I *heart* Girl Scout Cookies; I NO *heart* Girl Scouts

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you can always count on the month of march to deliver certain things: longer days, breezier weather, spring break (oh, to be a student again), march madness, the cactus league, and most importantly, girl scout cookies. yes, they have arrived. thin mints, tagalongs, and my beloved samoas. now, what would make me love girl scout cookies even more is if they got rid of the girl scouts.

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a few months a woman at work brought in a sign up sheet to pre-order girl scout cookies  from her daughter’s brownie troop. she left the sign up sheet on the table in the common area, and next to it, she placed a photo of her daughter. strategic. appealing to potential buyers through cuteness. apparently, the kid wasn’t cute enough to me, cuz i didn’t pre-order shit. so today, she brings in her kid to deliver the cookies and collect the money. because she’s a good parent, she’s also trying to teach her kid basic mathematics in the process. so as they’re walking around the floor handing out the cookies to people who pre-odered (which i didn’t. damnit why isn’t your kid cuter, in which case, i woulda caved and pre-ordered, in which case, i’d be eating some samoas right now!), i’m sitting here listening to the woman slowly count out the change back from a twamp so that her 7 year old kid can learn the concept of subtraction.  (man, i was doing multiplications at age 5, oakland public schools, holla! i kid).  not only is it annoying to listen to this woman teach her little girl scout math ( … 1…..2….3…..4….5…6… – bitch, 12!! 8 from 20 is 12!! give him a ten and 2 one’s and be done!), but coupled with the fact that i’m girl scout cookie-less, i’m even more irritated.

why the lack of love for girl scouts? perhaps, because growing up  my sister and i were never girl scouts, literally and figuratively. shit, who in oakland was a girl/boy scout/brownie!? can you imagine walking around east oakland with boxes of cookies and cash in tow? i might as well just hand the crackheads my goodies (not ciara goodies) and avoid the beat down. however, now that we’re older, you would think that my sister and i would have more love for little girl scouts, especially, with her being a parent herself and all. our gchat  5 minutes ago:

me: i want girl scout cookies!!!

seestar: when do they arrive?

me: they’re here now. some lady is passing it out to ppl who pre-ordered, i didn’t.

seestar: pre-ordered LAME

me: i wonder if they’re selling outside safeway

seestar: overrated. they are probably outside montgomerybart harassing us bart riders.

me: way to support the brownie girls

seestar: I have a son

me: that will never ever be involved in boy scouts. he’s way too cool for that crap.

seestar: EXACTLY. I want him doing gymnastics.

obviously, my seestar could still careless for girl scouts and will need to enroll my nephew in martial arts classes to defend himself for being enrolled in gymnastics.

Why (most) Americans Will Never Like Hockey

I fucking hate hockey. It has nothing to do with communism or Canada or the low scores, like how most Americans feel (have you ever seen a pitching dual in baseball, America?!). I just feel it is the least socially and economically accessible sport there is. You need pads, helmet, skates, puck, stick, an ice rink and 9 other people that can afford the same. Its probably $2000 just to get on the ice prepared for a pick up game. And that’s not even including a ref cause icing and off sides ain’t something you can self regulate like backcourts and double dribbles. It also has nothing and everything to do with race. Cause kids in the projects or kids with immigrant parents don’t have any opportunity to send their kids in to get fitted with hockey equipment and training.

 

When I think of a hockey team called the Dragons, i think of a team that looks like this. Including Ronald Weasley taking some time off his Quidditch team to play hockey (second from the right).

When I think of a hockey team called the Dragons, i think of a team that looks like this. Including Ronald Weasley taking some time off his Quidditch team to play hockey (second from the right).

