Here’s One Way to Win Ben Stein’s Money

bensteinWell, this be bizarre. And random. Also, ick nast. Who knew Ben Stein had such a thing for goldiggin’ “Eurasian” pregnant performance artists? Who wanted to know? Who wants to un-know it? *raises both hands*

Apparently Ben Stein first met 24yo former escort Tanya Ma at SFO, and they struck up a borderline (for those with zero boundaries) creepo relationship that started with texts, then some Snapchat-type content (y’all know what I’m talking about), progressed to Tonya asking for some monies to support her baby-to-be…and then quickly went south (shocker) after they agreed to meet in a hotel *but* Stein revealed he wanted to do gross old man stuff to her like hug and kiss her preggo body-ody-ody. LINE. CROSSED. In his defense, quoth Ben: “When is it wrong to hug people?” …..?…??…..

If you are a dirty masochist or a goldigger-in-training or now an even bigger Ben Stein fan (for shame), you can read more sordid details here.

I just know I’ll never be able to hear the words “Bueller….Bueller?” in the same way again…

Via Page Six & Dlisted

America’s Porn Searches by Fetish, by State, and by Duration

I’m a big fan of infographics and this one may be the most fascinating one yet. Now we know what people are searching for on Pornhub (I’d probably say its THE most popular site for free, and paid, porn on the web) — and it’s aggregated BY STATE!

Now we know which states are into the most deviant shit (I’m looking at you Colorado, Kansas, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Tennessee, West Virginia; AKA the “Cream Pie” Belt), the most strangest stuff (“Anita Queen” is what-now, Nevada?), the most puzzling (Kentucky and “hentai”? Really?), the most indecisive (I’m looking at you “compilation” lovers), the most “Ebony”-loving Southern states (Yay Civil Rights(?)) and the most inexplicable (Mississippians’ site visit durations last the longest AND they’re most  into “teen” porn? That just seems wrong). Take a look at the map and go deeper (pun intended) into the statistical analysis (pun intended) here. The following is further commentary from AzN and Cbruhs in case you wanted to know what we think of “smoking”, “creampies” and the “ebony” loving south.

pornhub

Cbruhs: Hahaha “Asian” in Washington and California! “Hentai” in Kentucky LOLZ. And WTF is “Anita Queen”?

AzN: We are PROUD to be from Washington and California…I guess? Californians are into: “Asian”, “Teen”, “Massage”? Putting them all together is really really wrong tho. And I have no idea what “Anita Queen” is. I’m afraid to google it. Maybe it means “I need a QUEEN?”

Cbruhs: Just googlied it. I guess its a person?

AzN: Remind me never to visit any of the “compilation” or “creampie” states ever again. There must be a reason why they are also my least favorite states. And now I know why.

Cbruhs: WTH is “compilation”?

AzN: I don’t know. But if I were to guess, it’s a “compilation” of one thing that’s snippets from several scenes… For the quantity over quality types. (editor’s note: I totally know what “compilation” means)

Cbruhs: I just googled “cream pie” and it was not what I thought it was and I also threw up in my mouth then cried a little.

AzN: That’s just how you make babies! Or so I read on WebMD.

Cbruhs: Interesting that Utah has no data on this map. I heard that they’re the state that watches the most porn (Mormons). Also, Wyoming is into “smoking”? I don’t even wanna know. Dare we google it? Also, there are a LOT of “cream pie” states. I’m pretty terrified.

AzN: Maybe people are searching for “smoking” cause they don’t know what it is. (editor’s note: I totally know what this means too).

Cbruhs: Gawd, “Cream pie” must be the biggest euphemism ever.

AzN: It’s pretty literal dude. Its kinda a sick word now that I think about it. “CREAM PIE”.

Cbruhs: NO! IT’S NOT LITERAL! It is NOT a yummy treat! So…”smoking” is just people smoking while doing it? Wow, Wyoming is pretty tame compared to its neighbors.

AzN: It’s probably the worst porn on that list.

Cbruhs: I guess that depends on one’s definition of “worst”.  And smoking while doing it just sounds dangerous. ¡PERO CUIDADO! Don’t burn the house down!

AzN: Why is South Dakota the only state into “POV” (point of view) porn? Is it cause their daily lives are boring so they need to watch porn through someone else’s eyes?

