Archive for the Douchebaggary Category

Okay, Chris Brown: “Fine China”

Posted in All Class, AUDACITY, Barf Me Out, booshit, DANGER!, Douchebaggary, Hilarity with tags , , , , on April 8, 2013 by Cbruhs

So “Fine China” — the new single by Chris “Forever (Flared Nostrils)” Brown — dropped last week. Which apparently, involves him stealing off with a triad boss’s daughter and gallivanting through the underworlds of Chinatown — rather than delicately sipping Lipton while getting hollered at by Mo’Nique on VH1′s Charm School, as I had hoped.

Because being romantically involved with an Asian girl always entails breaking her shackles of Asian male oppression, Chris the Fist also beats up an entire tong of Asian dudes. Just watch:

Uh, okay gurl. And what in Mongolian Izaac Mizrahi for Target hell is Ling (?!?) wearing? Is she really getting in the car with him? Best wear some shoes you can run in, girl.

The Difficult Brown can dress like a twink ventriloquist newsie all he wants, but “it’s alright, I’m not dangerous” is just not convincing me. And I’m normally a big fan of dance-fighting, but we’re supposed to believe a gold bowtie-wearing agitated beaver can whoop a whole Chinatown gang without even using his teeth?

The only redeeming quality about this video is Ling’s poopface at the 0:32 mark. That really says it all.

UPDATE: OK, I lied. The other redeeming quality about this video is the Octopus move at the 3:47 mark. I’m obsessed with it and have been consistently practicing in front of the mirror and loved ones since this posting, so I can bust it out at the club this weekend with my cousins (see you at Tia Lou’s!).

ALSO, the song has annoyingly been stuck in my head for days, and I’m gonna blame that on the blatant MJ rip-offs. It’s like they just took ‘Billie Jean’, threw it into a derivative remix app for iPhone — and donezo.

 

Buckwheat Groats: “Swag Like a Douchebag Racist”

Posted in Appropriation, AUDACITY, Douchebaggary, fucktards, Hipster Racism, Old white dudes with hawt young Asian chicks, white ppl booshit with tags , , on February 8, 2013 by Cbruhs

I’ve never heard of these assclowns “Buckwheat Groats” — but their video “Swag Like An Asian” definitely takes the cake for most racist, misogynistic, douchebagtastic, Yelloxploitation brick of turd I’ve seen in a hot minute. All in one fell swoop.

I can’t even watch this more than once because the lyrics and images make me wanna choke their fugly mugs with their own fur coats and rip the chunky one’s face pubes out with my bare hands and feed it to him. From the “Asian bitches” sucking on his diamond dick chain, to lines like: “put some nuts on your girl that’s my kung pao chickenhead”, there’s just so much to rage at.

No thanks white boys, y’all ain’t cute and you can keep your back-handed, fetishistic Asian “tribute”. And sorry, but a laundry list of pan-Asian stereotypes does not a good rap video make. The ability to wrap your ignant minds around that is some #SWAG you’ll never have.

And we’ve said it before and we’ll say again: HIPSTER RACISM IS STILL RACISM!!!

via Angry Asian Man

Worst Movie of Ever?

Posted in All Class, AUDACITY, Douchebaggary, Hipster Racism, white ppl booshit, WTF?! with tags , , , , , , , , on January 16, 2013 by Cbruhs

We at BCB think that racism can be hilarious, when it’s done right (see: W. Kamau Bell, Dave Chappelle, Hari Kondabolu, Negin Farsad, Stephen Colbert, Richard Pryor etc). But racism (and other -isms) just for racism’s sake — or its smug cousin, Hipster Racism — is just tired and lazy and ugly. And Buddha don’t like ugly. So she certainly would not care for this:

Seriously, was this written by a 9-year-old raised by Westboro Baptist and Jeff Dunham? What kind of drugs did they put in Sad Dachshund’s kibble to get him to go from an Academy Award to this? Is it weird to be equally offended and depressed that they topped it all off with an obnoxious cover of the Ramones?

Let’s organize a movement to ship Rob Schneider to some remote island where he can no longer be a threat to himself or anybody else with a shred of ethnic dignity. You go straight to hell, Schneider.

via Angry Asian Man

Friday Fuckery: Chinatown “Gambling Raid”

Posted in All Class, AUDACITY, Blame China!, booshit, Douchebaggary, Friday Fuckery, fucktards, Racism Round-Up, WTF?! with tags , , , , , , on July 6, 2012 by Cbruhs

photo by Michael Appleton for the NYT

The illustrious NYPD, in partnership with the equally humanitarian Immigration & Customs Enforcement (ICE), recently raided a building in East Chinatown — which houses many hometown associations, shops, and even medicinal practitioners — in what they called a “crackdown on a hive of criminality”. Read the rather ridiculous details here.