 

Compare this to basketball, and you got yourself a huge discrepancy. If you dont believe me, go to a Warriors game in Oakland then go to a Sharks game in San Jose. In Oakland, I’m one among thousands of blacks, whites, browns, and yellows. At a sharks game, I’m the ONLY PERSON of color. I literally could not find a token Asian or Mexican kid. Have you ever been the token minority in a group the size of thousands before? In the f’n Bay of all places? If you wanna be, head straight to the club level bar behind section 101 at the Shark Tank. You won’t even find that one little 1st generation Asian kid that grew up in Los Gatos and doesn’t have any Asian friends cause he didn’t grow up around any. 

 

And this is why I’m an Obamaniac. Cause our President balls, and people in his cabinet ball:

 

  • Arne Duncan, Center. Secretary of Education. Harvard and Australian Pro.
  • Eric Holder, Guard. Attorney General. Queens native. NYC Stuyvesant High School, Columbia University. 
  • Susan Rice, Guard. United Nations Ambassador. National Cathedral. 
  • James Jones, Forward. National Security Advisor. Georgetown. 
  • Reggie Love, Obama’s Body Guard. Duke University National Champion, 2001. 
  • Barack Obama, guard. Punahou High School.  

 

 

Its the only sport you can play a whole game by yourself, in your backyard, at midnight (which was my saving grace as an only child). Its the only sport you can show up in any neighborhood court in the WORLD with a pair of tattered Jordan’s and an NCAA bball and play with 1, 3, or even 9 other like-minded individuals. Or play by yourself in between plays of a 5 on 5 game you complete loser.

 

Hockey is for those that can afford it. And my America can’t.

 

Portland, the Last Bastion of White Flight.

Let me start by saying, I dig Portland. Between the book stores, alternative press/comic book shops, vinyl shops, bike shops, dive bars, cabarets, foodie diners, random taco/waffle trucks, and no sales tax, its bomb. But can I buy some diversity there? Is this town a secret amongst the gwei lo’s? How come no minorities consider moving there? Only a handful of people I know have ever thought about going to school at OU or OSU, thought about moving here for a job, or decided to visit for fun. And this is pretty much the next closest major city to California there is!

I didn’t get any outright racism. But what I DID get was the quick turnaround, which is common in places with ZERO Asians. As in, I could swear people were staring at me, but right when I looked at them, they’d turn away. Everyone. Everywhere. EVEN IN CHINATOWN. That’s where I drew the line. MF’er, if I’m in Chinatown, you can be damn sure I’m gonna stare at your GWEI LO ass until it hurts. I just don’t understand why the hell you staring at me?! But on top of that, the Chinatown was the WORST CHINATOWN ever. We’re talking dragons and lions at restaurant entries, shops that sell KUNG FU outfits and nunchuks, and restaurant names straight out of a Rush Hour 3 fight scene. Just pick out your restaurant using this handy Random Chinese Restaurant Name Generator: 

 

 

 


  1   2   3
           
  Golden   Pearl   Delight
  Emperor’s   Garden    
  Great   Empire   of the Orient
  Cantonese   Wall    
  Mr. Lee’s   Canton   Village
  Oriental   Dragon    
  123   Lotus Flower   House
  ABC   Silk Road    
  Hong Kong   Buddha    
  Cantonese   Monk    
  Schechuan   Moon    
  Lucky   Dynasty    
  Flying   Bamboo    
  Red   Yangtze    
  888   Shanghai    
  King        
  Hunan        

 

 

I don’t know if it’s the Chineers’ peoples fault or if they’re just catering towards the audience that wants their favorite Kung Pao Chicken restaurant adjacent to the store that sells firecrackers and Chinese stress balls. Not to mention some amazing trinkets like this:

 I can't wait to have my own kids.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So my advice: visit, but don’t move to Oregon. Unless you want to be mistaken for a worker each time you enter a PF Changs. But you would actually deserve it if you’re Asian and you’re eating at an f’n PF Changs. 

Gary Gots It On Locke

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Gary Locke, Washington State’s former Governor and FIRST! Chinese American Governor in America, is doin big thangs. As a Washingtonian born and bred – I puff with pride to think of our Belov’d Gov likely named as (FIRST!) Commerce Secretary for the Obama inner circle.

