Archive for the AUDACITY Category

Okay, Chris Brown: “Fine China”

Posted in All Class, AUDACITY, Barf Me Out, booshit, DANGER!, Douchebaggary, Hilarity with tags , , , , on April 8, 2013 by Cbruhs

So “Fine China” — the new single by Chris “Forever (Flared Nostrils)” Brown — dropped last week. Which apparently, involves him stealing off with a triad boss’s daughter and gallivanting through the underworlds of Chinatown — rather than delicately sipping Lipton while getting hollered at by Mo’Nique on VH1′s Charm School, as I had hoped.

Because being romantically involved with an Asian girl always entails breaking her shackles of Asian male oppression, Chris the Fist also beats up an entire tong of Asian dudes. Just watch:

Uh, okay gurl. And what in Mongolian Izaac Mizrahi for Target hell is Ling (?!?) wearing? Is she really getting in the car with him? Best wear some shoes you can run in, girl.

The Difficult Brown can dress like a twink ventriloquist newsie all he wants, but “it’s alright, I’m not dangerous” is just not convincing me. And I’m normally a big fan of dance-fighting, but we’re supposed to believe a gold bowtie-wearing agitated beaver can whoop a whole Chinatown gang without even using his teeth?

The only redeeming quality about this video is Ling’s poopface at the 0:32 mark. That really says it all.

UPDATE: OK, I lied. The other redeeming quality about this video is the Octopus move at the 3:47 mark. I’m obsessed with it and have been consistently practicing in front of the mirror and loved ones since this posting, so I can bust it out at the club this weekend with my cousins (see you at Tia Lou’s!).

ALSO, the song has annoyingly been stuck in my head for days, and I’m gonna blame that on the blatant MJ rip-offs. It’s like they just took ‘Billie Jean’, threw it into a derivative remix app for iPhone — and donezo.

 

Buckwheat Groats: “Swag Like a Douchebag Racist”

Posted in Appropriation, AUDACITY, Douchebaggary, fucktards, Hipster Racism, Old white dudes with hawt young Asian chicks, white ppl booshit with tags , , on February 8, 2013 by Cbruhs

I’ve never heard of these assclowns “Buckwheat Groats” — but their video “Swag Like An Asian” definitely takes the cake for most racist, misogynistic, douchebagtastic, Yelloxploitation brick of turd I’ve seen in a hot minute. All in one fell swoop.

I can’t even watch this more than once because the lyrics and images make me wanna choke their fugly mugs with their own fur coats and rip the chunky one’s face pubes out with my bare hands and feed it to him. From the “Asian bitches” sucking on his diamond dick chain, to lines like: “put some nuts on your girl that’s my kung pao chickenhead”, there’s just so much to rage at.

No thanks white boys, y’all ain’t cute and you can keep your back-handed, fetishistic Asian “tribute”. And sorry, but a laundry list of pan-Asian stereotypes does not a good rap video make. The ability to wrap your ignant minds around that is some #SWAG you’ll never have.

And we’ve said it before and we’ll say again: HIPSTER RACISM IS STILL RACISM!!!

via Angry Asian Man

Worst Movie of Ever?

Posted in All Class, AUDACITY, Douchebaggary, Hipster Racism, white ppl booshit, WTF?! with tags , , , , , , , , on January 16, 2013 by Cbruhs

We at BCB think that racism can be hilarious, when it’s done right (see: W. Kamau Bell, Dave Chappelle, Hari Kondabolu, Negin Farsad, Stephen Colbert, Richard Pryor etc). But racism (and other -isms) just for racism’s sake — or its smug cousin, Hipster Racism — is just tired and lazy and ugly. And Buddha don’t like ugly. So she certainly would not care for this:

Seriously, was this written by a 9-year-old raised by Westboro Baptist and Jeff Dunham? What kind of drugs did they put in Sad Dachshund’s kibble to get him to go from an Academy Award to this? Is it weird to be equally offended and depressed that they topped it all off with an obnoxious cover of the Ramones?

Let’s organize a movement to ship Rob Schneider to some remote island where he can no longer be a threat to himself or anybody else with a shred of ethnic dignity. You go straight to hell, Schneider.

via Angry Asian Man

And I Slowly Fall to My Knees: ABDC Canceled

Posted in AUDACITY, booshit, Framdammit!, HAWTNESS, OMG FYI, This Will Make YOu Cry with tags , , , , , , , on November 14, 2012 by Cbruhs

Look what the evil MTV overlords hath wrought: the cancellation of the all-time most swagtastic reality show of ever (besides RuPaul’s Drag Race, duh): America’s Best Dance Crew! Nuhuhoooo!