Cbruhs: …

AzN: And Alabama, Georgia, and Louisiana are the only states into “ebony” porn? I would connect this to the 50th anniversary of the “I Have a Dream” speech somehow, but I don’t want to go to hell.

Cbruhs: You’ve crossed the line.

Okay, Chris Brown: “Fine China”

So “Fine China” — the new single by Chris “Forever (Flared Nostrils)” Brown — dropped last week. Which apparently, involves him stealing off with a triad boss’s daughter and gallivanting through the underworlds of Chinatown — rather than delicately sipping Lipton while getting hollered at by Mo’Nique on VH1′s Charm School, as I had hoped.

Because being romantically involved with an Asian girl always entails breaking her shackles of Asian male oppression, Chris the Fist also beats up an entire tong of Asian dudes. Just watch:

Uh, okay gurl. And what in Mongolian Izaac Mizrahi for Target hell is Ling (?!?) wearing? Is she really getting in the car with him? Best wear some shoes you can run in, girl.

The Difficult Brown can dress like a twink ventriloquist newsie all he wants, but “it’s alright, I’m not dangerous” is just not convincing me. And I’m normally a big fan of dance-fighting, but we’re supposed to believe a gold bowtie-wearing agitated beaver can whoop a whole Chinatown gang without even using his teeth?

The only redeeming quality about this video is Ling’s poopface at the 0:32 mark. That really says it all.

UPDATE: OK, I lied. The other redeeming quality about this video is the Octopus move at the 3:47 mark. I’m obsessed with it and have been consistently practicing in front of the mirror and loved ones since this posting, so I can bust it out at the club this weekend with my cousins (see you at Tia Lou’s!).

ALSO, the song has annoyingly been stuck in my head for days, and I’m gonna blame that on the blatant MJ rip-offs. It’s like they just took ‘Billie Jean’, threw it into a derivative remix app for iPhone — and donezo.

 

‘SAFE’ AKA ‘Jason Statham Snuffs More Asians’

Oh, look — another Jason Statham movie. This one is called SAFE, and the drama revolves around a girl who’s an orphaned math prodigy and can memorize anything. And she’s Asian, so that makes sense. And this Asian girl is going to be saved by Statham’s character cuz he’s a destitute, mediocre (but white!) cage fighter, and because her fellow AZNs are exploiting her by ruthlessly using her maths skills for gambling. This necessitates much ass-whupping of random Asian gangsters and a buttload of shoot ‘em ups in dark, smoky Chinatown haunts…à la the White Knight/Orientalism formula and the typical Statham movie.

At least Bai Ling won’t be making a repeat appearance as Grimy Clingy Hooker in this one:

Vice Magazine Does it Again

These Asian girl loving/asian men hating muthf*ckers at Vice Magazine did it again. After all that time I spent compiling that list of the cutter mag’s Do’s & Don’t list to show how much they love them some AzN women and hate on us men, Vice Magazine’s Do’s and Don’t: Asian Cutterz, they do it one more time.

Do’s: 

"There’s a lot our kids can learn from a hobo, like how to roll a joint using only a $20 bill and a small Asian woman."

Don’t:

"News flash, Asian Jesus. Pink scrotum tote bags don’t make you look less like a piece of shit."

We get it Vice, Asian girls are so fucking hot and go so well with your Ray Bans. Asian guys creep the hell out of me too, especially when they’re on their way home from the dim sum restaurant you and your girlfriend love going to so f’n much.

Friday Fuckery: How to Date an Indonesian Woman

I’m not even gonna waste my time going into the infinity +1 reasons why this “secret how-to” video is all sorts of NO. Just have a squirt bottle of milk handy for your eyeballs to help flush the burning images of the shmarmiest, greasiest, leering-est douchebag to ever gaze directly into a camera and make you feel dirtier than finding your grandma’s vibrator.

“It’s TOO EASY”…”Know HOW and where to take her.” GAAAGGKK! Those shades! That permagrin! I snickered at first but I’m for serious puking right now. I thought Australians hated Asians? Apparently not enough to not stand unnecessarily close to one and coo in a low, breathy voice about “enjoying the best Jakarta has to offer”. It makes my bowels churn to know this exists.

Thanks Lou!

Hello Kitty X Hooters

Apparently it was inevitable that the Hello Kitty New World Order would eventually include questionably-themed chain restaurants…the predominant among them being motherluvin’ HOOTERS (in Japan).