Although they claim that the cash confiscated is proof that the laborers and retired workers mainly from Fujian province are linked to a Chinese criminal gang and part of “one of the largest illegal gambling operations uncovered in New York City’s recent history”, maybe these folks just like some down time between grueling jobs to play some social low-stakes games of mah jong, cards, and pool. Y’know, like Christmas at yo auntie’s house.

Some real shady, hardcore criminal activity right here. That Pau Pau is just LOADED with nickels.

In addition to confiscating mah jong tables, the authorities took a few thousand dollars from a safe and off of folks playing in one hometown association’s small office. They reason that cash found in this raid, along with similar raids, just goes to show that that illegal gambling is goin’ down. But among a population of immigrants who are often unbanked, get paid in cash, and may operate mutual assistance-type lending circles for those down on their luck, you’re not going to find a lot of checks and platinum cards. Which means that some of these folks may have just been carrying their day’s wages on them, which then got snatched up by the authorities as evidence of their criminality.

Authorities also raided the building because of “illegal medical care:”

In the recent raid, officials arrested two men in an office behind an unmarked door on the fourth floor. The men, Qiu Jiaxi, 67, and his son, Qiu Lu Hui, 38, were “examining and treating patients by injecting them with unknown substances and giving them a variety of unidentified pills,” the New York attorney general, Eric T. Schneiderman, said in a statement. They “lured unsuspecting patients into their office and put their greed before the health and safety of their victims.

Why does this read like a pulpy fiction from the ’40s featuring a jaundiced Chinaman with long queue and fingernails on the cover? THEY’RE COMING AFTER YOUR WHITE WOMEN NEXT!!

“The Qius were charged with unauthorized practice of a profession, a felony, and face up to four years in prison...but he said that he had studied acupuncture and Chinese traditional medicine in China and in New Jersey, and that his father had been trained in China. Both, he said, had excellent reputations in the New York diaspora as well as in Fujian Province…“Coming to see us is the only option for them,” he said. The Qius stopped practicing after their arrests but returned to their office. During the interview, a stream of patients stopped by, but the Qius apologized and turned them away.”

It’s called fucking Chinese medicine, dipshits! Folk remedies, homeopathy, alternative medicine…whatever you want to call it. While it may not be offered at Beth Israel, hippy white people pay a lot of money to study it in naturopathic school, so just chill out let these poor people without health insurance get the type of care they’ve consented to and have probably been familiar with their whole lives.

Unfortunately, federal officials are continuing to investigate these “gangs”, and the US attorney in Manhattan has sued for forfeiture of the building. While the leaseholder doesn’t believe there was any wrongdoing in the building, he still plans to clear out the hometown associations because of all the attention they’ve received from the authorities.

I wouldn’t be surprised if this is all a front to kick residents out and take over the building to build condos in what is fast becoming highly sought-after real estate. I can’t believe in this day and age, and in a city that prides itself on being the most diverse in the nation, stretched taxpayer dollars are going towards harassing old immigrants playing mahjong, confiscating their meager wages, and denying limited English speakers their traditional medicinal practices. You don’t see NYPD and ICE swooping in on old Jewish ladies in Forest Hills playing American Mahjong, or busting in on Wall Street types playing cards and betting on fantasy football in cigar rooms.

The NYT article is tepidly, diplomatically titled: “Chinatown Gambling Raid May Reveal Cultural Divide”. No shit. How about: “Dick Moves All Around, With Racial Fuckery At Its Finest”.

via NYT

Friday Fuckery: Hipster Racism & Lucky 8′s China House

Posted in Appropriation, AUDACITY, Douchebaggary, Friday Fuckery, Hipster Racism, white ppl booshit with tags , , , , , on May 18, 2012 by Cbruhs

Hipster Racism seems to be getting a lot of attention lately — from Lindy West’s excellent Jezebel article to Kyria Abraham’s exasperating, self-serving response, to this very recent example of Orientalist food truck foolery.

