There are many rules, tips, guidelines and strategies to follow when it comes to being with a Vietnamese guy, none of which is more important than the ONE that I am going to share with you today. So by chance if you happen to find that rare breed of unicorn that is the perfect Vietnamese guy, heed this advice not only if you are seeking to marry your Vietnamese man, but especially if you want to have a loving and happy relationship with his family as well. Ready? Here it is: Make sure that his mom is ugly.
You can spend your time vetting out the non-smoking, non-gambling, non-pool hall hustlin’, non-middle of the day cafe sua da drinking, dentist to bring home to mom and dad. And your parents will love that he doesn’t yell out “DO MA!” at the beginning of every other sentence. They’ll be ecstatic that he’s able to make his own money and buy his own home. And what they’ll really enjoy is that they can tell all the relatives that their son in law is a doctor (but really a dentist). However, none of these benefits of landing the perfect Vietnamese man matters once you meet HIS mom. His mom is the one that will make or break your self esteem and happiness with this guy. Why? Have you ever met an older Vietnamese woman? Chances are, on your first encounter with her, she checked you out from head to toe. Examined everything from your hair to your skin to your existent or nonexistent double eyelids. She asked you about your family, your education and upbringing. Bottom line, Vietnamese moms are critical. My mom told me the other day to stop eating because I’m getting fat. (Thanks mom, I will commence starvation soon.)
Now if Vietnamese moms are innately critically, can you imagine if she had a hand in bringing up what in her eyes is the perfect Vietnamese man? Can you imagine the standards she would have for the woman who wants to take him away from her? On top of that, if she were a good looking older Vietnamese woman, the expectations she would have for her future daughter in law would be above that of the above average girl. I’m talking Miss Vietnam Universe, double eyelids galore, porcelain skin, 15 inch waist, nicely manicured nails while constantly doing dishes, perfectly shaped face, long healthy dark hair, and the likes of a Vietnamese goddess while wearing an ao dai. HOWEVER, if she were an ugly woman herself, she may be a little more forgiving when it comes to your physical flaws. A little on the heavy side? Well, if his mom is 5’3″ and tipping 210 on the scale, she’ll probably be less likely to call you the fatass. Got a lazy eye? Hope that his mom has a big ass goiter growing out of her neck. Now, the chances of encountering that hardass Vietnamese woman who is uber critical regardless of her own physical abnormalities are still there. But do hope your man’s mom is one of the humility and less likely to call you out for your kinky curly hair when she is balding. That way, even though she had higher hopes for her son marrying that imaginary Vietnamese goddess, she’ll leave you be with your less than perfect skin and flabby thighs.
So when you do find that perfect Vietnamese guy you intend to marry: a) double check to make sure he’s not already married; b) lemme know if he has an equally perfect brother; and c) pray that his mom is one ugly woman.
Thanks LL for giving me the OK to write this completely politcally incorrect post about our peepos.