Ok, I admit that during Locke’s 1996-2004 reign I was a youngin more preoccupied with nurturing my newfound love of schnapps and snatching up the latest Elfquest issues at Comics Corner (and managing my blinding popularity, obviously) than local politics. But in general, my hazy teen memory tells me that I did indeed vote for his re-election when I was of age, he generally kicked ass, and was well loved by PNWers.

No stranger to the projects and public school, racist threats against his family, and right-wing assassination plots, Gary is one tough mother that’s down with the proles — not some high-falutin’ elitist politician. And don’t forget his smokin’ wife, Mona!

Runway worthy. Former Newscaster. Hawt Dayum.

Runway worthy. Former Newscaster. Hawt Dayum.

Plus, he rocked the flyest haircut in the history of elected officialdom:

It's a bowl cut, bitches. Bow down.

It's a bowl cut, bitches. Bow down.

Aaaand his niece or something went to my high school (what up Emily! Sorry I was such a hosebeast in Chem). But I digress! Along with Steven Chu and Eric Shinseki, this could make three Asian Americans in the Obama Cabinet. And that’s the kinda world I wanna live in someday. Go Gary Go!
 
UPDATE:  Locke clinched it! How sweet it is that the position once likely to go to New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson — whose nomination drew opposition from groups like Chinese for Affirmative Action due to his bigoted witchhunt, denial of due process, and false accusations of espionage against Dr. Wen Ho Lee — is now occupied by a Chinese American. Eat it Richardson!

Industrious Infants

Babies: cute, cuddly, lazy. While adorable, they are mostly black holes that gobble up our food, money, and attention. If you’re lucky, the upfront investment supposedly pays off after 18 years in the form of an upstanding, income-generating citizen who will inherit your values of buying in bulk and not dumping you in a nursing home. But c’mon, two decades is a helluva long time to wait for your ROI. Time for Baby to start pulling its weight around the house. Literally.


 
Props to Asian folks for developing the multitask-tic product that is Baby Mop. Delightful for the whole family, and most importantly- practical and efficient! So Baby can do cute and still do its part — by swabbing up its own mess. Because while we still put family first, it’s never too early to simultaneously leverage your own child labor and instill values of usefulness and functionality. Let’s hope they make one for pets, too.

Please Don’t Stop the Music

Behold! the wonder that is Ely Kim: footfire starter, boy genius, god among men.  Set in 100 different days and locations, his moves know no bounds: he can freak out, vogue it, saltshaker, and pop dat booty: peep Days 13, 38, 64, and 92 for a sample of this dancin’ machine.  Sasha Fierce just got schooled with 100 lessons in Magnificent. Just goes to show — you can spaz out alone in your room or your parents’ den, wearing a kitten t-shirt, and still be a fuckin’ pimp. Thanks for the nod to all us basement headbangers, E.  Warm it up Kim!

BOOMBOX from Ely Kim on Vimeo.

Pissy Morning

To that teenager on the Dumbarton Bridge who cut me off in that monstrosity you call a car: you better hope I don’t see your Eminem wannabe ass again tomorrow morning.

To the Peets Barista whom I asked not to fill my tumbler all the way to the top and argued with me that it was right below the line: I like cream in my coffee, so when I add cream it will overflow and I can’t put my lid on. So when I ask you to pour some coffee out, don’t argue with me.

To the retirees/housewives of suburbia who stop in for your morning lattes after that brisk walk: do not stand in front of the coffee condiment station and hold your conversations about grandkids, dogs, vacation homes, or new anti wrinkle creams. You’re in the gawddamn way of my cream! There should be a law against 3 or more women loitering around wearing black stretchy pants with oversize parkas and white new balance sneakers.

To the homophobic, racist, ignorant ny post cartoonist and SOB, sean delonas: I hope your pee-pee rots and your butthole gets crazy glued together. Check out his latest cartoon sketch that the ny post allowed to go to print. Shame on you ny post.

02182009