It’s terrible, and it’s true. After 7 glorious seasons, BCB fave ABDC will light up our lives no longer. Along with mourning the loss of stereotype-busting, positively superfly Asian American representation on TV, I’m also shedding a nostalgic and grateful tear for the show that spotlighted so many of my future ex-husbands and fap fodder (notably Quest Crew’s Victor Kim and Ryan Feng, ya big smexy galoot).

We salute you, Jabbawockeez, Kaba Modern, Quest Crew, Poreotix, and all the other b-girls, b-boys, and APIA crazy leg shitkickers.

And I hate to admit it, but I’ll even miss Mario Lopez’s corny ass, with his singularly unique brand of teeth-grinding awkwardness combined with inappropriately tight jeans.

You will be missed but not forgotten, ABDC.

Thanks to Keith Chow!

Friday Fuckery: Chinatown/LES post-Sandy

Posted in AUDACITY, booshit, Friday Fuckery, This Will Make YOu Cry, WTF?! with tags , , , , , , on November 2, 2012 by Cbruhs

So my flight into New York this week was cancelled, and with my old roommate also out of town, I don’t have a solid idea of what state our Chinatown building is in (except that there is definitely a freezer-full of sausage and shrimp lying in wait). Like much of the country, I’ve been obsessively monitoring the news and interwebs this whole week, trying to get a grasp of the scale of mayhem (or for those Uptown, lack thereof).

What has become painfully clear is that not only were some areas devastated beyond recognition (Staten Island, Breezy Point in Queens, Lower East Side, Coney Island), some have also been virtually ignored by authorities in the relief efforts. While it certainly hasn’t suffered the same structural damage and loss of life, one community that has experienced gross inequities in post-Sandy recovery includes — SURPRISE! — Chinatown.

While lower Manhattan has been without without power all week, Chinatown and the LES have also suffered water shutoffs in public housing, food shortages, and a huge vacuum of information from officials about just what the fuck to expect next. While people wait in endless lines for help, FEMA and city officials have for the most part been conspicuously absent.

Thank effing goodness for CAAAV: Organizing Asian Communities, which has been the only organization to address the dire and immediate needs of the community. CAAAV became first responders by providing phone charging, in-language information, food, batteries, and mercifully — a system to check up on elders and the disabled in high rise buildings who are cold, hungry, and in the dark — stuck in their buildings without working elevators. Meanwhile, just next door, Wall Street has Xmas lights lit up in the streets.

As CAAAV leadership well understands, this isn’t the first time Chinatown has clearly not been a governmental priority for recovery efforts (9/11), and it likely won’t be the last. Thankfully, many volunteers have showed up to make donations and drop off supplies. Check out updates from CAAAV on relief efforts and needs here, and if you can’t go in person, please consider making a donation.

Let’s demonstrate to the people of Chinatown and LES that we care about them, even if Bloomberg and the NYC hypercapitalist, profit-driven agenda don’t seem to give two shits about immigrants and people of color, the working class, and New York’s most vulnerable residents.

Ralph Lauren’s USA Outfits are Made in China!

Posted in AUDACITY with tags , , , , , , , on July 29, 2012 by aznheartthrob

OH NO! Team USA outfits for the 2012 Olympics are Made in China! Did you know that? Isn’t that crazy? I mean, look how AMERICAN this looks. Hey can we include a photo of 3 dudes dressed like they’re going to America’s Cup as if it was still in Newport, Rhode Island and not the way the socialists in San Francisco will mess up the all-American tradition of a multi-million dollar yacht race? And oh yea, can you make one of the dudes Black? Oh shit, I forgot to ask for a female, I mean a girl on there. Shit, I mean a woman. Oh well, we’ll just photoshop one on there. Make sure she’s blonde though, and make sure there’s at least one white guy in between her and the Black guy. 

So yea, this is AMERICA folks. We should be wearing outfits MADE BY AMERICANS and DESIGNED BY AMERICANS. From when the first discus was thrown by a naked American at the first Olympics to the very last ping pong smashed by AMERICANS. umm, what did you say? All the American ping pong players are chineses what?. Wait, I didn’t mean Ping Pong, I meant SWIMMING. Yes, the very last stroke. So now to end… 

DUDE. Why did you just post this picture of a speed skator from Japan. What? He’s American? But look at his… Whatever, AT LEAST he’s wearing ALL-AMERICAN clothing. Look at the giant USA on his hat! Hey, can you look up that clothing brand on his vest? I don’t think I’ve seen a Roots retail store before. No, I have never been to LA, Denver, Utah, Detroit, do you think I’m crazy enough to leave the Bible Belt? What do you mean Roots is a Canadian brand that dropped the Canada in the Roots Canada brand to design Team USA outfits before Ralph Lauren got the contract? But at the very least the outfits are MADE in the US, yea? What? Roots Canada manufactures in India, Peru, China, Vietnam AND the United States? Hmm. Well, I’m sure the clothes were made in the US because the USOC Director of Licensing and Merchandising cares deeply about these issues. 

