Wei East Bottles Ancient Chinese Secrets for Yo Wrinkly Western Ass

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Hoo Boy.  Wei hawking her Wei East Beauty products on the Home Shopping Network. Not sure how I feel about this broad.

 

Actual age is 75. Which is 32 in Oriental years.

Actual age is 75. Which is 32 in Oriental years.

First off, the usual cues got my hackles up (aside from the mere fact that it’s sold on HSN): the chinky muzak in the background, the cheesy product names like “Moonlight Recovery” and “Triple Lotus Extract”. Or that Wei is dressed up like a china doll in her highneck cheongsam. And the Chinese accent sounds highly suspect. It’s like she’s one big ethnic caricature appealing to white soccer moms’ stereotypes in order to drive sales. Some of my favorite Wei-isms: “I develop this give you maximum hydration”, ” This I want you try!” and “Lock the moist into your skin.”

Teehee - of course Wei only drink gungfu jade blossom pearl tea! Buy my shit, white lady!

Teehee - of course I only drink gungfu pearl taro blossom from 5,000 year old teacup - I from China. Buy my shit, white lady!

A gander at the Wei East website is even more bile-rising: In China, we take time to reflect on the basic things that keep life in balance. Wei East is Authentic. Every Wei East product is the child of both thousands of years of Chinese herbal wisdom, and of inventive, rigorous, Western science, technology, and testing.

Cuz, y’know, East and West are two mutually exclusive worlds, and things like rigor and technology have just not been valued in traditional Chinese society. They prefer to zenishly (yeah I made up a word) introspect and discover healing roots and berries through Oriental intuition, instead of using radical Euro concepts like tests or science.  

But. Wei seems like a sweet lady. And if she’s just gamin’ it to stack some skrill from dumb ol’ gwei-lo, then more power to ya Auntie. 

I was pretty irritated when that peroxided heiffa of a co-host interrupted Wei at 4:40 to correct her Engrish, and then wouldn’t let it go for the next two minutes. Oh its epideris, not epideral, you silly ching chong! Since she’s already pimpin stereotypes, instead of going all gigglegoogledy, Wei shoulda drawn upon her Ancient Chinese Secret Claw of the Dragon and chopped that bitch in the neck. That’s how they do in China. I woulda paid $42.48 to see that.

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