Happy Holidaze from BCB

I was promised Damon Wayans.

Needs more Wayans

Season’s Greetings! Happy Kwanzaa! Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah! Joyous Festivus! Sing Daan Fai Lok!!

You've in general been a disappointment this year (again) but since you insist on staying single long past your expiration date (mHo! mHo! mHo!), I am obliged to give you some lay see cash.

You’ve in general been a disappointment this year (again) but since you insist on staying single long past your expiration date (mHo! mHo! mHo!) tradition dictates that I give you cold, hard cash.

May you have spike in your nog, a log in your yule, and after 7pm on the 25th — we’ll see you and your cousins at the club!

And for all of you (riffraff) attending SantaCon — or your obligatory company holiday party, may I suggest the following as part of your festive ensemble:

Insert Power first in upper right

Insert Power Fist in upper right

Party time!
Dance, I said. Get on up!

This Xmas Eve I’m looking forward to our yearly tradition of going to my godmother’s and getting tipsy on Andre’s and homemade rum cake, goaded into a James Brown Christmas dance-a-thon (I’m serious, no camcorders this year) and BLACK SANTAS EVERYWHERE all black everything black on black, blacks on blacks on blacks on blaaackkssssEAT IT Megyn Kelly! Black Santas RUN THIS TOWN.

santa-black-album

So on that note, Dear BCB readers, whatever color or creed your Santa or non-denominational holiday archetype may be, have a Soulful Xmas and Funky New Year!

Katy Perry’s Cupcake Brigade

After appearing with a posse of mini-me’s at the Toronto MuchMusic Awards on Sunday, Katy Perry received a lot of flak for one little girl’s costume in particular…the infamous getup from the “California Gurls” video. As in cupcakes over her (non)breasts and pretty pretty please with red cherries on top.

photo by George Pimentel/Getty Images

I’m with Jezebel here…there’s no question this is an extreme fuckup in judgment, an indicator of the hypersexualization of females from a young age, and just plain gross.

But I also want to point out another f*cked up thing about these tarted up tots….WHY DOES THE ASIAN GIRL HAVE TO BE THE NERDY ONE?

And I don’t even know what’s going on with the girl on the far right here, as we pan out further:

All implications about the relationship between race and the military-industrial complex aside, this lil’ lady just ain’t into it….ADORBS!! Gals, you’re all fireworks! KATY PERRY 4EVA!

Vice Magazine Does it Again

These Asian girl loving/asian men hating muthf*ckers at Vice Magazine did it again. After all that time I spent compiling that list of the cutter mag’s Do’s & Don’t list to show how much they love them some AzN women and hate on us men, Vice Magazine’s Do’s and Don’t: Asian Cutterz, they do it one more time.

Do’s: 

"There’s a lot our kids can learn from a hobo, like how to roll a joint using only a $20 bill and a small Asian woman."

Don’t:

"News flash, Asian Jesus. Pink scrotum tote bags don’t make you look less like a piece of shit."

We get it Vice, Asian girls are so fucking hot and go so well with your Ray Bans. Asian guys creep the hell out of me too, especially when they’re on their way home from the dim sum restaurant you and your girlfriend love going to so f’n much.

Big Bang Doesn’t Get the Girl

Come on Big Bang! You got 11+ million hits for a video shot in NYC! You’re the biggest band in South Korea right now which means you can hook up with any PYT in Seoul… YET…

None of you can hook up with the white girl!? Not even a kiss? Is it cause she’s white? You might wanna change your name to 5 Small Bangs. Seriously guys.Would have helped Asian Americans a bit if one of you did. Least you can do while filming stateside, YO!

Who Said Colonialism is Over?

Granted, I was only in the Philippines for a few days and I didn’t get out of Manila for long. But I really couldn’t pinpoint for a long ass time why I was so uncomfortable there. All the time. Until I got back stateside. That’s when I realized how undeniable the class system was there. And how the class system was entirely based on skin color. And how skin color was a legacy of Spanish Colonialism. And how I really didn’t like Filipino food or days on end of all deep friend food. Wait, that last point was unrelated to the others.

So it didn’t surprise me when I saw this FHM magazine cover. All those skin lightening products and all that white make-up powder sales. Ridiculous.  More on this story here. Video interview with Padilla below.

The New New Chinatowns

For years I’ve been hearing folks talk about gentrifying Chinatowns. This is a real concern in Chinatowns like Oakland’s, where an underutilized BART station (Lake Merritt) is going through a community planning process that can potentially lead to some pretty high buildings, higher population and higher rents and Chinese folks hightailing out.

