Blood Bath! Steven Ho Gets Gruesome on Conan

stevenbloodbath

Happy World Goth Day to all us dark-souled, black-hearted ghouls & gremlins! FOREVER ALLOOOOONNNE!!!

Keeping WGD in mind, it was good timing and tangentially relevant that BCB’s ol’ pally Steven Ho — despite having his arms full with real Asian baby twins (alas, Conan’s fake Asian Baby got raffled off on YouTube)  — walloped Conan with another action-packed plus BLOOD-DRENCHED appearance a couple days ago….and it literally GUSHED with gory goodness (sorry)!

If I had a quarter for every time someone said to me, “So, I’m gonna stick my sword inside you”….. I would have 50 cents. ANYHOO I learned a lot about how Hollywood works from watching these segments, including THIS awesome “dummy-soft-shoe-hand-punch-kick-to-the-face” trick (just watch, it will all make sense) and how they will serve you fake movie blood in a nice shot glass (FYI don’t swallow). Classy shit! Side note: WHO is that hawt stunt piece with the axe & the earring?? (good band name). Yowza. Talk about gettin that blood pumping.

As always, Steven Ho kills it…and You Will Know Him By the Trail of Dead left in his grisly wake…Good Stuff! Great Fun! Uh, I mean….the victims have been bled…strewn with time’s dead flowers…bereft in deathly bloom

Thanks Steven!

 

America’s Porn Searches by Fetish, by State, and by Duration

I’m a big fan of infographics and this one may be the most fascinating one yet. Now we know what people are searching for on Pornhub (I’d probably say its THE most popular site for free, and paid, porn on the web) — and it’s aggregated BY STATE!

Now we know which states are into the most deviant shit (I’m looking at you Colorado, Kansas, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Tennessee, West Virginia; AKA the “Cream Pie” Belt), the most strangest stuff (“Anita Queen” is what-now, Nevada?), the most puzzling (Kentucky and “hentai”? Really?), the most indecisive (I’m looking at you “compilation” lovers), the most “Ebony”-loving Southern states (Yay Civil Rights(?)) and the most inexplicable (Mississippians’ site visit durations last the longest AND they’re most  into “teen” porn? That just seems wrong). Take a look at the map and go deeper (pun intended) into the statistical analysis (pun intended) here. The following is further commentary from AzN and Cbruhs in case you wanted to know what we think of “smoking”, “creampies” and the “ebony” loving south.

pornhub

Cbruhs: Hahaha “Asian” in Washington and California! “Hentai” in Kentucky LOLZ. And WTF is “Anita Queen”?

AzN: We are PROUD to be from Washington and California…I guess? Californians are into: “Asian”, “Teen”, “Massage”? Putting them all together is really really wrong tho. And I have no idea what “Anita Queen” is. I’m afraid to google it. Maybe it means “I need a QUEEN?”

Cbruhs: Just googlied it. I guess its a person?

AzN: Remind me never to visit any of the “compilation” or “creampie” states ever again. There must be a reason why they are also my least favorite states. And now I know why.

Cbruhs: WTH is “compilation”?

AzN: I don’t know. But if I were to guess, it’s a “compilation” of one thing that’s snippets from several scenes… For the quantity over quality types. (editor’s note: I totally know what “compilation” means)

Cbruhs: I just googled “cream pie” and it was not what I thought it was and I also threw up in my mouth then cried a little.

AzN: That’s just how you make babies! Or so I read on WebMD.

Cbruhs: Interesting that Utah has no data on this map. I heard that they’re the state that watches the most porn (Mormons). Also, Wyoming is into “smoking”? I don’t even wanna know. Dare we google it? Also, there are a LOT of “cream pie” states. I’m pretty terrified.

AzN: Maybe people are searching for “smoking” cause they don’t know what it is. (editor’s note: I totally know what this means too).

Cbruhs: Gawd, “Cream pie” must be the biggest euphemism ever.

AzN: It’s pretty literal dude. Its kinda a sick word now that I think about it. “CREAM PIE”.

Cbruhs: NO! IT’S NOT LITERAL! It is NOT a yummy treat! So…”smoking” is just people smoking while doing it? Wow, Wyoming is pretty tame compared to its neighbors.

AzN: It’s probably the worst porn on that list.

Cbruhs: I guess that depends on one’s definition of “worst”.  And smoking while doing it just sounds dangerous. ¡PERO CUIDADO! Don’t burn the house down!

AzN: Why is South Dakota the only state into “POV” (point of view) porn? Is it cause their daily lives are boring so they need to watch porn through someone else’s eyes?

Cbruhs: …

AzN: And Alabama, Georgia, and Louisiana are the only states into “ebony” porn? I would connect this to the 50th anniversary of the “I Have a Dream” speech somehow, but I don’t want to go to hell.

Cbruhs: You’ve crossed the line.

