The Most Baddest US Senator Gets His Due

Forgive me if I didn’t catch the Daniel Inouye storyline in Ken Burn’s The War. I only heard of the badassness of Inouye via Comedy Central’s all-too-good Drunk History series (have you read how the man lost his arm? I could never have imagined it was like THIS). Between marrying a Ford Foundation board chair and serving Hawaii for 58 years as an elected official, I can see no better way of having his legacy honored than being portrayed by the illustrious Steven Yuen of killing-zombies and dating-farmers-daughters fame. Enjoy, and we’ll surely be posting the other parts when they’re released:

Pussy Paddler Makes Poons Pop (It’s Not What You Think)

No, really, it's iiterally a pussy boat. And a fun alliteration.

No, really, it’s literally a pussy kayak. And a fun alliteration.

Holy Hoo-Ha, talk about dedication to one’s craft!

Japanese artist Megumi Igarashi —  aka Rokudenashiko — has demonstrated an uncompromising, steadfast commitment to chocha art — to the extent that her latest endeavor has landed her right in the clink!

Rokudenashiko started down the glorious pussy path when, feeling something was “abnormal” with her own fla-fla, she underwent vaginal “rejuvination” surgery. Afterwards, she felt “disconnected” from her remodeled cooter and turned her energy towards spreading the sweet gospel of poon acceptance through her artistic creations — which includes jewelry, an iPhone case, and her latest project: gliding around in a kayak modeled after her very own ladyparts — which promptly got her arrested under Japans’ obscenity laws.

Rokudenashiko’s stated goal is to make “pussy more casual and pop” (if your brains have been living in the gutter like mine, you probably had to re-read that sentence a few times to get what she meant, because the first place your mind went to was that line from “My Neck, My Back”).

Given that rates of cosmetic vaginal surgery keep rising (a survey by the American Academy of Cosmetic Surgery projected there were over 53,000 vag rejuvenations performed by all U.S. physicians in 2009. Among AACS members alone, there was an increase of more than 50 percent in 2008) — which reflects how fucked up society’s perceptions and projections are around “normal” or desirable goddess-given gonads (I blame straight porn) — Rokudenashiko is doing the lord’s work, IMHO. Paddling her “peach on the beach” is obscene?!? Butchering one’s box to look like Barbie’s no-no zone is obscene!!! Rokudenashiko is out of order?!? YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!! THEY’RE ALL OUT OF ORDER!!!

Ahem…Talk about Pussy Power. I bet Drake’s song was totally about Rokudenashiko (or it should have been).

pussykayakAlso really feeling the kayak color choice….perhaps a Rokudenashiko X Yellow Peril collab is in order?

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Check out the petition calling for Rokudenashiko’s release, which has amassed over 20,000 signatures.

via Dlisted and HuffPo.

Blood Bath! Steven Ho Gets Gruesome on Conan

stevenbloodbath

Happy World Goth Day to all us dark-souled, black-hearted ghouls & gremlins! FOREVER ALLOOOOONNNE!!!

Keeping WGD in mind, it was good timing and tangentially relevant that BCB’s ol’ pally Steven Ho — despite having his arms full with real Asian baby twins (alas, Conan’s fake Asian Baby got raffled off on YouTube)  — walloped Conan with another action-packed plus BLOOD-DRENCHED appearance a couple days ago….and it literally GUSHED with gory goodness (sorry)!

If I had a quarter for every time someone said to me, “So, I’m gonna stick my sword inside you”….. I would have 50 cents. ANYHOO I learned a lot about how Hollywood works from watching these segments, including THIS awesome “dummy-soft-shoe-hand-punch-kick-to-the-face” trick (just watch, it will all make sense) and how they will serve you fake movie blood in a nice shot glass (FYI don’t swallow). Classy shit! Side note: WHO is that hawt stunt piece with the axe & the earring?? (good band name). Yowza. Talk about gettin that blood pumping.

As always, Steven Ho kills it…and You Will Know Him By the Trail of Dead left in his grisly wake…Good Stuff! Great Fun! Uh, I mean….the victims have been bled…strewn with time’s dead flowers…bereft in deathly bloom

Thanks Steven!

 

Subway Badonk FTW

subwaybutt

Damn, can the author of this NYMag post do a better job of disguising his thinly veiled, seething envy?

In his post, “How Not to Use Your Butt on the Subway, in One Extreme Photo”, Joe Coscarelli describes the above subway situation thus: “On the scale of underground nightmares, it is somewhere amongst a wild rat and a man eating a large chunk of cheese with his hands.”

Please. You can stop clutching your pearls over this one, Joe. I’m pretty sure Survey Says juicy booty > a rat running twixt your toes on the way to work. Every time.