Oak-rand

Oak-rand

Now, I could spend this whole blog post writing about how to protect Chinatowns, but to be honest, what does that mean? Part of it means keeping rents low (rental protections), keeping Chinatowns for Chinese folks (street signs in Chinese) and making sure the local amenities appeal to Asian folks and not Audi-driving yuppie parents. But what happens when a business closes (Chinatown knickknacks, boba tea cafes, Chinese breakfast restaurants). What do you replace it with? Another Chinatown staple? A Starbucks with Chinese signage? Should we maintain the look, feel and economic pulse of Chinatowns? What if a family business that’s been running for 40 years suddenly closes and sells to 3rd generation Asian Americans? What if a business gets passed on, within the family, to a 2nd generation Chinese kid? What if a Korean American kid takes over a family Chinese restaurant and turns it in a fusion Chinese spot that’s voted one of the top ten new restaurants in the country like Mission Chinese in San Francisco? What if MC opened up in the heart of Chinatown SF? What would the local CBOs and Chinese Chamber say? So that’s the dilemma I’m proposing to you. What does it mean to be Chinatown: Geography? Tenure? The things you sell? And how Chinese do you have to be to be Chinatown: Full Chinese? Chinese American? ABC? Asian? Asian American? Vietnamese/Filipino/Korean American? 2nd/3rd/4th generation? Angel/Ellis Island Asian?

I don’t know the answer to all of this, but I do know that folks like me who hang out in Chinatowns like second homes need to be thinking about this shit cause our generation and younger need a PLAN. To start, I’d like to provide you a few examples of what Chinatowns might look like a few years from now, businesses I’m calling Chinatown 2.0 cause these aren’t your typical paper money shops. These are hybrid old school/new school uses, Asian American type businesses, or just hip (probably gentrifying) uses that we need to pay attention to before Chinatowns become ethnic Disneylands crossed with Portlandia: food trucks, secret dive bars, and two girls/two shirt stores everywhere. I’ll be including a gentrification meter rating between 1-10 that’ll predict how this business will affect the pushing out of Chinese folks from the premises (1 being 中文地狱 and 10 being American Apparel next door to a Anthropologie).

Li Po Lounge, San Francisco California. Made famous by the latest Anthony Bourdain Layover SF episode and Sweater Funk (a sweaty/grimy soul party every Sunday night). How legit is this place? Old school chinese bar up top with Tsing Tao bottles and the soul party downstairs. Gentrification Meter: 4 before Bourdain, 5 post-Bourdain. Its grimey and the hipsters are hidden downstairs.

San Francisco's Li Po Lounge

San Francisco's Li Po Lounge

Fortune Sound Club, Vancouver, British Columbia. I don’t know much about Van City other than I like everything about it. I especially know nothing about the City’s Chinatown if only cause I learned early on you gotta go south to Richmond to get a taste of real Chinese food. So I don’t know why there’s still a Chinatown in the City and who actually lives there. But that didn’t stop me from including the only real CLUB I’ve ever been to in a Chinatown (sorry Grand Star, which comes up next). Gentrification Meter: 6? On one hand, you got Saul Williams coming up in March at Fortune, but on the other hand, are there Chinese folks that actually live here? Any Vancouverites wanna fill me in?

Can you spot an Chinese folks in this crowd? Oh there's one! Two, three.... Three...

Grand Star Jazz Club, Los Angeles, California. So hip, Blacklava sells a shirt for this spot. New York tribute night be damned, this spot is so cool and confusing. On one hand, you have Britney making cameo appearances and on the other hand, step one foot outside and you’re a drunk walk away from a big bowl of steaming jook. Gentrify Meter: 7. Did I mention Britney Spears in the same sentence as jook in the previous sentence???

Still see a lot of Asian American folks here no matter what party is going on.

So what can you do? If you’re Chinese, open up a new business in Ctown, USA. Just be culturally sensitive and if you’re gonna sell food, it damn well better be good. And please, no more vinyl toy shops. The ones in San Jose JTown and Chinatown LA haven’t been customer magnets unless you want 12-yr old kids loitering and playing street fighter on your in-house Super Nintendo. I really wish I could have showed you some viable Chinatown retail businesses that fit this Chinatown 2.0 category, but I really don’t know any. Please send them our way if you do know!

Friday Fuckery: How to Date an Indonesian Woman

I’m not even gonna waste my time going into the infinity +1 reasons why this “secret how-to” video is all sorts of NO. Just have a squirt bottle of milk handy for your eyeballs to help flush the burning images of the shmarmiest, greasiest, leering-est douchebag to ever gaze directly into a camera and make you feel dirtier than finding your grandma’s vibrator.