“It’s a very hip and progressive brand, with a great connection to youth and athletics,” said Chester Wheeler, the USOC’s director of licensing and merchandising. “I don’t think it really makes a difference where the clothes are manufactured. The important thing is that they supply our athletes with clothing that makes them proud to walk through the stadium.” -2001. 

Hmmm. Well, I kinda like Canadians more than the Chinese. Canadians at least look more like us than the Chinese do, which is probably why I didn’t get upset in 2002… 

Friday Fuckery: Konichiwerk

Posted in Appropriation, AUDACITY, Friday Fuckery, Hipster Racism, please!, white ppl booshit with tags , , on July 27, 2012 by Cbruhs

It’s no secret that my veneration for drag queens, throwin’ shade, and yes, ovahness — is near unconditional (and borderline obsessive)…but GRRROOOOOAAAANNNNN.

Dude’s like one step away from yellow face. And if we’re getting technical here, there’s many things one could point out about this video (besides Mike Diamond) that aren’t Japanese, one of which is — it’s filmed in CHINATOWN. And can we please just slaughter and bury that chopsocky font please!?! KonichiDON’T.

Thanks Princess Char Char!

America’s Second Greatest Enemy is China

Posted in AUDACITY with tags , , , , , , on July 10, 2012 by aznheartthrob

America is dumb. Full of idiots. How else can you explain this gallup poll? Iran? We’re at war with two of the countries on this list and we have Iran as number one? Is the war hype machine in full effect for the NEXT NEXT war? Are we always about the NEW NEW? Does America think Operation Iraqi Freedom and Operation Enduring Freedom are OVER (GOD I HATE THE NAMES OF THESE WARS, can’t we just name them what they are? Operation Attack the Gas Station II and Operation Death Wish: The Impending Revenge)? 118 soldiers were killed in 2012 and the majority of the soldiers killed in both wars are from my great state! (side-note, props to Texas A&M for their human wall to protect the burial of a solider/alumni killed at Ft. Bragg from anti-gay protestors).

So now let’s get to the meat of this graph cause I came to the rodeo to talk about numero dos and numero tres. CHINA? SERIOUSLY? China, as in Hong Kong, China, as in where you go for $200 cups of f’n tea on a roof garden CHINA? China as in TOM CRUISE just shot Mission Impossible in China, China? China, as in where they make my iPhone and iPad, and uh, everything else, China? China, as in our second greatest trading partner China? That’s not even the most f’d up thing about this list. You wanna know how I know this is about RACE and not about international politics? See number 3 on the threat list? And then take a look at the actual list.

NORTH KOREA/KOREA (nonspecific). NORTH KOREA SLASH KOREA NONSPECIFIC? As in people just said KOREA? Or Koreans? Or goddamn Koreans? If they specified gooks would it be listed as Vietnam and then on the “other” list? A few of them must have answered with “GODDAMN JAPS” cause Japan is right there on this list as numero 9. Right under “United States Itself”. Smart move hippies. Very clever. And if you’re keeping score at home, Japan is our 4th biggest trading partner and (unspecified) Korea, but I’m going to say South Korea, is our 7th biggest trading partner.

I hope to GOD this survey was done in the middle of a weekday to homes in states with cardinal directions in their names (that would be North, South, and West for geography majors). How else can you ‘splain this nonsense?

Friday Fuckery: Chinatown “Gambling Raid”

Posted in All Class, AUDACITY, Blame China!, booshit, Douchebaggary, Friday Fuckery, fucktards, Racism Round-Up, WTF?! with tags , , , , , , on July 6, 2012 by Cbruhs

photo by Michael Appleton for the NYT

The illustrious NYPD, in partnership with the equally humanitarian Immigration & Customs Enforcement (ICE), recently raided a building in East Chinatown — which houses many hometown associations, shops, and even medicinal practitioners — in what they called a “crackdown on a hive of criminality”. Read the rather ridiculous details here.

Although they claim that the cash confiscated is proof that the laborers and retired workers mainly from Fujian province are linked to a Chinese criminal gang and part of “one of the largest illegal gambling operations uncovered in New York City’s recent history”, maybe these folks just like some down time between grueling jobs to play some social low-stakes games of mah jong, cards, and pool. Y’know, like Christmas at yo auntie’s house.

Some real shady, hardcore criminal activity right here. That Pau Pau is just LOADED with nickels.

