Hamachi

So I heard this expression for the first time this weekend:

Hamachi

hamachi / ha-ma-chee / noun.

1. Yellowtail fish, served raw as a form of Japanese sushi; over rice (nigiri) or in a  seaweed wrapped roll (maki).

2. Aesthetically pleasing Asian female (that chick is HAMACHI, hot yellowtail!).

It’s a pretty bad expression, and I’m surprised it took this long for me to hear it. I felt like I was being let into a secret White Society when I heard the dude say it… All I can say is, its witty, but there’s a thin line between comedy and racism.

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The Irish Pub Conspiracy

The Irish Pub where it went down

So I had an incident at an Irish Pub. But before I start this story, I should start by explaining my Irish Pub Conspiracy Theory. The Irish Pub was clearly created by White Guy in order to get inebriated and game on girls without the following two elements:

1. Possibility of dancing

1. People of color.

Why choose an Irish Pub rather than a bar or club with a DJ? You don’t go to an Irish Pub for the food (haggis? meat pie? boiled potatoes?). You don’t go to an Irish Pub for the music (a jukebox with CD’S (What is this, 2007?) You don’t go to an Irish Pub for the good drinks (beer is beer is beer everywhere). You go to avoid DANCING. And IF there is any dancing that suddenly breaks out, its ironic and meant to be a big joke for all. House of Pain starts blasting? Just jump up and down! Any Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg song starts bumpin? Throw up the “WestSyde” and bob your head! God forbid, Uncle Luke comes on? Start smacking your girl’s booty! MJ comes on? Well, you get the point… 

And why is there no people of color in these joints? No dancing? Bad music? Miller Lights? Boiled food? TV’s playing the Tennessee vs. Army football game? Girls (Gone Wild) screaming “Woo!! I’m so drunk!”. And Frat Boys yelling “I’m gonna rock out with my cock out!” (it RHYMES!). I dread every second and can’t wait until JOURNEY comes on the jukebox so everyone will just stumble home already. 

And for those of you patient enough to read this far, this was my exchange at the bar in an Irish Pub in the 10th largest city in America: 

Drunk White Guy: Heeeeyyyy

Me: Hey.

DWG: Dude, the Olympics, what’s up with that? (Mind you, the Closing Ceremonies had already occurred several days before)

Me: Huh? What?

DWG: What’s up with China? The ping pong? (Did he throw in a superfluous definite article in there cause he thought I was Chinese?)

Me: Pardon?

DWG: You KNOW. The Chinese chick? She’s CHINESE, played ping pong in CHINA and now she’s playing for the US. What’s up with THAAAATTT??!

Awkward Silence

Me: I haven’t been watching the Olympics.

I was so confused by the exchange, I didn’t spot the intent (It was then that I realized I was one of 2 Asian-Americans in the joint, out of 40-50 people). He just wanted to connect with a person of another race and share in the spirit of the Olympics. And isn’t that the point of the Olympics, building a bridge across the Pacific Ocean to connect Beijing to the U.S.? Lovely. 

If you’re interested in knowing what he was talking about: Gao Jun,
source: www.thepingpongguys.com

Gao Jun

Gao Jun

An Open Letter to Justin Long

"T" is for Tainted

Dearest Justin,

WTF?!?

I will admit I’ve had an irrational and long standing crush on you, back to when I first saw you as Warren Cheswick on Ed. Also I liked to watch all your Mac guy commercials over and over on Youtube. And, I Netflixed a lot of insufferable movies like “Herbie: Fully Loaded”, “Crossroads” and even “Raising Genius”. Such was the strength of my devotion to your roguish smile and bushy eyebrows.

However, your recent taste in partners is an increasing source of embarrassment, and it’s become harder and harder to maintain my admiration amidst all your poor choices.

First, it was this:

http://justjared.buzznet.com/2008/01/29/drew-barrymore-justin-long-red-carpet-love/ 

Then this!

http://dlisted.com/node/27935 

Ewwwwwwww. 

Justin – I beg of you – please don’t be such a dirty manho. First was that irritating sunflower child with the weird lips. I thought, maybe you are just going through some “fugly phase” to piss off your parents. But then along came ol’ snaggleteefs Kirsten. And right about now, you’re well on your way to blowin it by associating with that mop-headed anorexic cabbage patch doll. 

