The following is a guest blog from Frederick Laurel Bartholomew O’Dowell II, American and Texan.
Hey y’all, Freddy O here, or you can just call me Tex if you’re a cowboy or cowgirl out in Terrell, Texas! Yippee-Kay-Yay muthaf’as!
I wanted to write up what you liberal NY Times readin’ douchebags here at BcB would call an ed-torial. I ain’t all about learnin’ much, but I did go to collage on a full ride as a linebacker (GO AGGIES!). I ain’t gonna brag much either, but I was the best they ever had. And don’t give me that Dat Nguyen was the best Texas A&M ever had BS. Dick Butkus award my ass. He was Bill Parcell’s little bitch for the Cowboys. I’m talking a REAL linebacker. A “blitz all the f’n time no matter what coach said” kinda linebacker.
Like I said, although I spent much of my collage life taking Sports Psychology classes and chasing cheerleaders (oooh Chrissy, I miss them milky thighs!) I wanted to say I’m glad as hell a God fearing Republican like good ‘ole Betty Brown spoke up ‘gainst the ‘ignant immigrant ching chong wannabe Texans that think they have the right to vote just cause they were born here or became citizens cause they know who the first President of the US of A was (Benjamin Franklin to you a-holes) or what the D.C. in Washington, D.C. stands for (Democratic City you water buffalo jockies). God bless you Betty Brown and your All-American name (would you believe me and Betty comes from the same town? What are them odds? She even in my wife’s small group on Tuesdays and Thursdays and her husband’s in my yearly huntin’ cabin trip up in Montana!). Being American and voting is a privilege, not a right. A privilege blessed (by Jesus) on God fearing Johns, and Michaels, and Pauls, and Matthews and Josephs. I’m talking Americans with real names, New Testament names, Jesus’ disciples names. Not names like Ezekiel, Micah, Leviticus, or Hoseah — cut that Old Testament Jew shit out! If the saint you were named after weren’t in Jesus’ fishing boat, I don’t want your name on a voting ballot, cause you ain’t gonna vote Republican. It ain’t voter suppression down here in Texas if we call it “Proactive Republican Accessibility Prioritization Encouragement” or Pro-RAPE for short. It’s right as rain we sent a lady from Terrell, North Texas down to liberal, Sodom and Gomorrah ass lickin’, “I don’t wanna marry the opposite sex”, sure as Armageddon they going to Hell in a handbag, I can’t f’n believe our beautiful state’s capital is in Austin Goddamn Texas. I’m pretty Goddamn sure I saw a Black and Chinese holding hands on 6th Street the last time I was there when mah son registered for the Marines at the state capitol building!
We need her down there to fix things up like we need to fix immigration laws in the Great State of Texas (give me a shotgun and a list of Chins in a Chinaman phonebook and I’ll fix your Goddamn immigration laws Broke Obama). Maybe then so-called football players named Dat Nguyen can stop breakin’ all the Goddamn records I set as the best Goddamn middle linebacker College Park, Texas has ever seen! Cause Dat Nguyen needs to get a fixin’ and make his name into something more ‘propriate for Texas and easier on my tongue like “That Win”. Sounds the same. Maybe then he can quit crying “my neck hurts so much I gotta retire” and just MAYBE play for the greatest football team ever, my Houston Texans! OOOOOhh-WEEEEE! Won’t that be the day! On second thought, I don’t know if I want ‘nother miNOrity on my beloved Texans (notice how I put the word NO into minority? It’s a play on them words, I tell ya!)
God Bless You (You know who You are).
PS. Please contact the lovely Betty Brown with the following contact information to tell her what a great job she’s doing! Don’t listen to them Communists and their whining (I didn’t even KNOW there were Dems in Texas?!)
Capitol Office Phone: (512) 463-0458
District Office Phone: (903) 675-9500
Capitol Address: Room E1.404, Capitol Extension, Austin, TX 78701
District Address: 108 S. Pinkerton, Suite 105, Athens, TX 75751