Archive for douchebag

Friday Fuckery: How to Date an Indonesian Woman

Posted in Barf Me Out, Bitch please!, Creeptastic, Douchebaggary, Friday Fuckery, Old white dudes with hawt young Asian chicks with tags , , , on February 10, 2012 by Cbruhs

I’m not even gonna waste my time going into the infinity +1 reasons why this “secret how-to” video is all sorts of NO. Just have a squirt bottle of milk handy for your eyeballs to help flush the burning images of the shmarmiest, greasiest, leering-est douchebag to ever gaze directly into a camera and make you feel dirtier than finding your grandma’s vibrator.

“It’s TOO EASY”…”Know HOW and where to take her.” GAAAGGKK! Those shades! That permagrin! I snickered at first but I’m for serious puking right now. I thought Australians hated Asians? Apparently not enough to not stand unnecessarily close to one and coo in a low, breathy voice about “enjoying the best Jakarta has to offer”. It makes my bowels churn to know this exists.

Thanks Lou!

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White People Do Not Like People That Wear Ed Hardy…

Posted in Bitch please!, Douchebaggary, fucktards, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on April 16, 2009 by aznheartthrob

But they still love wearing them some Ed Hardy… 

Let me start by saying, I love Stuff White People Like (we link to it from our Blog Roll list to the right).

Its got commentary on things we talk about all the time (#11 Asian Girls). And stuff that hits too damn close to home (#69 Mos Def and #91 San Francisco). But the latest one is about Ed Hardy. A topic we here at BcB love to throw around. Replacing the term “Douchebag” with “Ed Hardy wearing” is so easy to do, we’ve mentioned it in not 1, but 2 blog posts. But Lander’s blog entry, #124 Hating People Who Wear Ed Hardy, is sorta awkward. Its written in a way that implies Ed Hardy is an ethnic brand and that ALL white people hate it. Which frankly, isn’t true if you’ve ever been to Las Vegas or Miami or watched 90210/Dancing with the Stars/Rock of Love or “read” Victoria Secret.

Lander: ”White people hate these clothes unilaterally and it is advised that you merely accept that at face value… To put this in proper perspective, Ed Hardy is so hated by white people that it cannot be worn ironically.  This is no small feat.  As it stands, the only other entries in this category are Nazi Uniforms, Ku Klux Klan Robes, and self-tanner. “

Unilaterally? Really? I only hear that word during broadcasts of U.N. sessions, and even then its over-exaggerated. And Nazi uniforms worn ironically? Hmmm. I wished I could recall a situation where some “royally” famous white kid was wearing a Nazi uniform ironically…  

BUT the worst part is instead of using the millions of pics of white people rockin’ Ed Hardy from around the world (well, from Hollywood to South Beach, and every Hard Rock Cafe in between), Lander uses two Asian dudes who will surely regret their decision to pose for this pic, sexual gang signs and all… 

 

This is too easy, so I'm going to pass on writing a caption for now.

This is too easy, so I'm going to pass on writing a caption for now.

A special thanks to the good people at the Christina Audigier and Ed Hardy Stores in Union Square SF for letting BcB do firsthand research on this blog topic:

So Legolas and Chuck Norris walk into an Ed Hardy store...

So Legolas and Chuck Norris walk into an Ed Hardy store...

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Vice Magazine’s Do’s and Don’t: Asian Cutterz

Posted in Hipster Racism, Uncategorized, white ppl booshit with tags , , , , , , , , on March 27, 2009 by aznheartthrob
Pretty stock image of the shit Vice Magazine is all about.

Pretty stock image of the shit Vice Magazine is all about.

Yes, the magazine everyone loves to hate (or hates to love – you know who you are). Whether you like it or not, the Do’s and Don’t section is a helluva lot more fun to look at than any other magazines. If only for the fact that really gorgeous looking people wearing Ed Hardy or anything equally as douchey get blasted. Hot girl in Juicy Couture? DON’T. The SAME hot girl with a touring bike cap, purple wife beater, Thai army jacket, boy shorts, tattoo of Max Headroom, and ballerina flats? DO. But we all know Vice’s schtick. So I decided to gather up all the Asian ones from their online Do’s/Don’t list.

And what did I discover? It becomes apparent that the writers only post Asians when its one of the 3 following scenarios:

  1. Hot Asian girl. 
  2. Asian girl of any look, as long as she’s coked out and sweaty next to a white guy in an abandoned warehouse party.
  3. Asian dude who may or may not be recently Fresh Off the Boat or in some crazy, embarrassing situation. Or an ultra-uber-super hipster dude (see #19 for an “Asian dude rockin’ a marching band jacket” DO’S). But mostly losers getting a DON’T.

