Editor’s note: Please click on comments below to hear from the Producer of Dogs of Chinatown, Blake Faucette and lead actor, Eric Jacobus.
Eric: Dude, let’s totally make an action movie!
Blake: Dude! How did we NOT think of this before?
Eric: Dude! Let’s start a movie company called Contour cause I like the contour of my Asian girlfriend’s back!
Blake: And I totally DRIVE a Ford Contour!
Eric: I know! Right? Let me try writing up the plot. *PUFF* *PUFF* *COUGH* Alright. I got it. Here goes:
Contour’s Eric Jacobus stars as Jack, a down on his luck dude who thinking of ending his own life one night, steps into a mob hit and saves the life of a young woman, Jin (Thi). She turns out to be the mistress of a local Chinese kingpin who is impressed with Jack’s nerve and people killing skills. He offers Jack a position in his ‘family’ sending him to train in the arts of martial, war and murder. Adapting to his new lifestyle with vigour, Jack becomes an elite killing machine but cannot stop his growing feelings for Jin. Soon the two are lovers and torn between his loyalty to his new ‘family’ and that of his woman, Jack sets out on a deadly course of action which will see the city’s gangs turning violently against one another and Jack and Jin fighting for their freedom and lives.
Blake: But Eric, we need like, race wars, violence and nude Chinese bitches, you know what I mean? My frat boys back at BC ain’t gonna watch it if there’s none of that.
Eric: Ok, how about I add this ish then:
The film is also violent in nature keeping in with the tone of warring gangsters meaning blood is spilt, there is a fair bit of nudity and you really feel it when characters are killed.
Blake: Dude, this movie sounds dark. I want Steven Seagal in Under Seige 2, NOT Steven Seagal in Under Seige 1!
Eric: Ooooh! Why didn’t you SAY so. Remember that Chinese dude we used to F with back at our parents’ vacation pad in Scottsdale, Arizona?
Blake: The one that delivered Chinese food on a moped?
Eric: Yea dude, Imma write a character like HIM into the movie:
Mercifully, there is a sense of humour, proceedings never taking themselves too seriously. Most of the comic relief comes from Jack’s trainer, Wei (Brian Lee) who, often drunk, has some great one liners especially when it comes to picking up women.
Blake: So we gotta find a lead character that knows Kar-a-te…
Eric: Yea bro. Let’s go down to the Wushu class downtown.
Blake: But everyone there’s Chinese and Filipino.
Eric: Oh thank God you said that. Cause I was TOTALLY not wanting an Oriental dude as the lead. We wouldn’t make any money outside of San Francisco and, umm, where ever else the F there’s Chinese dudes.
Blake: How we gonna find a white dude that knows karate then?
Eric: Let’s just YouTube “White” and “Karate” and treat those videos as audition videos. Or I can just do it.
Cody: But the girl’s gonna be Chinese though, right?
Eric: FUCK YEA! Ain’t no one gonna believe a white dude that knows karate would be into a white girl. And I know just the Chinese broad to do it. My girlfriend’s hot younger cousin Huyen Thi.
Blake: I think she’s Vietnamese, not Chinese.
Eric: *PUFF* eh? Whatever, let me add a bio on Huyen Ti on the website and add this, cause I totally think all Asian girls want white dudes all the time:
Eric Jacobus’ chemistry with Huyen Thi works well, the two making a believable couple.
Eric: Dude. You are being so critical. I’m spelling it phonetically when I want to, OK?
Blake: And I think we need more Chinese people to make this believable as a Hong Kong action flick type movie.
Eric: But we’re filming this in Winston-Salem and Raleigh! Fine, I’ll add something: mob boss, Chinese waiter, massage parlor madam. I’ll think of something:
There is also fine support from Rudy Chu as the Chinese mob boss and Brian Lee as Jack’s trainer, who manages to switch from drunken comedy clown to kick ass fighter with ease.
Blake: Great. Let me get my dad’s AmEx Black and we’ll be on our way.
Eric: *Puff*. F that. I just finished the trailer. I made sure I’m F’n the Chinese broad and pulling her hair and stuff all over the trailer in between punching out Asian dudes with mah fists and ish. Yea!
Blake: You’re a sick, sick man. But I likes! Let’s call it Dogs of Chinatown.