Blood Bath! Steven Ho Gets Gruesome on Conan

stevenbloodbath

Happy World Goth Day to all us dark-souled, black-hearted ghouls & gremlins! FOREVER ALLOOOOONNNE!!!

Keeping WGD in mind, it was good timing and tangentially relevant that BCB’s ol’ pally Steven Ho — despite having his arms full with real Asian baby twins (alas, Conan’s fake Asian Baby got raffled off on YouTube)  — walloped Conan with another action-packed plus BLOOD-DRENCHED appearance a couple days ago….and it literally GUSHED with gory goodness (sorry)!

If I had a quarter for every time someone said to me, “So, I’m gonna stick my sword inside you”….. I would have 50 cents. ANYHOO I learned a lot about how Hollywood works from watching these segments, including THIS awesome “dummy-soft-shoe-hand-punch-kick-to-the-face” trick (just watch, it will all make sense) and how they will serve you fake movie blood in a nice shot glass (FYI don’t swallow). Classy shit! Side note: WHO is that hawt stunt piece with the axe & the earring?? (good band name). Yowza. Talk about gettin that blood pumping.

As always, Steven Ho kills it…and You Will Know Him By the Trail of Dead left in his grisly wake…Good Stuff! Great Fun! Uh, I mean….the victims have been bled…strewn with time’s dead flowers…bereft in deathly bloom

Thanks Steven!

 

BCB Hoebags: Amy Chua & Jeb Rubenfeld

Welcome to the first inductees of 2014 into the BCB Hoebag* Hall of Shame: Amy Chua & hubby Jeb Rubenfeld!!

Shudder.

Shudder.

In all honesty, Amy Chua should have joined these hallowed ranks in 2011, when that Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother aka Chinese-moms-are-better-because-they (ALL OF THEM)-brutalize-their-kids-emotionally-physically-and-spirituality-WHAT-COME-AT-ME-AMERICA sensationalist mess that spawned a household meme no one in their right Asian American mind could stomach.

Well, fetch me a switchin’ stick, Fame Whore Mom Tiger Mom and her husband are back and classy as ever. With an (if you can believe it) even more trollish, race-baity, and offensively ridiculous message: Some races oh I mean ethnicities oh wait cultural groups yes that’s the ticket…are better than others! Because of three “unlikely traits”: Superiority Complex. Insecurity. Impulse Control. Yep.

And these successful, uh- risen groups? Cuban exiles, Nigerians, Mormons, Lebanese, Iranian, Indian…..and Chinese and Jewish (oh looky there! Obviously explains how these two were able to write such a magnum opus).

No better way to cash that publicity check ring in the new year than pseudo-scientifically exploiting stereotypes, ignoring virtually everything about American history and context, and hawking a 300+ page cunt punt to race relations with their new book: The Triple Package: How Three Random BS Traits Explain Why Some Groups are Rule the Skool and Why Other Groups Suck at Life and Deserve What They Get (I’m paraphrasing, but basically). Eugenics always got a bad rap, am I right guys!? Model Minority, woof woof raise the roof!

Sure, Chua will backpedal and qualify, dodge and charm all throughout her high profile book tour, just like her last go-round. Semantics-shimmy all you want, the racial shit is implied; the damage is done. Book sales, speaking fees, and media hits, however, are over the moooon! LOL XOXO suckers!

Please Amy Chua. Just take a seat. You don’t speak for Asian Moms (#NotYourAsianTigerMom) and your bootstraps crap sure as hell doesn’t speak for the rest of us. Let’s retire this nonsense…to the BCB HOEBAG HALL OF SHAME!!

Check out some great takes on this horseshit at Changelab’s Race Files (YAASS), YOMYOMF and NY Post (really).

*We at BCB consider Hoebaggishness to be an equal opportunity quality across sex and gender(s).

Steven Ho + Conan = One Huge TMNT

So our buddy Steven Ho has been crazy busy raising twins (Congrats!) and apparently ignoring his OG Asian Baby — but he’s BACK on Conan this Thursday and ready to bring the pain….and maybe transform Conan into a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle**.

CONAN-VS-HO

Man vs. Man-sized Turtle….whas gonna happen?!?

This is gonna sound fucked up, but when I was a kid I totally liked TMNT.  Not only “liked” in the sense of being a rabid fan of the cartoon, but like, LIKE liked. I wanted to skip through the sewer together shouting COWABUNGA and fight Krang side-by-shell (my signature weapon would be PoGo Ball) and have dishy, heart-to-heart convos about Shredder’s emotional problems or whatever an 8-year-old thinks love is. I had the hots for Leonardo specifically. He was the leader but not in an overly alpha, douchey way. As for April…I wasn’t sure if I hated her or wanted to be her (that dayglo yellow jumpsuit, pow!).

Soooooo that right there is the special place that TMNT has in my heart — and I am releasing that creepy anecdote out into the universe so it doesn’t hold power over me anymore. YOU DON’T HAVE TURTLE POWER OVER ME ANYMORE, LEO!

Don’t you dare miss Steven Ho and a very special 6’4” red pompadour-ed Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle this Thursday night!

Hawt.

**For which Steven is especially qualified: he played Donatello in both Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III, son!!

Okay, Chris Brown: “Fine China”

So “Fine China” — the new single by Chris “Forever (Flared Nostrils)” Brown — dropped last week. Which apparently, involves him stealing off with a triad boss’s daughter and gallivanting through the underworlds of Chinatown — rather than delicately sipping Lipton while getting hollered at by Mo’Nique on VH1′s Charm School, as I had hoped.