And anyone who’s ridden a jolting NY subway knows that standing in the aisle is a precarious position. While people who lean their whole damn back against the pole during rush hour embody the spirit of RUDE, this lady’s immediate area doesn’t look too crowded. This is obviously a smart, hands-free leveraging of assets — she’s able to text whilst anchoring her center of gravity — so she doesn’t go flying headfirst down the train car as it pulls out of 42nd St. You gotta use all the tools in your toolbox, ladies.

Methinks that in addition to sounding like a snotty, elitist (vaguely racist and sexist?) dickbag, Joe doth protest too much. Were that he had such a triumphant BIG REAR DON’T CURR bringin all the bois to the backyard all DAT AZZ. Oh how he WISHES. Can’t keep your eyes off that fatty, daddy, huh?

Joe also describes the expression of the girl on the left as one of  “abject horror” and proclaims, “We stand with you, Side-Eye Girl.”

First off, I wouldn’t say that chick looks so much “horrified”, as contemplative-bordering-on-admirational. She’s all, “Hmmm…now why didn’t I think of that? Note to self: Sensible. Functional. GLORIOUS.”  An all-out Side-Eye, this is not (and I am a Side-Eye conoisseur, bishes). As far as the “we stand with you” part — speak for yourself, Joe!

To the contrary: Resourceful sunshine jeggings subway pole woman, we SALUTE you!

 

via NYMag.com

Thanks Char Char!

‘Hello’ Taiwan!

Hello_albumcover

Hello! Dawen here. When I wrote this I was blogging from thousands of feet up in the air, somewhere across the Pacific.  I can’t even begin to describe how it feels to be returning home to the States after being away for nearly two years. On Tuesday March 25th I’ll be joining Canadian singer-songwriter Wanting in Seattle, as part of the West Coast leg of her Say The Words Tour. We kicked it off in Los Angeles and continued to San Francisco and then Portland by tour bus.

Wantingtour
So how on earth did I get here?  It seems so unreal to me sometimes when I think about it. The short end of it: About three years ago, famed Taiwanese music producer Adia saw my cover of Bruno Mars’ “Just The Way You Are” (produced by my brother George Wang) on YouTube and passed it along to Universal Music Taiwan.  Universal Music then contacted me through YouTube to ask about my musical background. You can imagine how skeptical I was when I first received a message like that —  a short one sent through YouTube from someone claiming to be Universal. I thought it was a joke, initially. I soon realized that the inquiry was legitimate, and after extensive video chats and a trip to Taipei, I signed with Universal Music Taiwan in 2012.

Upon arriving in Taipei, the first thing I did was enroll in Chinese language class. Although I considered myself bilingual, I quickly realized that my conversational vocabulary was seriously lacking. And if my goal was to someday write lyrics as well as music in Chinese, I would have to improve my speaking and writing comprehension. I went to school for six months, all the while working to expand my fluency.  The following year was a series of personal and cultural developments that culminated in my debut Mandarin album Hello (Nihao) on Christmas Eve of last year.

Universal Taiwan

Hello is distinctly different from my indie album American Me. Nine of the album’s ten songs were written after moving to Taiwan and are in Mandarin. Writing in Mandarin also meant that I had to completely reconsider how I think about melody and how it relates to culture. At first I would write in English and translate it to Chinese, but often the result wasn’t very good — so I abandoned that method very early on (which goes to show that just because something sounds good in English, doesn’t necessarily mean that it will sound good in another language).

The title track ‘Hello’ was the first time I ever tried writing completely in Chinese, and you can hear how rudimentary and direct the lyrics are.  ;)  Musically, Hello features more acoustic Pop, in contrast to the R&B /Soul of American MeHello is not a complete 180 though, in terms of style. ‘Acid Rain’ features a groove that is very much in the vein of American Me, and my song ‘Shoes’ (the only English language track on the album) that I wrote for Kollaboration Acoustic 4 back in 2010  — was finally recorded and points to my earlier jazz-influenced piano style.

Dawen王大文-1

* * *
I do want to acknowledge how important the Asian American community has been to me and how grateful I am to each and every one of you who have supported me from all the beginning. A particular shout out goes to the blogosphere: Bicoastal Bitchin’, AngryAsianMan, 8Asians, A-Tunes, not to mention my fam at TaiwaneseAmerican.org, Kollaboration and Tuesday Night Project!! I love you guys and can’t wait to see you all.

Hello is out on iTunes and Spotify, so give it a listen when you get the chance. The other person I want to acknowledge is my older brother George. In addition to knowing me for as long as I’ve been alive, Geh has been my best friend and number one supporter, as well witness to all the past highs and lows. It’s safe to say that if he didn’t light that fire under my ass I would not be on this flight coming home. I couldn’t wait to land at LAX, meet my brother, smother Sweet Pea the dog, and take my shoes off when I got in the door.

Happy Holidaze from BCB

I was promised Damon Wayans.