I don’t understand why you insist on cavorting with skanky blonde trollops. What do Drew and Kiki Drunkst have that I don’t? Maybe it’s their history of alcohol abuse and hard partying ways that have brainwashed you into thinking they can show you a good time. Well, I can’t say I’ve had the glamourous experience of going to rehab, but I do have many friends and family that can vouch for my drinking problem. And as for good times, I can take you to the best street food and buffets in town. Have you heard of a little place called Sizzler? 

Justin, you can do much better, and I have been quite vocal about my affection to any and all who will listen, so why do I get nothing in response? Why, bitch, why?! 

I know exactly where your new Lower East Side condo is, and don’t think I won’t stand out front with a spray bottle of bleach and Sani-Wipes until you come to your senses and are restored to your sparkling pre-whorish condition. 

I am a QUEEN dammit, deserving of a king free from spoiled starlet grime and assorted nastiness. Alls I can say is, you got some ‘splainin to do, and if you want to win back my respect you can start with dumpin some hoes, bathing in a tub of Lysol, and investing in a tongue-scraper. Then you may call me. Choose wisely, buck.

Sincerely,

Dr. Booga, Medicine Bitch 

Point Me the Way to Go Eff Yourself!

hankerin for a neckchop

hankerin for a neckchop

God, Rude! Some people. So i’m standing on mulberry and bayard talking on the phone. It’s the weekend so tourists are swarming like locusts. Very very obnoxious locusts. Some cargo-shorts tourist lady comes and stands right next to me and screams ADAAAAAAAM!!!! directly into my ear. She paces up and down the block, then gets in my face and barks: “Point me to Canal Street!!!” Now I’m clearly on the phone here. And this beeyotch clearly needs to learn some manners. Like, ask nicely, say please and don’t wear shorts like that because it hurts people’s eyeballs.  And just cuz you’re in Chinatown don’t mean you’re entitled to order everyone around. I give her a withering stare and point to the left and she marches off. I shoulda neckchopped her ass right then and there. Or at least pretend i didn’t speak english. But, well, sometimes i can be a pussy. And then i lie awake at night clenching my fists and gritting my teeth and thinking of all the badass things i should have said. Sigh.  So….um, yeah. That lady was wack.

best product of china ever…

i know we rant a lot here about the crazy and f#&%’ed up’ness that goes on out there- particularly, the 2008 beijing olympics, because we’re in the midst of it now. but today, i gotta rave about something…well, more like someone. He Chong. *sigh* last night, as the familia gathered round the tv to watch the throwback cuban with his tiiiight granny glasses hurdle his way into the finals, i also got a glimpse of what has to be the best ‘made in china’ product ever. not only did he kick ass in the men’s diving competition, but this PYT also has a deliciously hot body. everyone’s all hyped up about that butterface phelps because supposedly he’s “superhuman.” blah.  if you ask me, i’d take HE-man over super-ears anyday. so today, we salute you, He Chong, for your contribution to making the olympics a much prettier place.

Old White Dude Schools the Samurai

rrrrrumble!
rrrrrumble!

So I’ve been seeing a lot of promos lately for this new ABC family series “Samurai Girl”. Apparently it’s based on the popular series of young adult novels by Carrie Asai. From what I gathered from the previews, the plotline is basically this: Asian girl must learn the Way of the Samurai to avenge her murdered brother, and beseeches a strapping white “sensei” to teach her the ancient martial arts of her own damn people. Her evil yakuza family betrays her and she must prove that life as a samurai is just “WHO I AAAAAAAAM!!!” She’s obviously hot for teacher even though his fug ass looks like he’s pushing 40. OMG! Squeal! Are they gonna hook up? I would totally just die! The show has all the elements of a White Knight fantasy: Hot PYT Asian girl, lots of chopsocky n swordfights, interracial love conquests and of course – a white man out-Asian-ing the Asians. Oh save us, balding beefcake! Barf. Looks like the only fine Asian dude in the whole show is the brother, and well, he dead.  Oh and all Samurai Girl’s new American friends are white too. I wonder if casting reflects the book, or if this is just another case of Hollywood whitewash. Is Tom Cruise behind this? And can’t Asian folx be on TV without having to do karate or some shit? Bitches, please!