Dear Tourists of New York

Hi Rubberneckers! Here’s a few handy tips on street etiquette, which should be particularly heeded whilst in the clogged streets of Soho.  Since it’s apparent you are oblivious to everything but your own damn self, please take a few moments to read these notes and incorporate them into your pedestrian behavior, for the comfort of all around you and to avoid a rap in the mouth.

Omigawd look Honey! Places where you can get stuff in exchange for money!

Omigawd look Honey! Places where you can get stuff in exchange for money!

When walking down Broadway admiring the circus of consumption, please refrain from throwing your arm out to point at the Armani Exchange store or the singing quadraplegic in the wheelchair. There’s a 97% chance that someone is walking directly into the path of your grubby hand, and you will consequently poke them in the ear, eye, or general head region. I swear to christ this happens to me at least twice a week, followed by a blinding rage and pink eye.

Second: I know that, like a racoon, you are instantly mesmerized by all the shiny crap sold by the 11,000 merchants lining the sidewalks. But if you must gawk and paw at the goods, please go up to the table and do so, instead of stopping on a dime in the flow of foot traffic. There are lines of people behind you who must draw upon panther-like reflexes to dodge your buffalo ass or else find themselves victims of a human pileup and scuffed heels.

Third, when entering a train, please do not step in only to stop and park yourself directly inside the car doors. There are folks following who #1: need to get ON the damn thing and #2 must maneuver around to snag a seat, or at least a space to stand and a pole to grab because jesus h. lady, I got three bags of groceries and I been waiting 20 minutes for the damn 6 train and there’s 20 more pushy mean people behind me and if I can’t get on Imma miss this week’s episode of ABDC and then I’ll have to choke someone for real so for the love of jeebus move your white Reeboks and Century 21 bags the fuck inside!!!

These are just 3 suggestions to remedy inconsiderate tourist behavior, out of a list of approximately 47,000. We will save the other 46,997 tips for future posts, and we also welcome our lovely BCB readers to contribute below. Thank you for your time.

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2 thoughts on “Dear Tourists of New York

  1. please leave all your fucking bags in your hostel/hotels. All of You do not need all your belongings that you packed for the trip.

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  2. 5 – Hotdog and nut stands are not open invitations to stop and take pictures. Plus, the nuts arent that good anyways. Oh, and a trucker hat with your name “tagged” isnt that cool and those framed pics of the Brooklyn Bridge arent authentic.

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