We here at BCB are well aware of this epidemic (we created a “Hipster Racism” category for the blog in 2009) and are pretty happy about the general increase in dialogue about it.

So for this Friday’s Fuckery, we present yet another culprit: Lucky 8′s China House (seriously), a new chic restaurant in Seattle’s Capitol Hill area, owned by Bracey Rogers and his wife Marcy Akiyama.

CBruhs met some friends at this joint a few weeks ago, and was swiftly irritated by its overpriced cooptation of ethnic food, lack of any (visible, maybe they were in the back washing dishes) Asian staff, and in particular, an ironically mustachioed server named “Tiger” who announced in rather dramatic fashion that he was about to make a bike delivery (for examples of why this is problematic, contrast this with the unglamorous, dangerous, and sometimes fatal reality of real Chinese delivery men).

Last night, BCB friend Louie Gong went to Lucky 8′s China House and was similarly not impressed by the stereotypical decor: kung fu movies, a gong, a giant to-go box, and drinks like “Phists of Phooey” (you just don’t fuck with a Bruce Lee movie). Basically what he describes as “a cartoon version of Asian culture…like they turned an Asian-themed slot machine into a restaurant.”

After Louie paid, Tiger apparently noticed his last name on the credit card. As Louie was walking out, he heard behind him: “Gong….Gong?? Hey, Gong!?” He turned around, and Tiger had gathered the cooks, picked up a mallet, and then for reals CLANGED THE EFFING GONG.

Incredulous, Gong the person asked to take a pic for posterity. And ridicule:

For Louie, this was a delightful reminder of how kids would mockingly chant “Goooong!” during basketball games. So thanks for that, Tiger — and thank you Lucky 8′s China House for serving up another shining example that there really is no difference between “Hipster racism” and just regular ol’ racism.

photos by Louie Gong

Oh Hell No: Ashton Kutcher in Brownface

Posted in Appropriation, AUDACITY, Douchebaggary, Hipster Racism, white ppl booshit, WTF?! with tags , , , , on May 3, 2012 by Cbruhs

Yesterday, Popchips unveiled its new ad campaign “Worldwide Lovers”, in which worldwide D-bag Ashton Kutcher plays four different characters on a dating show. One of these characters is “Raj”, a Bollywood producer — which is basically Ashton in brownface, a sparkly blue sherwani, and a shitty accent.

I don’t think I need to explain why this ad is racist, but I wouldn’t mind an explanation of what the hell this has to do with Popchips. And believe it or not, this campaign cost $1.5M…and those lucky enough to live in Denver, L.A., New York, Phoenix, San Francisco, and Seattle would have been treated to outdoor ads as well.

Even more wack was the initial response Popchips released: “The new popchips worldwide dating video and ad campaign featuring four characters was created to provoke a few laughs and was never intended to stereotype or offend anyone. At popchips we embrace all types of shapes, flavors and colors, and appreciate all snackers, no matter their race or ethnicity. We hope people can enjoy this in the spirit it was intended.”

This ad isn’t about RACE, people….it’s about SNACKERS! Of all um, “shapes, flavors and colors”….especially pervy, pathetic, Indian snackers! So if you’re offended…just stop that right now!

Writer Anil Dash has been very active in responding to the ad campaign, outlining next steps and documenting his correspondence with the company.

It looks like all the tweets and criticism paid off, and Popchips pulled the ad and apologized. Founder and CEO Keith Belling wrote on the company site: “We received a lot feedback about the dating campaign parody we launched today and appreciate everyone who took the time to share their point of view. Our team worked hard to create a light-hearted parody featuring a variety of characters that was meant to provide a few laughs. We did not intend to offend anyone. I take full responsibility and apologize to anyone we offended.”

Friday Fuckery: How to Date an Indonesian Woman

Posted in Barf Me Out, Bitch please!, Creeptastic, Douchebaggary, Friday Fuckery, Old white dudes with hawt young Asian chicks with tags , , , on February 10, 2012 by Cbruhs

I’m not even gonna waste my time going into the infinity +1 reasons why this “secret how-to” video is all sorts of NO. Just have a squirt bottle of milk handy for your eyeballs to help flush the burning images of the shmarmiest, greasiest, leering-est douchebag to ever gaze directly into a camera and make you feel dirtier than finding your grandma’s vibrator.