Needs more Wayans

Season’s Greetings! Happy Kwanzaa! Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah! Joyous Festivus! Sing Daan Fai Lok!!

You've in general been a disappointment this year (again) but since you insist on staying single long past your expiration date (mHo! mHo! mHo!), I am obliged to give you some lay see cash.

You’ve in general been a disappointment this year (again) but since you insist on staying single long past your expiration date (mHo! mHo! mHo!) tradition dictates that I give you cold, hard cash.

May you have spike in your nog, a log in your yule, and after 7pm on the 25th — we’ll see you and your cousins at the club!

And for all of you (riffraff) attending SantaCon — or your obligatory company holiday party, may I suggest the following as part of your festive ensemble:

Insert Power first in upper right

Insert Power Fist in upper right

Party time!
Dance, I said. Get on up!

This Xmas Eve I’m looking forward to our yearly tradition of going to my godmother’s and getting tipsy on Andre’s and homemade rum cake, goaded into a James Brown Christmas dance-a-thon (I’m serious, no camcorders this year) and BLACK SANTAS EVERYWHERE all black everything black on black, blacks on blacks on blacks on blaaackkssssEAT IT Megyn Kelly! Black Santas RUN THIS TOWN.

santa-black-album

So on that note, Dear BCB readers, whatever color or creed your Santa or non-denominational holiday archetype may be, have a Soulful Xmas and Funky New Year!

America’s Porn Searches by Fetish, by State, and by Duration

I’m a big fan of infographics and this one may be the most fascinating one yet. Now we know what people are searching for on Pornhub (I’d probably say its THE most popular site for free, and paid, porn on the web) — and it’s aggregated BY STATE!

Now we know which states are into the most deviant shit (I’m looking at you Colorado, Kansas, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Tennessee, West Virginia; AKA the “Cream Pie” Belt), the most strangest stuff (“Anita Queen” is what-now, Nevada?), the most puzzling (Kentucky and “hentai”? Really?), the most indecisive (I’m looking at you “compilation” lovers), the most “Ebony”-loving Southern states (Yay Civil Rights(?)) and the most inexplicable (Mississippians’ site visit durations last the longest AND they’re most  into “teen” porn? That just seems wrong). Take a look at the map and go deeper (pun intended) into the statistical analysis (pun intended) here. The following is further commentary from AzN and Cbruhs in case you wanted to know what we think of “smoking”, “creampies” and the “ebony” loving south.

pornhub

Cbruhs: Hahaha “Asian” in Washington and California! “Hentai” in Kentucky LOLZ. And WTF is “Anita Queen”?

AzN: We are PROUD to be from Washington and California…I guess? Californians are into: “Asian”, “Teen”, “Massage”? Putting them all together is really really wrong tho. And I have no idea what “Anita Queen” is. I’m afraid to google it. Maybe it means “I need a QUEEN?”

Cbruhs: Just googlied it. I guess its a person?

AzN: Remind me never to visit any of the “compilation” or “creampie” states ever again. There must be a reason why they are also my least favorite states. And now I know why.

Cbruhs: WTH is “compilation”?

AzN: I don’t know. But if I were to guess, it’s a “compilation” of one thing that’s snippets from several scenes… For the quantity over quality types. (editor’s note: I totally know what “compilation” means)

Cbruhs: I just googled “cream pie” and it was not what I thought it was and I also threw up in my mouth then cried a little.

AzN: That’s just how you make babies! Or so I read on WebMD.

Cbruhs: Interesting that Utah has no data on this map. I heard that they’re the state that watches the most porn (Mormons). Also, Wyoming is into “smoking”? I don’t even wanna know. Dare we google it? Also, there are a LOT of “cream pie” states. I’m pretty terrified.

AzN: Maybe people are searching for “smoking” cause they don’t know what it is. (editor’s note: I totally know what this means too).

Cbruhs: Gawd, “Cream pie” must be the biggest euphemism ever.

AzN: It’s pretty literal dude. Its kinda a sick word now that I think about it. “CREAM PIE”.

Cbruhs: NO! IT’S NOT LITERAL! It is NOT a yummy treat! So…”smoking” is just people smoking while doing it? Wow, Wyoming is pretty tame compared to its neighbors.

AzN: It’s probably the worst porn on that list.

Cbruhs: I guess that depends on one’s definition of “worst”.  And smoking while doing it just sounds dangerous. ¡PERO CUIDADO! Don’t burn the house down!

AzN: Why is South Dakota the only state into “POV” (point of view) porn? Is it cause their daily lives are boring so they need to watch porn through someone else’s eyes?

Cbruhs: …

AzN: And Alabama, Georgia, and Louisiana are the only states into “ebony” porn? I would connect this to the 50th anniversary of the “I Have a Dream” speech somehow, but I don’t want to go to hell.

Cbruhs: You’ve crossed the line.