The Daniel LaRusso Plot Line

I watched The Love Guru today. Why? For my favorite Non-Latina of course. What can I say other than it was bad. Although I can’t speak on behalf of my South Asian brothers like my buddy Waj on his WordPress blog, I can say the movie did flash me back to all the Hollywood hits that constantly remind us why white people



will always be better than Asians.



Poor Johnny Tran, he had no chance. He had no idea that the same plot line occurred 15 years prior, and I’m sorry to report, Yuji Okumoto from Karate Kid II lost the karate match, his girl Tamlyn Tomita, and apparently his Hollywood career.



Which leads me to the Daniel LaRusso Plot Line, one of Hollywood’s favorite go-to movie plot lines. Almost used as often as the African-American teen dramady “It’s a tie! Let’s have a dance/drum/freestyle rap-off” plot line (Stomp the Yard, You’ve Got Served, Drumline), the Daniel LaRusso originates from the great Karate Kid II, where the multi-talented Ralph Macchio (aka Daniel LaRusso) out-Karate’s the evil Japanese Chozen to win Kumiko’s heart… only to realize they were both replaced by Academy Award winning Hillary Swank in the sequel.


And these aren’t the only movies that show us why white people can do things Asians can do, but only better. Not only can they tune better rice rockets and karate chop harder, but they can play ping pong better



and of course, be better Gurus. Which brings me back to the Love Guru. Mike Meyers plays a White American guru who studies under the great Sir Ben Kingsley (who should be de-knighted and have his Ghandi Best Actor Academy Award taken away for his portrayal of a cross-eyed Guru). Myers, of course, spends the whole movie trying to beat out Deepak Chopra to be the best South Asian spiritual leader in America. Except for the fact that… well, HE’S NOT SOUTH ASIAN! And I’m not even going to get into the whole Bollywood rip-off scenes. I can’t speak on behalf of another culture, so you can check out the big musical number yourself and tell me if its racist:



I wish Hollywood learned its lesson when they picked David Carradine over Bruce Lee, but apparently not. You know how bad its gotten? I don’t know anyone else that is as angry about the plotline to James Bond, Die Another Day as much as me (did anyone even SEE this one?). But that movie takes the cake. The main bad guy, a North Korean army general REALIZES that white people are better, and actually goes through a dangerous state of the art surgery (in Cuba) to go from this ugly mug:



to this debonair PYT in a tux:



But, sadly, I’m a guy, and the lesson I learned from The Love Guru (and even Waj agrees with this one), is that Mrs. Cash Warren looks great in a sari, and that’s all that really matters, riggghttt fellas??? hello? right?



RIP Walter Stafford

Who lived and died as the only tenured faculty of color at the NYU Wagner School of Public Service. But more importantly, he was a man of astounding brilliance, integrity, and humanity, as he dedicated his life to social and economic justice for communities of color. He fought the good fight. May the Women of Color Policy Network continue in your name and legacy, like the countless lives you have touched.

But I Want Candy

So the famous milky candies beloved by all (who are lactose intolerant) are reported to have traces of melamine in them, and have been recalled already in Singapore, Britain, the Philippines, Australia and New Zealand. Apparently they are still for sale in Beijing, cuz them mofos is gangsta.

Say it ain’t so! What’s next?! Haw flakes? Garden lucky candies? Ferrero Rochers?

Melamine…pssssht. What is that anyway? Does it have to do with getting a lovely, bronzy hue? If so, my pale ass could definitely use more of that- sign me up!

Ok. So I looked up “melamine” in Wikipedia and I didn’t really understand any of it but I did spot the words “cyanide” and “kidney stones” which are not good things. But I also noticed “organic base” which sounds like something Whole Foods shoppers pay a lot for, so maybe this ain’t so bad. Plus, it’s fire retardant! Bonus!

Alls I know is White Rabbit needs to get clean fast so the world can continue to enjoy the exquisite delight of eating a candy AND its wrapper.

Bobby Lee: I Just Can’t Tell

another post from BB’s friend Hanalei…

Bobby Lee As North Korean Scientist – video powered by Metacafe

For the life of me, I cannot figure out if Bobby Lee is funny or not. I mean, you get some really dumb sketches where OF COURSE he’s the broken-English “me rikey-rikey” mofo on MADtv. And you’re all sprawled out on your couch, smearing your face oils further into the epidermis thinking, “fucking hell, I could be drunk as hell right now if my ass didn’t buy four Precious Places playsets on ebay to reclaim my childhooooood!” All…broooding-like, because mofos who “paved the way” are likely to be metaphorically “rolling over in their graves.”

And then, there are these times when he isn’t the token douchebag. Like when he was being real with Margaret Cho (Act 2) of the Cho Show, toting a very subtle political line of media representation as Asian entertainers in the U.S. And you’re all, “Oh, Bobby! How earnest and kind and aware he is!” And then the next day, you catch him on “coon” mode again. Awful.