Because being romantically involved with an Asian girl always entails breaking her shackles of Asian male oppression, Chris the Fist also beats up an entire tong of Asian dudes. Just watch:

Uh, okay gurl. And what in Mongolian Izaac Mizrahi for Target hell is Ling (?!?) wearing? Is she really getting in the car with him? Best wear some shoes you can run in, girl.

The Difficult Brown can dress like a twink ventriloquist newsie all he wants, but “it’s alright, I’m not dangerous” is just not convincing me. And I’m normally a big fan of dance-fighting, but we’re supposed to believe a gold bowtie-wearing agitated beaver can whoop a whole Chinatown gang without even using his teeth?

The only redeeming quality about this video is Ling’s poopface at the 0:32 mark. That really says it all.

UPDATE: OK, I lied. The other redeeming quality about this video is the Octopus move at the 3:47 mark. I’m obsessed with it and have been consistently practicing in front of the mirror and loved ones since this posting, so I can bust it out at the club this weekend with my cousins (see you at Tia Lou’s!).

ALSO, the song has annoyingly been stuck in my head for days, and I’m gonna blame that on the blatant MJ rip-offs. It’s like they just took ‘Billie Jean’, threw it into a derivative remix app for iPhone — and donezo.

 

Conan O’Brien Gets Drunk at Holiday Party, Steven Ho Kicks His Ass

BCB buddy the indomitable Steven Ho sent us this gem from last night’s Conan. As usual, it involves plenty o’ spin kicks to the gut, glass breaking o’er heads, and a jolly assortment of beat downs (courtesy of Steven, of course).

And since this is a Holiday Party, it also involves heartwarming festivities like candy cane jousting(!), ugly Xmas sweaters, and the requisite over-aggressive drunkenness. This video should set the bar for all office holiday parties to come.

 

Thanks Steven!

Steven Ho Back on Conan Tomorrow!

Our fave stuntman/martial artist/hi-end furniture store owner/NEW DAD Steven Ho is back, and as usual, busting Conan O’Brien’s balls. If there is unfinished bidnid that needs finishin’, Steven Ho will be the one to uh, FINISH IT!!! Just look at the fear in Conan’s eyeballs!

Don’t miss what is sure to be a delightful evening of whoop ass.

Thanks Steven and Congrats!

Middle America’s Asian Invasion

The Asian Invasion has been grossly over-exaggerated for decades. But this time, it might really be happening. How else can you explain the purchase of Buford, Wyoming by Pham Dinh Nguyen, a HCMC businessman or the sale of Scenic, South Dakota to a Filipino church, Iglesia ni Cristo, based in Quezon City?

I’ll blame it on bad geography lessons and a weak US dollar, but could this be a conspiracy by Asian business folks to take over America one town at a time? We’ll see… if a Taiwanese import/export businessman buys up District 12 Henry River Mill Village in North Carolina, we’ll know for sure. What use can you possibly have for Peeta’s bakery other than planning the impending AzN InVaSiOn ^_^ ????

I’m so scared, I have NO idea what to do!? Seriously, the only power I have is to sit here and decide which MEME better suits this Paul Revere prediction of the doom that will set upon our lovely nation. Should I use this one:

Or THIS one???

ARGHH! I’m just rearranging furniture on the Titanic!

PS. that was a trick question. The answer is always to use the cute fat asian kid.

North Korean Labor Camps in Siberia

VICE, king of all things hipster, recently traveled into the wilds of Siberia to film and talk to North Koreans in labor camps.

Dissatisfied with a government-sponsored tour of North Korea aka The Hermit Kingdom aka “the most fucked up place on Earth” — where he wasn’t allowed to talk to anyone outside of the official tour — Shane Smith and a fellow journalist decided to take the trans-Siberian railroad into the Russian interior to find people in North Korean labor camps and “see how they live”. The trip is graced with local Russian mobsters, plenty of vodka, and — as to be expected — royally pissed off North Korean officials.

They find that most workers are sent to the camps as free labor for 10+ years to cut logs that will eventually be exported to England, and to earn revenue for resource-starved North Korea. They live in dilapidated campers and barracks and work throughout the brutal winter and summer seasons.  See what else transpires when a group of white dudes goes in search of shit they’re not supposed to see.

(watch the other installments here)

via Buzzfeed

New Video From Notorious MSG! Warning: Contains Buttcrack

BCB favorites The Notorious MSG recently released another video, this time with an imperative message regarding your safety: The Dangers of MSG: First Aid for Rectal Prolapse.

As you may well know, listening to the ass-blasting tunes of MSG can wreak havoc on one’s lower intestinal tract. Being the considerate, honorable gentlemen they are, Hong Kong Fever, Down Lo Mein & Hunan Bomb graciously created this video to help you or a loved one minimize the damage:

Please note the Yellow Peril Dildo cameo in the lower left hand corner at 0:43 and 1:12. HOLLA! (Repeated use of the Yellow Peril can also contribute to lifelong rectal health and prevent such unfortunate accidents).

Thanks MSG!

Cung Le UFC Fight this Saturday

This Saturday, rising MMA star, actor, and San Jose native Cung Le will be playing his first UFC game, against Wanderlei Silva. I’m told this is a big deal. Like many other casual followers of the sport, I mostly enjoy the the finer aspects of MMA, like giggling and clutching my pearls when the fighters roll around and grapple with each other in a hot, sweaty, muscley mess. It’s so…sensual. Yes? Am I right? Guys? Yes?

Le is a former Sanshou champion (Chinese hand-to-hand combat), and is so badass he once broke a dude’s ARM with a kick. Plus, THAT HAIR. Swoon. So add some hot stuff to your weekend and feel your Asian, uh, pride swell when Cung kicks his opponent in the head.

Thanks Lou!