Okay, Chris Brown: “Fine China”

So “Fine China” — the new single by Chris “Forever (Flared Nostrils)” Brown — dropped last week. Which apparently, involves him stealing off with a triad boss’s daughter and gallivanting through the underworlds of Chinatown — rather than delicately sipping Lipton while getting hollered at by Mo’Nique on VH1′s Charm School, as I had hoped.

Because being romantically involved with an Asian girl always entails breaking her shackles of Asian male oppression, Chris the Fist also beats up an entire tong of Asian dudes. Just watch:

Uh, okay gurl. And what in Mongolian Izaac Mizrahi for Target hell is Ling (?!?) wearing? Is she really getting in the car with him? Best wear some shoes you can run in, girl.

The Difficult Brown can dress like a twink ventriloquist newsie all he wants, but “it’s alright, I’m not dangerous” is just not convincing me. And I’m normally a big fan of dance-fighting, but we’re supposed to believe a gold bowtie-wearing agitated beaver can whoop a whole Chinatown gang without even using his teeth?

The only redeeming quality about this video is Ling’s poopface at the 0:32 mark. That really says it all.

UPDATE: OK, I lied. The other redeeming quality about this video is the Octopus move at the 3:47 mark. I’m obsessed with it and have been consistently practicing in front of the mirror and loved ones since this posting, so I can bust it out at the club this weekend with my cousins (see you at Tia Lou’s!).

ALSO, the song has annoyingly been stuck in my head for days, and I’m gonna blame that on the blatant MJ rip-offs. It’s like they just took ‘Billie Jean’, threw it into a derivative remix app for iPhone — and donezo.

 

Steven Ho Back on Conan Tomorrow!

Our fave stuntman/martial artist/hi-end furniture store owner/NEW DAD Steven Ho is back, and as usual, busting Conan O’Brien’s balls. If there is unfinished bidnid that needs finishin’, Steven Ho will be the one to uh, FINISH IT!!! Just look at the fear in Conan’s eyeballs!

Don’t miss what is sure to be a delightful evening of whoop ass.

Thanks Steven and Congrats!

Friday Fuckery: James Leland Dolan

You Guys!! Did you know that James Dolan, the Exec Chairman of Madison Square Garden, Inc., owner of the NY Knicks, and gifted music man, has a long and storied history — especially when it comes to profiting off of working with talented Chinese Americans — that stretches all the way back to his great-great grandfather James Leland Dolan? And you guessed it — it involves the The Transcontinental Railroad!

Yessiree, read all about ye olden times, when “Knickerbockers” was part of common lexicon and harpsichord was the instrument of favor. Plus, being illiterate with pyro tendencies didn’t necessarily prevent one from becoming filthy rich. Confused? Yo, son — get your history lesson!

Thank Groban that esteemed scholar and historian Terry K. Park was able to delve into the dusty annals of US history and recover this little known, yet influential tycoon.

Thanks TKP!

Friday Fuckery: Obama Booty Grab

While on a West coast fundraising tour, President Obama swung by unannounced to the Great Eastern Restaurant yesterday in San Francisco’s Chinatown to nab some takeout.

What ensued was a gaggle of ecstatic customers, a lot of handshaking, and a few old Chinese ladies partaking in a fistful of Presidential rumpus:

The expressions of the guy in the tan shirt and the Secret Service agent are the next best things about this photo.

Susan Walsh, Associated Press

That’s right, Chinese matrons appreciate a good ol’ rear squeeze as much as the next law-abiding, Buddha-revering civilian. But they have the cahones to do it brazenly in front of Secret Service, the American press, and their grandkids. And repeatedly:

Nothing woos a Prez like a flossin' COOGI sweater

Saul Loeb, AFP/Getty Images

Some onlookers will claim that such sweet seniors are virtuously bereft of all bawdy intent (or just short), but I say: THEY KNOW WHAT’S UP. If anyone is hip to using physical and social stature to honey badger through life — whither cutting in line at the bakery, running you over with a laundry cart, or taking the liberty to cop a patriotic feel, it’s your gangsta ass Ee Ma and Pau Pau. You know they’re gonna be bragging about their Mack Meemaw skills at the mah-jong table til next Lunar New Year.

Get some, golden gurls! I can’t wait til I’m an old Chinese lady and I can just grope with abandon, up to the very highest echelons of the American political system. Thus is the beauty and true meaning of democracy.

Cheers to Obama and the Granny Grab!

Thanks Sherilyn! – This seriously made my year.

source (and more heartwarming pics!): San Francisco Chronicle

Friday Fuckery: Mitt’s Office

Here’s yet another reason why I want to wifey up boyish, bushy-browed Justin Long:

Hilarious, foxy, AND lending his talents to a progressive political organization? This is why I keep hoping that “Long” is really an Asian name.

Thanks Sherilyn!