“It’s TOO EASY”…”Know HOW and where to take her.” GAAAGGKK! Those shades! That permagrin! I snickered at first but I’m for serious puking right now. I thought Australians hated Asians? Apparently not enough to not stand unnecessarily close to one and coo in a low, breathy voice about “enjoying the best Jakarta has to offer”. It makes my bowels churn to know this exists.

Thanks Lou!

Super Bowl Ad Fuckery

Posted in Barf Me Out, Bitch please!, Blame China!, booshit, Creeptastic, Douchebaggary, fucktards, WTF?! with tags , , , , , on February 6, 2012 by Cbruhs

I’m not a big one for sports, but I do like looking at spandex and tattoos, so this year I gladly plunked my butt on the couch for a four-hour long excuse to binge on BBQ chicken wings, Costco Andre champagne, and of course — taking in the multimillion dollar Superbowl Ad Extravaganza. And my stars, was this year a doozy.

Remember 2011′s Groupon ad that portrayed Tibetans as a tragic, dying culture, but — huzzah! — out of which savvy customers could still score a cheap fish curry?

Well, this year did not disappoint on the racism and sexism fronts. The worst offender being Michigan Senate candidate Pete Hoesktra’s political ad, which showed an Asian woman biking through a rice paddy (cue gongs) and saying in broken English: “...Your economy get very weak. Ours get very good. We take your jobs….”

(And if you think you’re angry now, check out Hoekstra’s even more ludicrous ching chongy website).

The ad was quickly condemned by a Michigan coalition of Black ministers, APIA Vote, other Republicans, and basically anyone who’s not a dipshit. Hoekstra lamely defended himself by saying the ad is “satirical” and not about race.

Moving on! Apparently advertisers are still clinging onto that time-honored marketing adage: “sex sells…especially if it’s like, absurdly, offensively, Mad Men-level sexist”. Jezebel and Mother Jones did great pieces on the plethora of creepy Super Bowl ads that trotted out the tired female = sex object formula to sell cars, web domains (GoDaddy.com, of course), and even uh, M&Ms.

The ad that made me shudder and want to kick an ad exec in the balls the most was from Teleflora:

This is just a big dripping ball of lechery — from the cheap porno soundtrack to Adriana Lima’s lascivious close ups to the blatant “give…and you shall receive…Happy Valentines night.” Do people really still think that throwing 50 bucks towards flowers or dinner or some crap is what it takes to get a woman to fuck you? Insulting to both sexes, and viewers probably don’t appreciate how uncomfortable and unfortunate it is to watch this with your kids or (in my case) parents and grandparents.

Fortunately the organization Miss Representation launched the brilliant Twitter hashtag #NotBuyingIt, which allows viewers to talk back and let companies know how they feel about the use of women in only highly sexualized contexts — or left out altogether (as in the case of this men-only Best Buy ad on tech innovators):

Ain’t no truth in advertising here.

Source

See Jezebel’s list of 10 female tech innovators that should have been included here.

Friday Fuckery: Shit White Guys Say to Asian Girls

Posted in AUDACITY, Awesomeness, Douchebaggary, Friday Fuckery, Old white dudes with hawt young Asian chicks, white ppl booshit with tags , , , on January 13, 2012 by Cbruhs

You know it was only a matter of time. And luckily, this video is done very well. And how do we judge that? Because this shit is true — and because it’s true, it’s funny. And a little sad. But you know…laugh to keep from cryin’ and all that jazz!

Real talk. Cheers to you, Cindy Fang of Grumpy Panda!

Now someone should step up and do a “Shit White Guys Say…to Asian Guys”. Or “Shit Asian Girls Say…to Asian Guys”. Even more real talk!

Lady Chinky Eyes On Colbert Report

Posted in booshit, Douchebaggary, fucktards with tags , , on January 11, 2012 by Cbruhs

By now, you’ve probably heard about last week’s incident where a New York Papa John’s employee identified a Korean American customer as “lady chinky eyes” on her receipt.

Not only has this received attention on assorted Gawker Media and Asian American blogs, but it’s risen to national prominence by appearing on the Colbert Report last night:

Yes Colbert! Hopefully this will help reinforce the message that this recent trend (also see Chik-fil-A’s “ching” & “chong” receipts…plus Chik-fil-A gets extra bogus points because they’ve donated millions to anti-gay groups) is all sorts of fucked up. And if you’re one of those people that thinks we live in a post-racial, colorblind Kumbaya society, you need look no further than your local fast food joint for evidence that this shit permeates.

Thanks Char!

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