Here’s One Way to Win Ben Stein’s Money

bensteinWell, this be bizarre. And random. Also, ick nast. Who knew Ben Stein had such a thing for goldiggin’ “Eurasian” pregnant performance artists? Who wanted to know? Who wants to un-know it? *raises both hands*

Apparently Ben Stein first met 24yo former escort Tanya Ma at SFO, and they struck up a borderline (for those with zero boundaries) creepo relationship that started with texts, then some Snapchat-type content (y’all know what I’m talking about), progressed to Tonya asking for some monies to support her baby-to-be…and then quickly went south (shocker) after they agreed to meet in a hotel *but* Stein revealed he wanted to do gross old man stuff to her like hug and kiss her preggo body-ody-ody. LINE. CROSSED. In his defense, quoth Ben: “When is it wrong to hug people?” …..?…??…..

If you are a dirty masochist or a goldigger-in-training or now an even bigger Ben Stein fan (for shame), you can read more sordid details here.

I just know I’ll never be able to hear the words “Bueller….Bueller?” in the same way again…

Via Page Six & Dlisted

Buckwheat Groats: “Swag Like a Douchebag Racist”

I’ve never heard of these assclowns “Buckwheat Groats” — but their video “Swag Like An Asian” definitely takes the cake for most racist, misogynistic, douchebagtastic, Yelloxploitation brick of turd I’ve seen in a hot minute. All in one fell swoop.

I can’t even watch this more than once because the lyrics and images make me wanna choke their fugly mugs with their own fur coats and rip the chunky one’s face pubes out with my bare hands and feed it to him. From the “Asian bitches” sucking on his diamond dick chain, to lines like: “put some nuts on your girl that’s my kung pao chickenhead”, there’s just so much to rage at.

No thanks white boys, y’all ain’t cute and you can keep your back-handed, fetishistic Asian “tribute”. And sorry, but a laundry list of pan-Asian stereotypes does not a good rap video make. The ability to wrap your ignant minds around that is some #SWAG you’ll never have.

And we’ve said it before and we’ll say again: HIPSTER RACISM IS STILL RACISM!!!

via Angry Asian Man

Friday Fuckery: How to Date an Indonesian Woman

I’m not even gonna waste my time going into the infinity +1 reasons why this “secret how-to” video is all sorts of NO. Just have a squirt bottle of milk handy for your eyeballs to help flush the burning images of the shmarmiest, greasiest, leering-est douchebag to ever gaze directly into a camera and make you feel dirtier than finding your grandma’s vibrator.

“It’s TOO EASY”…”Know HOW and where to take her.” GAAAGGKK! Those shades! That permagrin! I snickered at first but I’m for serious puking right now. I thought Australians hated Asians? Apparently not enough to not stand unnecessarily close to one and coo in a low, breathy voice about “enjoying the best Jakarta has to offer”. It makes my bowels churn to know this exists.

Thanks Lou!

Friday Fuckery: Shit White Guys Say to Asian Girls

You know it was only a matter of time. And luckily, this video is done very well. And how do we judge that? Because this shit is true — and because it’s true, it’s funny. And a little sad. But you know…laugh to keep from cryin’ and all that jazz!

Real talk. Cheers to you, Cindy Fang of Grumpy Panda!

Now someone should step up and do a “Shit White Guys Say…to Asian Guys”. Or “Shit Asian Girls Say…to Asian Guys”. Even more real talk!

Friday Fuckery: Brenda Song + Trace Cyrus Gettin Marrieds

Today’s Friday Fuckery is brought to you by the decision of these two to take the first step in the magical journey towards divorce: actress Brenda Song (Disney’s The Suite Life of Zack & Cody and the role of psycho Asian tramp in The Social Network) and Trace Cyrus (brother of Miley, “musician”, high school dropout, and exemplar of poor decision-making).

Again, there is just no excuse for that breastplate. Maybe if you're an extra in a "Dances With Wolves" remake. Still, though.


That is all.

Friday Fuckery: I’m Wendi Deng, Trick!

By now you’ve seen the Wendi Deng pimp-slap that defended her bewildered, old-ass husband Rupert Murdoch from a shaving cream pie prankster. ‘Twas the smack heard round the world, and it’s spawned a gaggle of spoofs and tributes, including this delightful number from Grumpy Panda Films.

