispanic so I’m not saying that out of racism he’s just ugly! Don’t let his smiling pictures deceive you!


  4. Alba married Ca$h Warren exactly because he IS fugly. SHE wanted to be the pretty one in the marriage. It’s why she didn’t marry that Michael Weatherley guy she was previously engaged to — because Weatherley was actually prettier than she was (check out his photos from the ‘Dark Angel’ years, the guy was SERIOUSLY hot. He still looks great, now on NCIS). She even admitted as much in an interview before she married Ca$h — that she didn’t want to marry another actor who would spend more time looking in the mirror than she did. Which would be a smart move, except I’m pretty sure she wasn’t counting on the likelihood that her kids could inherit his simian face (which Honor almost certainly has), or the very real possibility she could look at his ugly mug across the breakfast table in 10 years and wonder: sooooo why did I marry this guy again?

    So she’ll keep on starring in crap movies and she’ll continue showing up inexplicably on red carpets and at awards ceremonies, like an unwanted dinner guest who refuses to go home even after you’ve done all the dishes and gone to bed. She’ll age much like Natalie Wood, slowly but noticeably, and talented actresses like Scarlett Johannsen, Natalie Portman, and Jennifer Lawrence will take home all the awards. Her looks are already fading (the new bangs in summer 2013 are an attempt to make herself look younger, I’m guessing), Warren doesn’t seem particularly ambitious, although I’m guessing his rich daddy and wife make work seem, oh, I don’t know — irrelevant?, and her company will have folded because there are many other companies competing for the same eco-dollars and doing a much better job at SEO, social marketing, and selling on Amazon. But then, since she used other people’s money to start the company. she’ll still be quite wealthy. The questions will then be: how do I ditch Ca$h without having to fork over half my money?; why did my kids lose all respect for me after they saw me in ‘The Killer Inside Me’ playing a prostitute who gets her skull bashed in ON SCREEN by Casey Affleck?; why didn’t I enroll in more acting lessons when I was still young and beautiful?; why does my ass look all lumpy and mis-shapen no matter how many corsets I buy? Regrets magnified a hundred-fold because she once had the looks and the brains, just lacked the acting gene. So close, and yet so far.


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