In addition to confiscating mah jong tables, the authorities took a few thousand dollars from a safe and off of folks playing in one hometown association’s small office. They reason that cash found in this raid, along with similar raids, just goes to show that that illegal gambling is goin’ down. But among a population of immigrants who are often unbanked, get paid in cash, and may operate mutual assistance-type lending circles for those down on their luck, you’re not going to find a lot of checks and platinum cards. Which means that some of these folks may have just been carrying their day’s wages on them, which then got snatched up by the authorities as evidence of their criminality.

Authorities also raided the building because of “illegal medical care:”

In the recent raid, officials arrested two men in an office behind an unmarked door on the fourth floor. The men, Qiu Jiaxi, 67, and his son, Qiu Lu Hui, 38, were “examining and treating patients by injecting them with unknown substances and giving them a variety of unidentified pills,” the New York attorney general, Eric T. Schneiderman, said in a statement. They “lured unsuspecting patients into their office and put their greed before the health and safety of their victims.

Why does this read like a pulpy fiction from the ’40s featuring a jaundiced Chinaman with long queue and fingernails on the cover? THEY’RE COMING AFTER YOUR WHITE WOMEN NEXT!!

“The Qius were charged with unauthorized practice of a profession, a felony, and face up to four years in prison...but he said that he had studied acupuncture and Chinese traditional medicine in China and in New Jersey, and that his father had been trained in China. Both, he said, had excellent reputations in the New York diaspora as well as in Fujian Province…“Coming to see us is the only option for them,” he said. The Qius stopped practicing after their arrests but returned to their office. During the interview, a stream of patients stopped by, but the Qius apologized and turned them away.”

It’s called fucking Chinese medicine, dipshits! Folk remedies, homeopathy, alternative medicine…whatever you want to call it. While it may not be offered at Beth Israel, hippy white people pay a lot of money to study it in naturopathic school, so just chill out let these poor people without health insurance get the type of care they’ve consented to and have probably been familiar with their whole lives.

Unfortunately, federal officials are continuing to investigate these “gangs”, and the US attorney in Manhattan has sued for forfeiture of the building. While the leaseholder doesn’t believe there was any wrongdoing in the building, he still plans to clear out the hometown associations because of all the attention they’ve received from the authorities.

I wouldn’t be surprised if this is all a front to kick residents out and take over the building to build condos in what is fast becoming highly sought-after real estate. I can’t believe in this day and age, and in a city that prides itself on being the most diverse in the nation, stretched taxpayer dollars are going towards harassing old immigrants playing mahjong, confiscating their meager wages, and denying limited English speakers their traditional medicinal practices. You don’t see NYPD and ICE swooping in on old Jewish ladies in Forest Hills playing American Mahjong, or busting in on Wall Street types playing cards and betting on fantasy football in cigar rooms.

The NYT article is tepidly, diplomatically titled: “Chinatown Gambling Raid May Reveal Cultural Divide”. No shit. How about: “Dick Moves All Around, With Racial Fuckery At Its Finest”.

via NYT

Congrats to Erik Spoelstra

Posted in AUDACITY, Awesomeness with tags , , , , , , , , , on June 23, 2012 by aznheartthrob

First of all. Fuck Cleveland. You had 5+ years with LeBron James and its not your fault no one wanted to go there to help him out. Your city is dropping in population ,there’s less than 400,000 people there, and its not going to get any better. You shouldn’t be surprised the man didn’t want to stay in Ohio, where he was born and raised. Just to put your city in perspective, your city is smaller than Fremont, CA, which is the 4th largest city in the Bay and that city doesn’t have the Browns and Cavs and don’t get me fucking started on why you shouldn’t have a baseball team cause the last time I checked your team is called the Cleveland Indians and your logo is like a cowboy’s bullet in the head, from the MFing 1800′s.

Indians. Really? Its 2012

The Grizzlies and Warriors were bought by Bay Area owners. Seattle’s trying to get a team on the back of a San Francisco hedge fund manager and the Bay Area’s Larry Ellison has unsuccessfully tried to buy the last 3 teams on sale. So, yea, Cleveland, don’t tell me you deserve LeBron James, cause you don’t even deserve professional sports. Haters gonna hate!

Now, on to what I wanted to speak on. Erik Spoelstra’s been through a lot, and I wanted to remind folks about how Filipino this man is. For God sakes, he speaks Tagalog which means he’s more Filipino than 99% of my friends. And if you want to learn more about his Filipino heritage, I can’t do better than this Grantland article. And you should also read this article about his pro basketball career, cause this man’s done so much at such a young age. AND he’s a Manny Pacquiao fan. No matter what you feel about LeBron, you gotta respect Spoelstra. And if you’re a hater that says he only one cause he has the big three, the last time I checked, Chris Bosh ain’t shit and the Big 3 Celtics have a total of ONE championship.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 861 other followers