YO PUNK AZZ JUST GOT GOT!  Total booty-shakin’ material.  I expect to hear this up in the clubs by the weekend.

Thanks Lanlian!

Friday Fuckery: Weiner, You Fool

By now you’ve likely heard about US Representative Anthony Weiner’s twitpic trysts with six different women, both before and during his marriage. And you’ve probably seen Weiner’s weiner, which just might become the biggest internet meme since Pedobear. Not smart, Weiner. Did Brett Favre teach you nothing? Never leave a public record!

But the thing that really puts the “dickhead” in Weiner, needless to say, is that he went astray on his wife of less than a year. And yes, the qualities of the cheated-upon are irrelevant at the end of the day…but DAYUM. Weiner had the AUDACITY to step out on the goddess Huma Abedin (now pregnant with his child). A longtime aide and traveling chief of staff of Hillary Clinton, Abedin is obviously gifted and accomplished. And stunningly beautiful:

As in Freida Pinto/Halle Berry/Rosario Dawson supermodel-level gorgeous. And next to her, Wiener looks like a craggly brown paper bag of salamander jerky. Consider:

Ewwww. How Abedin could want to chew on a face like that is beyond me. Why did Weiner feel the need to send pics of his pecker to other women? (can someone please me tell why straight guys do this? Are there any women out there that find this appealing?) Was he feeling insecure in comparison to his obviously hotter wife? Whatever the reason — you blew it Weiner, and count your lucky balls that this woman who is light years out of your league has decided not to dump your ass (for now).  Stupid, stupid, wanker.

Friday Fuckery: The Hangover Part II Review

I caught The Hangover Part II this past weekend, and as to be expected from any bro-code comedy set in Bangkok, it’s chock full o’ delightful Asian-related wit and wisdom.

Child prostitution joke? Check. Thai ladyboy hookers? It went there. THERE. As in, you see errrrryything. And there’s a healthy dose of  nekkid ass nekkid shots of Thai strippers in the ending credits, to make sure you get your $11 bucks worth of exotic muffs ‘n’ weiners ‘n’ such (including the fabled ping-pong ball trick).

And Mr. Chow (Ken Jeong) is back with a vengeance — his opening scene consists of full frontal nudity showcasing his nubbin, which the bros had mistaken for some sort of worm.

What also put a burr in my ass was the role of Stu’s (Ed Helms) fiancee Lauren (Jamie Chung), who stood around like a pretty young thing, alternately keeping her head down and her mouth shut in the presence of her father or gazing with unconditional adoration at Stu, who she outranks 10:1 on the hotness meter. And even though Stu has a pesky penchant for hooking up with strippers — she’s cool with that, because that’s what real love is! Apparently these spiritless, ornamental  qualities qualify Lauren as an “angel” in the eyes of the bros, with a “solid rack for an Asian”. Pure romance.

Another bland plot device was Lauren’s overachieving (but attractive!) brother Teddy (Mason Lee), who is missing for most of the movie. When he does get some screen time, he is humbly putting up with the antics and abuse of the bros, which eventually lead to a missing finger. But he’s cool with that, because the wolfpack showed him how breaking out of his model minority cage to become shitfaced and free of spirit is so worth it.

Oh and Lauren’s dad is presented as an overbearing asshole who dotes on his only son because he goes to Stanford and plays the cello. Too bad about that chopped off finger.

But most of all, Hangover II just wasn’t  funny. Running almost two hours long, there was lots of random boring dialogue that struggled to revive the heyday of the first movie and convince the viewer what a hoot we’re all having. Remember that one time in Vegas and all those crazy things that happened at the last bachelor party? This is totally just like that! What a wild bunch of dudes these are, right? And you get to be in on it! Fun times, right? Right Bros??

Sorry, I probably would have had a better time at Kung Fu Panda 2.

Terry Richardson & Dov Charney: Perverts in Crime

Pervert alert! Well, said alert is not really breaking news…but recently several models – including supermodel Rie Rasmusson and Jamie Peck — have come forward with frank and graphic allegations of sexual harassment against fashion photographer Terry Richardson (arguably the godfather of the VICEAMERICANAPPARELIRONICFACIALHAIR hipster ideology, along with fellow old letch Dov Charney, who I’m including in this post because they’re so similar they’re often confused with each other) .

