The Deadliest Warrior: White Man or Yellow Man?!

So there’s a new show on Spike TV called The Deadliest Warrior. It pits historical warriors from different time periods against each other using real weapons tested on sensored dummies attached to MacBooks with actuarial programs to determine who is most likely to die in a deathmatch.

The two they’ve shown so far are:

Ninja vs. Spartan

Samurai vs. Viking

So after watching the clips and whole shows, alls I gots to say is: Samurai vs Viking? Duh, Samurai wins. I haven’t even heard of Vikings getting off from them boats to fight… But Ninja vs Spartan? SPOILER ALERT! How the hells is a Spartan gonna kill a Ninja? Cause he’s got better armor? The Ninja’s lifelong enemy, Samurai, have armor too you know. Cause you know what a mf-ing ninja will do? He’s gonna come to a Spartan’s house in the middle of the night and kill him, his family and his dog. So all this mathematical probability crap about weapons and armor is a moot point. Damn Spartan “experts”, you’re as lame as Civil War reenactment old timers with your snarky comments and better than God attitude. How ever many times you re-fight Gettysburgs, the Union army will always win in the end, bro! And Ninjas are f’n awesome!

And to the producers of the show, why you gotta only pit the White man against the Yellow/Brown/Black man to see who’s better? Spartan vs. Ninja? Viking vs. Samurai? Yakuza vs. Mafia? Apache vs. Gladiator? William Wallace vs. Shaka Zulu? Then you got a Shoalin Monk vs. Maori battle going on in the later episodes! Argh!!

I just wish you guys had the match-up everyone and their moms wanted: Pirate vs Ninja! Cause then everyone wins.


5 thoughts on “The Deadliest Warrior: White Man or Yellow Man?!

  1. for reals! and what about some good ol’ brown-on-brown violence! samurai v. ninja. apache v. mohawk. or how about cauc-on-cauc: knight v. mafia. viking v. robin hood. you get the idea.


  2. Welp, that’s what happens when you get your history lessons from Disney. I recommend Men in Tights (including Dave Chappelle) version, btw.


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