And I Slowly Fall to My Knees: ABDC Canceled

Look what the evil MTV overlords hath wrought: the cancellation of the all-time most swagtastic reality show of ever (besides RuPaul’s Drag Race, duh): America’s Best Dance Crew! Nuhuhoooo!

It’s terrible, and it’s true. After 7 glorious seasons, BCB fave ABDC will light up our lives no longer. Along with mourning the loss of stereotype-busting, positively superfly Asian American representation on TV, I’m also shedding a nostalgic and grateful tear for the show that spotlighted so many of my future ex-husbands and fap fodder (notably Quest Crew’s Victor Kim and Ryan Feng, ya big smexy galoot).

We salute you, Jabbawockeez, Kaba Modern, Quest Crew, Poreotix, and all the other b-girls, b-boys, and APIA crazy leg shitkickers.

And I hate to admit it, but I’ll even miss Mario Lopez’s corny ass, with his singularly unique brand of teeth-grinding awkwardness combined with inappropriately tight jeans.

You will be missed but not forgotten, ABDC.

Thanks to Keith Chow!

ABDC 6 Champions: IaMmE

I’m almost a week late on catching the finale of ABDC 6 since I’ve been traveling in the South for work aka stuffing my face with biscuits n grits, but thanks to the miracle of online eps, I’m still able to indulge my ABDC obsession.

The finale was pretty spectacular, not only naming this year’s winning crew, but bringing back crews from previous seasons (and thus heavy APIA representation).

Poreotix demonstrated their trademark sense of humor with a “Friday” mashup of Rebecca Black/Jason. They seem to have gotten tighter as a group, maybe from all the practice they’ve had opening for Bieberella.

Season 4′s We Are Heroes danced to — appropriately — Beyonce’s “Run the World Girl”. Two members did back-handsprings in heels for like 27 minutes, then landed into the splits. My crotch both cringed and applauded.

Season 3 Champs and my future husbands Quest Crew performed a pillow fight in purple onesies, which was a mix of adorable and hot and made me feel weird about myself. SLUMBER PARTY!

Super Cr3w (Season 2) revived their ninja b-boy stance, and Jabbawockeez was more mind-blowing than ever, with the help of a mini-wockee:

Aiya, my ovaries explode.

While I think Phunk Phenomenon got robbed from a spot in the final two, I was glad that IaMmE was in the running against ICONic Boyz, and they ultimately took the title after performing to Far East Movement’s “Rocketeer”. Di “Moon” Zhang’s parents made good on their promise, and traveled all the way from China to see him perform for the first time (watch them cheering in the audience at the 2:31, 3:04, and 3:17 mark). And maybe I cried a little bit.

Congrats to Season 6 brainbangin’ Champs IaMmE!

ABDC 6: Roll Call!

So the second episode of ABDC Season 6 aired last week, and we’ve been introduced to all 10 competing crews. They represent locations from all over the world, performed new dance styles rarely seen on TV, and Randy Jackson looks trimmer than ever! That’s all well and good, but what I really care about is…HOW MANY ASIANS ARE THERE?!

The following is a rundown/racial profile of all the dancers I perceive as being of API descent on this year’s season, plus some random commentary thrown in for bitchy measure. And if I get any of it wrong, I’M SORRY — the streaming on my computer from MTV.com no work so good.

ReQuest: Flying across the globe from New Zealand, this “all-Poly” female crew has the 2010-2011 World Hip Hop Dance Championship under their lamé belts. The MTV website says they “are a melting pot of many cultures, including Japanese, Chinese, Hawaiian and Portuguese”…hm, what about Māori or Samoan members? Anyhoo, they describe their style as “Poly-Swag” and take inspiration from Haka, a traditional Māori dance.  Also, best haircuts.

IaMmE (it took me 7 minutes to type that): From Houston, this crew has one Asian American member – Di “Moon” Zhang, a certified “Brain-Banger”.

Weh-helll, Moon can “bang” my…I better stop.

Street Kingdom: Remember that movie Rize that had dancing clowns in it and got every suburban kid in America thinking he could rip his shirt off and just WILD OUT on a homie? Well these guys (or maybe just Ceasare “Tight Eyez” Willis)  invented it! (It’s called Krumping, and it’s totally a hit at happy hour, I’ll have you know). Joseph “Lil B-Dash” Duenas and Mark “Streetnoize” Santiago are reppin for the Pinoys, I’m guessing.

Next are are the groups from the Ke$ha Trashbag Challenge — and she delivered messages to the crews herself (did anyone else notice that Ke$ha’s talking voice also cracks like an overexcited pubescent boy?).