Fake ad, real quote (thanks Lxy)

More from Jezebel:

Jamie Peck, who was 19 at the time, shot with Richardson at his studio twice. Although she was prepared and willing to pose for him nude, she writes, “This man has built his business/pleasure empire on breaking the cardinal rule of asking a young girl you don’t know to come over to your house and hang out naked: don’t be a fucking creep.”

Before I could say “whoa, whoa, whoa!” dude was wearing only his tattoos and waggling the biggest dick I’d ever seen dangerously close to my unclothed person (granted, I hadn’t seen very many yet). “Why don’t you take some pictures of me?” he asked. Um, sure.

It gets worse. “I’m not sure how he maneuvered me over to the couch, but at some point he strongly suggested I touch his terrifying penis,” writes Peck.

This is where I zoom out on the situation. I can remember doing this stuff, but even at the time, it was sort of like watching someone else do it, someone who couldn’t possibly be me because I would never touch a creepy photographer’s penis. The only explanation I can come up with is that he was so darn friendly and happy about it all, and his assistants were so stoked on it as well, that I didn’t want to be the killjoy in the room. My new fake friends would’ve been bummed if I’d said no.

I must have said something about finals, because he told me, “if you make me come, you get an A.” So I did! Pretty fast, I might add. All over my left hand. His assistant handed me a towel.

While Richardson’s reputation has since been no secret (he’s been quoted as saying: “It’s not who you know, it’s who you blow. I don’t have a hole in my jeans for nothing“), his fame and influence with magazines like Vogue and designers like Miu Miu make it difficult for young models trying to establish their careers to come out against him publicly.

I’ve also seen this skeezebag many a time walking his dog in the Soho and Bowery area (he lives on Lafayette between Broome and Grand, my roommate informs me), blatantly scoping out any and every young female passerby.

OK, Richardson’s conduct and Charney’s opinions on women are pretty vile, but so what? How does this affect us as Asian Americans (and women)? Welp, aside from this behavior being despicable in itself, unfortunately it’s not contained to photo shoots or the models they “work” with.

Every American Apparel billboard and soft-porny ad on the back of VICE showcasing a jailbaitish Asian girl with legs splayed open (which seems to be the flavor du jour) is a reflection of their pervert penchants and the huge influence they’ve had on fashion and marketing. Which — whether you like it or not —  sends the message that yellow and brown women are interchangeable sexdolls here to fulfill whiteboy hipster fantasies. We don’t just sell the product, we are the product.  That’s the message I get when I look at this, and when I look at Asian chicks strutting around Williamsburg wearing the same outfits in the ads.

Our images are not controlled by us, but by some old scumbags – including one who’s M.O. is to waggle his dick in your face and impose an HJ before having you pose nude to sell hipster merchandise. And a whole generation of douchebag yippes think this shit is cool and edgy, and this excellent portrayal of women of color goes on and on and on.

More on the Richardson allegations at Jezebel, where contributor Jenna Sauers (a former model) is fed up and offering to post accounts from anyone who’s had a similar experience.

Friday Fuckery: Hookup FAIL

This is why I quit going to gay clubs (as much):

From the Re-Bar's monthly "Cornell Grads of '84 and Onch Impersonators Mixer"

From the Re-Bar's monthly "Cornell Grads of '84 and Onch Impersonators Mixer"

This kinda shit makes me feel like my corneas and my peoples have been severely violated.  Back in the 206, when I would habitually frequent (shaddup) the classy ol’ R Place, ManRay (RIP), Neighbours, or Blu Video Bar with my sexay posse CharChar, Pabs, or MK in tow, WITHOUT FUCKING FAIL they would get followed around doggedly by sweaty/fat/oldass/ Creepy McLetcherson rice queens. You think Asian fetishism and accompanying power imbalance is a problem with white male breeders, multiply that agazillionfold in some gay circles. Thank jeebus for my sticky rice bois (holla!) who know a real hot piece is a confident AZN man without internalized racism issues, and not some 40-year-old insurance salesman with a wife and 3 kids, an extensive collection of Japanese porn, and a subscription to Noodle Magazine.