So, bottom line, Bobby Lee and I are on some hot/cold shit. I seem to enjoy him every other Wednesday, and that bothers me. I am too linear, and this ambiguous gray middle portion is not helping me out in my life. Maybe I just need to accept that Bobby Lee is just some Hollywood guy trying to live and make it! CUE 80s MONTAGE!!!!

But no, I have no such generosity….until next Wednesday.

Shoes OFF.

So I’m as “American” as the next guy. I know its weird to say, and I know a lot of people of color replace the word “White” with the term “American” (which I hate), but I was born here and although English is my SECOND language, I feel that if I qualify to be President cause I’m native born, I’m as American as Cup o’ Noodles and Rice-A-Roni, right? I like eating meatloaf.

But the ONE thing I will NEVER DO that White people do is wear my God Damn SHOES IN THE HOUSE. WTF?! I don’t understand. I live in a relatively dirty part of SF, and 80% of the time, my shoes are skimming 1-2 centimeters of urine when I’m in the bathroom at a bar, so I DO NOT understand the logic of wearing shoes in the house. I don’t care if you have carpet, linoleum, wood slate floors or Pergo. It DOES NOT MAKE sense. So when I walk you through my garage, and you see a PILE OF SHOES IN FRONT OF THE DOOR, right below a mounted print of Nikki McClure’s CONGREGATE print: 



My NOT SO subtle hint for guests to TAKE OFF THEIR SHOES

it means you should take off your damn shoes. What prompted this tirade? A parade of people walking straight into my BATHROOM with their shoes on. And I know its sad, but I use a poster implying guests to take off their shoes because of my passive aggressive Asian guilt.

Your excuse that your “socks smell” or your “feet are sweaty” or your “shoes are HARD to take off” doesn’t make it any better that you are dripping urine, fecal matter, blood, dirt, and worst of all, pollen into my humble abode. You know what’s worst? The guys that wear NO SHOES outdoors. I can just imagine them walking around barefoot in the Mission, stepping over hypodermic needles and homeless kids and then getting to their front stoops and putting on a pair of Birkenstocks or black Vans before stepping in the house. Why oh WHY!

Note to all White people, Asian people think you all are dirty and smell like B.O. That shit on the ground on the sidewalk is SHIT ON THE GROUND. If you walk your shoes NEAR it or ON it, SHIT will get ON THE SHOES and when you walk on CARPET, SHIT WILL GET ON THE CARPET.

Get the Fuck Out of Chinatown, Bloodsuckers

So when I found out about this my heart just sank. Apparently there’s some new uber pretentious bar called Apotheke (German for apothecary) opening today in Chinatown for fashion week- and not just anywhere in Chinatown, but fuckin’ DOYERS STREET, in the former Gold Flower Restaurant.
How in the hell did owners and restauranteurs Albert Trummer and Heather Tierney finangle this location? I’m guessing rising rents, displacement, and the “progress” of gentrification. How long until hipster boutiques, cafés, and condos start dominating the hood?  

Even before opening, this “already hot cocktail bar” got apple-polishing press from the New York Times and Thrillist.

Doyers is one of the quieter streets in Chinatown, home to family associations, barber shops, Malysian restaurants, hang out spots for locals,  and a small post office where elders line up early to send packages overseas.
Doyers is also one of the most culturally and historically significant streets in Chinatown- known as the bloody angle for gang wars, it also houses Nom Wah Tea Parlor – opened in 1920- “Chinatown’s first dim sum parlor”, Ting’s Chinese gift shop (open since 1957), and an old Chinese opera house and artist’s residence.


Apotheke’s owners obviously have no regard for Doyers indigenous residents or history, but seem more interested in exploiting it for their own profit and popularity on the NYC bar scene. With a serving of dumplings. Can’t they just stay where they belong in Midtown? 


And of course, these muthafuckers are reviving tired Chinatown stereotypes to attract their upscale and hipster clientele- marketing it as a former opium den (and selling opium and absinthe cocktails) with a dark, mysterious dungeon-like quality. Not all that different from sensationalist tours back in the day that paraded outsiders through Chinatown to gawk at its exotic and depraved conditions.  


I’m sure having a super trendy bar and accompanying loud obnoxious drunks will really improve the quality of life for Doyers street elders, who, unlike the owners and clientele, are extremely limited in where they can live, shop, and “be entertained”. 


White people. Always seeking “adventure” on other people’s turf and the thrill of “slumming it”, with no consideration of who they’re intruding on. Overprivileged, spoiled, culture vultures. 


I hope this place gets overrun by rats and loogie-hawking old timers. I think I may have found a new dumping ground for my garbage. Who’s with me?