I watched The Love Guru today. Why? For my favorite Non-Latina of course. What can I say other than it was bad. Although I can’t speak on behalf of my South Asian brothers like my buddy Waj on his WordPress blog, I can say the movie did flash me back to all the Hollywood hits that constantly remind us why white people
will always be better than Asians.
Poor Johnny Tran, he had no chance. He had no idea that the same plot line occurred 15 years prior, and I’m sorry to report, Yuji Okumoto from Karate Kid II lost the karate match, his girl Tamlyn Tomita, and apparently his Hollywood career.
Which leads me to the Daniel LaRusso Plot Line, one of Hollywood’s favorite go-to movie plot lines. Almost used as often as the African-American teen dramady “It’s a tie! Let’s have a dance/drum/freestyle rap-off” plot line (Stomp the Yard, You’ve Got Served, Drumline), the Daniel LaRusso originates from the great Karate Kid II, where the multi-talented Ralph Macchio (aka Daniel LaRusso) out-Karate’s the evil Japanese Chozen to win Kumiko’s heart… only to realize they were both replaced by Academy Award winning Hillary Swank in the sequel.
And these aren’t the only movies that show us why white people can do things Asians can do, but only better. Not only can they tune better rice rockets and karate chop harder, but they can play ping pong better
and of course, be better Gurus. Which brings me back to the Love Guru. Mike Meyers plays a White American guru who studies under the great Sir Ben Kingsley (who should be de-knighted and have his Ghandi Best Actor Academy Award taken away for his portrayal of a cross-eyed Guru). Myers, of course, spends the whole movie trying to beat out Deepak Chopra to be the best South Asian spiritual leader in America. Except for the fact that… well, HE’S NOT SOUTH ASIAN! And I’m not even going to get into the whole Bollywood rip-off scenes. I can’t speak on behalf of another culture, so you can check out the big musical number yourself and tell me if its racist:
I wish Hollywood learned its lesson when they picked David Carradine over Bruce Lee, but apparently not. You know how bad its gotten? I don’t know anyone else that is as angry about the plotline to James Bond, Die Another Day as much as me (did anyone even SEE this one?). But that movie takes the cake. The main bad guy, a North Korean army general REALIZES that white people are better, and actually goes through a dangerous state of the art surgery (in Cuba) to go from this ugly mug:
to this debonair PYT in a tux:
But, sadly, I’m a guy, and the lesson I learned from The Love Guru (and even Waj agrees with this one), is that Mrs. Cash Warren looks great in a sari, and that’s all that really matters, riggghttt fellas??? hello? right?