The Irish Pub Conspiracy

The Irish Pub where it went down

So I had an incident at an Irish Pub. But before I start this story, I should start by explaining my Irish Pub Conspiracy Theory. The Irish Pub was clearly created by White Guy in order to get inebriated and game on girls without the following two elements:

1. Possibility of dancing

1. People of color.

Why choose an Irish Pub rather than a bar or club with a DJ? You don’t go to an Irish Pub for the food (haggis? meat pie? boiled potatoes?). You don’t go to an Irish Pub for the music (a jukebox with CD’S (What is this, 2007?) You don’t go to an Irish Pub for the good drinks (beer is beer is beer everywhere). You go to avoid DANCING. And IF there is any dancing that suddenly breaks out, its ironic and meant to be a big joke for all. House of Pain starts blasting? Just jump up and down! Any Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg song starts bumpin? Throw up the “WestSyde” and bob your head! God forbid, Uncle Luke comes on? Start smacking your girl’s booty! MJ comes on? Well, you get the point… 

And why is there no people of color in these joints? No dancing? Bad music? Miller Lights? Boiled food? TV’s playing the Tennessee vs. Army football game? Girls (Gone Wild) screaming “Woo!! I’m so drunk!”. And Frat Boys yelling “I’m gonna rock out with my cock out!” (it RHYMES!). I dread every second and can’t wait until JOURNEY comes on the jukebox so everyone will just stumble home already. 

And for those of you patient enough to read this far, this was my exchange at the bar in an Irish Pub in the 10th largest city in America: 

Drunk White Guy: Heeeeyyyy

Me: Hey.

DWG: Dude, the Olympics, what’s up with that? (Mind you, the Closing Ceremonies had already occurred several days before)

Me: Huh? What?

DWG: What’s up with China? The ping pong? (Did he throw in a superfluous definite article in there cause he thought I was Chinese?)

Me: Pardon?

DWG: You KNOW. The Chinese chick? She’s CHINESE, played ping pong in CHINA and now she’s playing for the US. What’s up with THAAAATTT??!

Awkward Silence

Me: I haven’t been watching the Olympics.

I was so confused by the exchange, I didn’t spot the intent (It was then that I realized I was one of 2 Asian-Americans in the joint, out of 40-50 people). He just wanted to connect with a person of another race and share in the spirit of the Olympics. And isn’t that the point of the Olympics, building a bridge across the Pacific Ocean to connect Beijing to the U.S.? Lovely. 

If you’re interested in knowing what he was talking about: Gao Jun,

Gao Jun

Gao Jun


One thought on “The Irish Pub Conspiracy

  1. What a great story! i remember a situation like that myself, actually. One time, i was in a Hip Hop dance class and a BaiLaowai walks in. Normally , I dont really date that type of people (my Father fought against them in Vietnam you know, plus the terrible stink they usually have is a big turnoff) but this one was one of the few BaiLaowai’s that actually looked easternised. So after making eye contact with him a few times, i went up to him and worked my magic!

    Me: Heeeeyyyy

    BaiLaowai: Hey.

    Me: Dude, that Joseph Fritz, what’s up with that? (Mind you, i had just watched a program about it on T.V )

    BLW: Huh? What?

    Me: What’s up with Joseph Fritz? The incest and raping his own daughter and locking her up in his basement and fathering 6 kids with her?

    BLW: Pardon?

    Me: You KNOW. The White guy! he’s WHITE, Raped his own daughter and made her pregnant, in Europe! and now he’s blaming it on his MOM. Are all you guys families like that? I mean, thats just gross… What’s up with THAAAATTT??!

    Awkward Silence

    BLW: My father left us when i was six (starts tearing up)

    Yeah, I wasnt really confused by the exchange, cause since he was the only non asian/black guy in the class(out of 50 people) I was just trying to be friendly and display my intelligence with him and show him i know about his culture and traditions. But i guess he was really ignorant about HIS OWN CULTURE, cause he looked really confused.

    Sad , isnt it? his parents never taught him his own culture and traditions.


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