Hot Asian Girl - Asian Girl Sweaty with Random White Dude at Warehouse Party - Embarrassing Asian Dude

Please click through each category to get a link to the pic/caption. It won’t take you long to figure out that Vice writers are all mid-twenties, hipster-geek, Asian fetish having, small east coast liberal arts college alumni from New Haven/Palos Verdes with tons of family money wasted away on blow and PBRs in their Williamsburg/Echo Park studio apartment shared by 4, but only until they’re sick of NYC/LA and decide to take over their dad’s multi-million dollar ad agency. Basically, my dreamlife. Excuse me now as I drink this bottle of Dos Equis and use this rusty razorblade to cut my arms, parallel to the veins. 

  1. Hot Asian Girls: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23
  2. Asian Girls with White Douchebag(s): 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6
  3. Weird Asian Guys: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20

PS. The caption from Weird Asian Guys #17 made me cry into my Hello Kitty pillow.

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Dear Ed Hardy Guy.

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on November 4, 2008 by aznheartthrob

ed_hardy_11

 

Your shirt, the one with the snake and the heart and the dagger and the gun and the bedazzles and the eagle clutching a heart and a dagger and a star and a gun and wreath with all the leafs surrounding a skull. Your $100 shirt is whack. It was whack in ’04 when it was called Von Dutch: 

 

von_girls_500

 

and it will ALWAYS be whacked. Trust me, in 15 years, all the pics of you in “da clubs” of Miami, LA and Vegas will be long gone, thrown in the trash and you will forget it. Hopefully you’ll realize this before tattooing any of the logos on yourself.  

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Asian-Americans vs. AzNs

Posted in Douchebaggary, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 10, 2008 by aznheartthrob

This one will get me into some trouble I think. I’m going to be dissing my own people on this post, and its going to hurt many of my delusional friends. But maybe it’ll hurt first and then help eventually?

Just like Chris Rock and his infamous line which I dare not repeat here, there is a big difference between Asian-Americans and AzNs. If you know the difference, than you are more than likely the former. If you’re still reading this and contemplating whether you are the latter, guess what, you are. Here are a few handy tips to figure out if you are AzN:

  • If you dress better to go out at night on Fridays and Saturdays than you do Monday through Thursday in the daytime.
  • If you wear a blazer (minus the rest of the suit) more often than you wear a hoodie (and no, blazers with built-in hoodies DO NOT count. They automatically make you a douche, but not necessarily AzN). And you dig wearing striped shirts and boot cut jeans. 
  • If you have a background in finance, real estate or bio chem (and you’re not a doctor). Especially if you majored in any of those fields in college, but you took an Asian-American Studies or Ethnic Studies class in college looking for an easy ‘A’, but you got a “B+” instead.
  • If ALL your friends are light skinned Asians named Mike Kim, Jerry Nguyen, or Terry Chang.
  • On a scale of Honda Prius to Johnny Tran’s suped up Honda S2000, your car is making sounds dangerously close to illegal.
  • You get the Johnny Tran reference I just made.
  • When you hear the word “bike”, you automatically think of a motorcycle and not a bicycle. 
  • You have a Banana Republic, Bebe, or Armani Exchange credit card (or store credit) in your wallet right now. I’m not saying if you shop there you’re AzN, I’m just saying that if you shop there often enough to necessitate a credit card for points, you’re AzN.
  • You enjoy the “one word dance clubs” (Dragonbar, Dulce, LAX, Blvd) that I know the writers of this blog enjoy (Yea I said it! I saw you at Blvd and I’m sure there’s photographic evidence of it too!) Or better yet, the one syllable clubs (Hyde, Raw, Tao). And you like the aZn party promoters like Climax, VisionShock, or Set for Life.
  • Your initial gut reaction towards Ed Hardy clothing is not disgust.
  • You’re a fiscal Republican/social Democrat cause you like to party but you’d like to continue spending your parents money. 
  • Its 2008 and yOu sTiLl fReQuEnT aOl ChAt RoOmS aNd TyPe LiKe ThIs. nO oNe sTiLl TyPes LiKeS dO tHeY?
  • You are currently wearing a bluetooth headset while reading this post. 
  • You hate me right now. 

And if you still don’t know the difference between an Asian-American with an aZn, maybe a photograph will help. Photos are priceless.

 

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