…we’re told that we should reflect on all the things that we should be thankful for in our lives. but that’s just bullshit because we all know what really happened to the natives. the story of thanksgiving is like a real bad codependent relationship where one partner milks the shit out of the other one, then one day ups and leaves them alone and desolate. the natives are like the not so cute girl who finally grabs the attention of the sauve hot guy (the european colonists). he rolls into her life with his suped up japanese import car (the mayflower) and sweeps her off her feet by whispering sweet nothingness in her ears- promising her a life of great sex, fancy dinners, and great sex. they go on their first date at the fancy four star restaurant (the first thanksgiving dinner), they dance, laugh, and talk about what the future holds. in her mind she’s already planning out the wedding, the kids’ names, and the cuisinart appliances for the kitchen counter. after a night of quick mediocre sex, he realizes, he can’t commit and wants out- but not before he managed to suck out of her every ounce of hope and livelihood. now she’s alone and wondering what the fuck happened. so yes, lets use this time to reflect on all the things that we are thankful for.
and because i’m filled with rage, here’s a list of people whom i would be thankful for if they ate undercooked food and get a mad case of the runs this thanksgiving…
ann coulter, because she’s a bigoted bitch.
michelle malkin, because she is a disgrace to all things asian/pacific
elizabeth hasselbeck, because she is fucking ANNOYING
that douchebag doctor that rear ended me on middlefield and hamilton
DS of NYC by way of NJ, because she made my last semester of grad school a living hell. that BITCH.
the people at 3beads for not letting me reschedule my one day jewelry making workshop.
SPRINT because i just got my cancellation bill in the mail.
tom ford for making his sunglasses so damn badass but so frickin expensive.
the family who sat behind me at the big game because they wouldn’t STFU.
the person who properly installed the traffic camera in menlo park that captured me running the red light. UGH
so who are you wishing for food poisoning on this holiday season?