“It’s TOO EASY”…”Know HOW and where to take her.” GAAAGGKK! Those shades! That permagrin! I snickered at first but I’m for serious puking right now. I thought Australians hated Asians? Apparently not enough to not stand unnecessarily close to one and coo in a low, breathy voice about “enjoying the best Jakarta has to offer”. It makes my bowels churn to know this exists.

Thanks Lou!

Super Bowl Ad Fuckery

I’m not a big one for sports, but I do like looking at spandex and tattoos, so this year I gladly plunked my butt on the couch for a four-hour long excuse to binge on BBQ chicken wings, Costco Andre champagne, and of course — taking in the multimillion dollar Superbowl Ad Extravaganza. And my stars, was this year a doozy.

Remember 2011’s Groupon ad that portrayed Tibetans as a tragic, dying culture, but — huzzah! — out of which savvy customers could still score a cheap fish curry?

Well, this year did not disappoint on the racism and sexism fronts. The worst offender being Michigan Senate candidate Pete Hoesktra’s political ad, which showed an Asian woman biking through a rice paddy (cue gongs) and saying in broken English: “...Your economy get very weak. Ours get very good. We take your jobs….”

(And if you think you’re angry now, check out Hoekstra’s even more ludicrous ching chongy website).

The ad was quickly condemned by a Michigan coalition of Black ministers, APIA Vote, other Republicans, and basically anyone who’s not a dipshit. Hoekstra lamely defended himself by saying the ad is “satirical” and not about race.

Moving on! Apparently advertisers are still clinging onto that time-honored marketing adage: “sex sells…especially if it’s like, absurdly, offensively, Mad Men-level sexist”. Jezebel and Mother Jones did great pieces on the plethora of creepy Super Bowl ads that trotted out the tired female = sex object formula to sell cars, web domains (GoDaddy.com, of course), and even uh, M&Ms.

The ad that made me shudder and want to kick an ad exec in the balls the most was from Teleflora:

This is just a big dripping ball of lechery — from the cheap porno soundtrack to Adriana Lima’s lascivious close ups to the blatant “give…and you shall receive…Happy Valentines night.” Do people really still think that throwing 50 bucks towards flowers or dinner or some crap is what it takes to get a woman to fuck you? Insulting to both sexes, and viewers probably don’t appreciate how uncomfortable and unfortunate it is to watch this with your kids or (in my case) parents and grandparents.

Fortunately the organization Miss Representation launched the brilliant Twitter hashtag #NotBuyingIt, which allows viewers to talk back and let companies know how they feel about the use of women in only highly sexualized contexts — or left out altogether (as in the case of this men-only Best Buy ad on tech innovators):

Ain’t no truth in advertising here.

Source

See Jezebel’s list of 10 female tech innovators that should have been included here.

Asians are Real Humans Too

What is it with Swedes and fetishizing Asians? First it was Lizbeth’s girlfriend in Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and now its Real Human, the Swedish knockoff of NBC’s Beautiful People. We get it, she’s a robot that’ll be great raising kids AND great in bed for pops. BEST lines from the trailer:

Dad: Relax, it can shop, do dishes!
Moms: Its a sex toy!!

(later that night)

Dad: Its past your bedtime, Tobbe.

Classic Swedish cinema. Did I tell you how my friends just came back from Stockholm and were physically accosted everywhere they went for being Asian? YAY SWEDEN!

O! My Japanese Boy

Wow, you don’t usually see pop music fetishizing Asian men as much as you do Asian women (Bowie’s “China Girl”, Gwen Stefani’s silent Harajuku army, Travie McCoy’s “Need You” Music vid etc. etc.), but ’80s Scottish singer Aneka — aka Mary Sandeman — could serve up the cringe with the best of them, as seen in her 1981 hit single “Japanese Boy” (which sold 5 million copies worldwide):

Aneka was definitely in keeping with the rich tradition of Yellowface: geisha outfits, china doll wigs (the wig-on-a-wig effect is giving us Nicki Minaj realness), and lots of random bowing and janky hand gestures.

Nice job Aneka, but where are all the ASIAN MEN? For an ode to a Japanese loverboy, their conspicuous absence shows that Aneka was more interested in a self-indulgent fantasy costume party than trotting out a bunch of half-nekkid Asian mens in sumo suits (almost a pity, that).

Also, I’m having some trouble making out the deeply incisive lyrics about transnationalism and interracial relations….I don’t know if that’s because Aneka’s supplementing her “singing” with some fakey Japanese accent, if it’s her real Scottish accent, or just ’80s production quality.

Apparently, after her brief stint in the ’80s, Aneka retired from dance pop to sing traditional Scottish music. Yeah, best to kowtow your way out of this Rogers & Hammerstein fuckery and stick with what you know, Aneka-san.

via Dlisted