Jag6ed: OK, I dunno if I’m open-minded enough to consider pole-dancing a legitimate dance. I mean I know there’s a Pole Dance Magazine now and its growing as a sports competition, but c’mon — it’s hard to look cool wearing a bedazzled leotard from a pre-teen jazz showcase and no shoes. I know y’all are buff as hell but you’re not wearing any pants. Just look:

As Jag6ed said: “There’s definitely no stripping”. Well you ARE in boy shorts and sports bras to practice, so you’re pretty much already nekkid. But I get it, these ladies are damn strong and probably have the upper body strength of a cage fighter. Now, what was I talking about? Oh yes, Asians. There is Jessica Agdeppa. She would have a fruitful career being an American Apparel model.

ICONic Boyz: Ok, I know there’s no Asians in this crew, but HOLY CHRIST where’d these toddlers come from?! I do feel they have an unfair advantage since bones are not fully formed at this age so they can be extra flexible like Gumbys and shit.

I want to adopt them, especially that little porky meatball Thomas Miceli with the shaved eyebrow. They are like mini-Guidos and it’s making my maternal instincts squeeeaaaal. The whole ab reveal thing kinda freaked me out tho. 7-year-olds should not have man-abs, and I should not be looking at those abs.

787 Crew: Also not Asian, but damn, how come the PR crews on ABDC are always so tragic? G.O.P from Season 3 were all homeless or something and got eliminated first episode, and this time dude broke his leg before the first show and there were waterworks all around. But, they do rank high on my molestation meter. I’m looking at you, Daniel “Phantom” Alberto Babilonia Torres.

Instant Noodles: This season’s all-AZN crew, from Los Angeles by way of Taiwan!  Although their performance was a little underwhelming, they already sold me with my favorite move of all time: the hair-comb – during the opening number. They have sweet pastel ‘fits and I’m a fan of their “eating noodles” hand sign (although not their Asian tourist peace sign). And yes, I want to molest. Alas, Instant Noodles got torn apart by judge D-Trix (Quest Crew), so we’ll see if they have staying power or whether they’ll drown in their own cute overload.

That’s that! Oh, and as always — shut up, Mario Lopez.

Asians Can be Hip Hop Too!

Poreotix. I'm never going to remember how to spell that.

OH THE HATE! The AzNs are appropriating HIP HOP! All this dancing and poppin and lockin! Why they gotta be Asian folks? Where are all the Black folks?!? Shouldn’t Asians be doing kung fu and math homework!! Why don’t we listen to AfricanPridePrincess’s comment on the MTV.com website and have all the races in America start following our own stereotypes:

“i’ve about had it with all of these damn asians. Do they even know the origins of hip hop?”

As someone who grew up on Hip Hop, I am offended. My first maxi single was Chubb Rock’s Treat Em Right and my first CD was He’s the DJ, I’m the Rapper. So what did I do when P. Diddy asked the participants on Making the Band to memorize the lyrics to Rapper’s Delight (and fail). Cringe. So to claim Hip Hop as the province of one particular race is counter to the very idea of Hip Hop. Hip Hop was meant to empower a generation of folks that were marginalized and geographically isolated and had to express their emotions in one form or another. The outcome of all this expressionism was breaking, MCing, graffiti, and DJing, and no particular race, culture, or gender does any of these “better” than the other. Whether you’re Black, Asian, Latino, or White, as long as you got something to say, you are Hip Hop (sorry for the cliche). For every Common there’s an Eminem and MC Lyte and for every Grandmaster Flash there’s a Q-Bert and Mix Master Mike. And let’s not get started on Banksy, David Choe, or Futura. So to say we should have less Asian folks as breakers on MTV’s America’s Best Dance Crew is like saying every Jeopardy: College Edition should include 3 Asian contestants from Ivy League schools.

This is American in 2010. Our President is half Black, half White from Hawaii with a half Indonesian sister and a Chinese brother-in-law. Do you really need to reinforce stereotypes and set back the Civil Rights Movement back to the 40s?! And oh yea, the Rock Steady Crew has Asians on it now too (which is like having Asians in the Black Panthers. Wait, there were Asians in the Black Panthers?!)

Rock Steady in the 00's

So all I really gotta say is props to Poreotix for being the best crew so far on the best coast for dancers on this season’s ABDC. We live in a society where the Jabbawockeez and Fanny Pak’s of the country are made up of folks from every race, creed, and gender in the world. And its not that strange for an all Asian dance crew from Westminster, CA (pronounced Wet-Min-Ter) to make it on ABDC. Congrats.

ABDC Season 5: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

The Good: French-Canadian Vietnamese Thien-Linh “TL” Truong from Blueprint Cru.

TL is second from the left. duh.

The Bad: MTV misspelling TL’s name:

Not how you spell Thien-Linh Truong

And the Ugly: Legendary Seven’s Black Chinaman logo:

Only E-Knock can find a way to simultaneously offend two different races with one logo.

BCB Best of 2009!

In a shamelessly self-indulgent exercise, BCB picked our 10 personal fave posts (for each other) from the past year. Take a trip down memory lane with us, won’t you? From Tiger’s blasian wandering wang to everything you needed to know about snagging a Vietnamese guy — share a chuckle, shed a tear, and wonder how you ever pissed 2009 down the drain reading this crap.