And the first 1,000 customers who go to Hooters Tokyo and order uh, “The Volcano of Love” special Valentine’s parfait get Hello Kitty Hooters pins. Yippee!!

All this HK cross-branding is really starting to destroy my wholesome childhood memories of buying HK pencils and stickers and other useless, yet nonsexualized crap. I mean, HK doesn’t even have a mouth, let alone A PAIR OF JUGS fer Chrissakes…so WHY is she dressed in that loathsome, vile uniform of tan hose/white Reeboks/hazmat coochie cutters? You’re better than that, Hello Kitty!!

Who exactly is the audience for this marketing?

Confusing. And unnecessary. I would very much like to eat that parfait though.

Thanks Char Char!

Source

Super Bowl Ad Fuckery

I’m not a big one for sports, but I do like looking at spandex and tattoos, so this year I gladly plunked my butt on the couch for a four-hour long excuse to binge on BBQ chicken wings, Costco Andre champagne, and of course — taking in the multimillion dollar Superbowl Ad Extravaganza. And my stars, was this year a doozy.

Remember 2011′s Groupon ad that portrayed Tibetans as a tragic, dying culture, but — huzzah! — out of which savvy customers could still score a cheap fish curry?

Well, this year did not disappoint on the racism and sexism fronts. The worst offender being Michigan Senate candidate Pete Hoesktra’s political ad, which showed an Asian woman biking through a rice paddy (cue gongs) and saying in broken English: “...Your economy get very weak. Ours get very good. We take your jobs….”

(And if you think you’re angry now, check out Hoekstra’s even more ludicrous ching chongy website).

The ad was quickly condemned by a Michigan coalition of Black ministers, APIA Vote, other Republicans, and basically anyone who’s not a dipshit. Hoekstra lamely defended himself by saying the ad is “satirical” and not about race.

Moving on! Apparently advertisers are still clinging onto that time-honored marketing adage: “sex sells…especially if it’s like, absurdly, offensively, Mad Men-level sexist”. Jezebel and Mother Jones did great pieces on the plethora of creepy Super Bowl ads that trotted out the tired female = sex object formula to sell cars, web domains (GoDaddy.com, of course), and even uh, M&Ms.

The ad that made me shudder and want to kick an ad exec in the balls the most was from Teleflora:

This is just a big dripping ball of lechery — from the cheap porno soundtrack to Adriana Lima’s lascivious close ups to the blatant “give…and you shall receive…Happy Valentines night.” Do people really still think that throwing 50 bucks towards flowers or dinner or some crap is what it takes to get a woman to fuck you? Insulting to both sexes, and viewers probably don’t appreciate how uncomfortable and unfortunate it is to watch this with your kids or (in my case) parents and grandparents.

Fortunately the organization Miss Representation launched the brilliant Twitter hashtag #NotBuyingIt, which allows viewers to talk back and let companies know how they feel about the use of women in only highly sexualized contexts — or left out altogether (as in the case of this men-only Best Buy ad on tech innovators):

Ain’t no truth in advertising here.

Source

See Jezebel’s list of 10 female tech innovators that should have been included here.

Asians are Real Humans Too

What is it with Swedes and fetishizing Asians? First it was Lizbeth’s girlfriend in Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and now its Real Human, the Swedish knockoff of NBC’s Beautiful People. We get it, she’s a robot that’ll be great raising kids AND great in bed for pops. BEST lines from the trailer:

Dad: Relax, it can shop, do dishes!
Moms: Its a sex toy!!

(later that night)

Dad: Its past your bedtime, Tobbe.

Classic Swedish cinema. Did I tell you how my friends just came back from Stockholm and were physically accosted everywhere they went for being Asian? YAY SWEDEN!

Friday Fuckery: Brenda Song + Trace Cyrus Gettin Marrieds

Today’s Friday Fuckery is brought to you by the decision of these two to take the first step in the magical journey towards divorce: actress Brenda Song (Disney’s The Suite Life of Zack & Cody and the role of psycho Asian tramp in The Social Network) and Trace Cyrus (brother of Miley, “musician”, high school dropout, and exemplar of poor decision-making).

Again, there is just no excuse for that breastplate. Maybe if you're an extra in a "Dances With Wolves" remake. Still, though.

Seriously.

That is all.