Git Yur Dick Outta My Face, Pal



 R train, New York

So I’m sitting in a half empty car and this guy in madras print shorts comes over and stands directly in front of me. Close. He leans forward and I figure he’s looking over my head to read the subway map.  So I lean to the side. Dude was taking a while and I glance behind me to see if I was still blocking and notice there’s not a subway map, only an ad. And there’s really no need for him to stand cuz there were plenty of open seats. I sit there awkwardly for a while and take some papers out my bag and pretend to read. After I while I peek up at him and he was totally leering down at me like a letch. I look right back at my papers and shit my pants a little. He shifts to the side and I feel his cottony soft shorts brush against my knee and I move my legs farther under the seat. After a few stops he finally got off and I watch him walk out and then I turn round to completely survey the wall behind me. No. Maps. Anywhere.


 Hey man, how about you get your plaid-patterned capris outta my space and go sit your ass down the other end of the car! I did not sign up for a train ride to Pervsville  today. I’m just glad I didn’t feel a little poke comin’ thru — on my leg.


 Well…he was kinda dreamy. Oh who am I kidding. I liked it. Every exhilarating     second. I’ve never felt so alive!  Outta the 3 other bitches on the train, he chose this  one. Eat it, haters! I felt totally flattered, and I’d totally hit that. If Lady Fortune smiles  on me, perhaps our paths shall cross again, and I sure as shit won’t let the dreamboat  sail without me second time around!


Boy, the New York dating scene is exciting.





2 thoughts on “Git Yur Dick Outta My Face, Pal

  1. there are so many things wrong w/this damn situation!
    1) the shorts
    2) the sexual harassment and male supremacy bullshit of this fool
    3) standing on a train thats full of seats
    4) women not able to have a safe and comfortable ride home – wells thats connected to #2.

    i’m glad your safe and played it smart.


  2. Wow…..some guys just have that charm that is so attractive, you know?

    But seriously how big a you? how big was he? these kind of guys get off on this kind of thing. Was there anyone else in the carriage?

    if no one on the carriage, act nonchalantly, then punch him in the crotch as hard as you can. Put your upper and lower boy into it. Since you are sitting and hes standing above you, you can think of it as an uppercut to the crotch. He’ll probably bend down a bit in pain. Grab his head and bring your knee into it. He’ ll either double back or fall on the ground. whatever he does, keep hitting him, aim for an Earcup with your open hands, or punch him in the face/nose. If he goes to ground, stomp on his head.
    Its important to get the punch to the crotch right, coz if he doesnt feel it youre in trouble. If that happens just stand up and head butt him in the face, quickly. Then keep hitting him. Dont stop until he is clearly unconscious, with blood coming out of his eyes/nose/mouth/ teeth knoced out/kicked out. Then start stomping on his crotch, until you feel tired. Trust me, it will be swollen the next day!

    If some other people on the carriage, when no ones looking, do the same thing, but once hes on the ground,stop. Just act crazy and scream “DON’T YOU EVER TOUCH ME!!. When security or police arrive say the he groped you and tried to put his hand down your pants, . You can cry too and say you feel violated. All the witnesses will support you, and you will be asked if you want to bring charges against him. Either way its a win-win situation for you.

    Hope that helped.


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