– Every girl needs a guidebook on How to Date a Vietnamese Guy, right? Hello? Anyone? (#1 Tip to being with a Vietnamese Guy by Sherdizzle).

– Only a native Oaklander can really give tribute to the Town (Oakland… Always in my heart by Sherdizzle).

– TV shows can be like relationships – bringing  escapism, obsession, and dysfunction into our lives. Ne’er was there such a roller coaster ride of emotion as The Wire (An Open Love Letter to The Wire) by Sherdizzle

– Voted “Yes” on Prop 8?……FUCK YOU!  (F*&K YOU Prop h8′ers Supporters! by Sherdizzle).

– Don’t we all need more cliched, “culture-inspired” couture? (Straight Out of Zoolander 2: Da Nang Surplus Couture by AZNHeartthrob)

– Tiger Woods defends his cheatin’ ways and explains the mechanics of multiculturalism (Where the White Women At? by Tiger Woods channeled by AZN)

– The DOs (hot Asian chicks chaperoned by white hipsters) and DONT’s (Asian men in general) of life, according to Vice Magazine (Vice Magazine’s DOs and DONTs: Asian Cutterz by AZNHeartthrob)

– Because only a native Asian from Seatown can rectify any stereotypes of partying like an AzN in Seatown (Ragin’ Asians in Seattle by Cbruhs).

– Because we all shed a tear when the copters flew the Bushes back to Texas and the Obamas rolled walked into Washington, and Cbruhs was there live (inaugurawesome by Cbruhs)

– Deep down inside, doesn’t every girl want to be with an Asian hip hop dancer and every guy want to date a White girl be an Asian hip hop dancer? (Fieldtrip with Me, Victor Kim by Cbruhs)

YOU’RE WELCOME!

Have a bitchin’ 2010!

THIS JUST IN: Shane Sparks Arrested for Child Molestation

KTLA LOS ANGELES — Shane Sparks, a judge on the MTV show “America’s Best Dance Crew”, has been arrested for alleged child molestation.

Officials with the Los Angeles Police Department say they arrested Melvin Shane Sparks in North Hollywood around 8 a.m. Friday on a felony warrant charging him with molestation. The alleged molestation took place in 1994, according to a criminal complaint.

The 35-year-old Sparks, who was also a choreographer on “So You Think You Can Dance”, has been charged with 9 counts of molestation, including a lewd act upon a child, which is a felony.

Sparks is said to have been at least 10 years older than the victim.

Oral copulation is among the many lewd acts Sparks is accused of.

He is being held on $590,000 bail.

Earlier this year another choreographer from “So You Think You Can Dance” was arrested. Alex Da Silva was charged with rape.

America’s Best Dance Crew: Season 4

Someone once asked me what Bicoastal Bitchin blogged about mostly. My reply? Race, politics, and pop culture as it pertains to Asian Americans and all people of color. But its usually only about MTV’s America’s Best Dance Crew when a season is in progress:

The World Famous Faye Boogie from Super Cr3w

America’s Best Dance Crew Season 4 is almost back, first week of August to be exact. Which means another 6-8 weeks of office pools, angry bicoastal text messages between my BcB colleagues and YouTube video research on dance crews.

Faye Boogie

Faye Boogie

It also means I have an opportunity to write about Faye Boogie, BcB favorite and AzN’s friend from back when kids rocked Mickey Mouse caps, Cross Colour shirts, Request Jeans, and black Latino gangsta Reeboks at Chaboya Middle School. Faye’s been touring with ABDC Season 2 winners Super Cr3w for a while now. She’s been in their Pepsi commercials, print/video ads for Billionaire Mafia clothing, and their official website. She’s also officially part of a few other crews, including Full Force (which some members of Super Cr3w are a part of) and World Famous (who tried out for ABDC 3, but didn’t make it past the trials).

She also makes and sells jewelry (graduate of fashion school and quite fashionable herself). You can buy her stuff at etsy.com.

To see how dope she is, check out these videos, including her and her crew World Famous battling (and in my opinion, beating), ABDC Season 1 crew Fish N’ Chycks:

And Faye Boogie’s own video collection:

Britain’s Got No Taste

This is ALMOST as bad as when Kaba Modern lost to Status Quo in ABDC. But for those of you following the ascent of the lovely (voice of) Susan Boyle from her YouTube video, the 5th most downloaded clip on the site evah, then you know she’s been crazy big on the other side of The Pond. Which doesn’t explain how her performance didn’t win her the fans’ votes (although she did re-sing the Les Miserables song that got her ON the show: I Dreamed a Dream). But the worst part was a lame-ass hip hop dance crew called Diversity (I get it, its cute, they’re all diverse in race, gender, and age) won the whole show. These cats wouldn’t even be good enough for first round eliminations on ABDC! Come on! Watch Planet B-Boy Great Britain and then tell me why you voted for the poor man’s Status Quo.