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Stop Bad Hollywood Films Before They Are Conceived

Posted in Appropriation, AUDACITY with tags , , , , , , , , , on December 15, 2011 by aznheartthrob

I guess there’s something called The Black List? It rates all the best scripts just optioned by studios to be green lit into Hollywood shit movies.  Why am I talking about this? Cause I think Asian America wasn’t able to react to the Last Samurais and Avatars fast enough to kill the eggs before the chicken hatched (or is it the other way around??). So I propose we start with the scripts! Right when they’re bought by the major Hollywood studios and churned into The Hangover 2. Where to begin… in no particular order, from the 2011 Black List of scripts coming to a big screen near you:

“The Outsider” by Andrew Baldwin

In post-World War II Japan, an American former prisoner of war rises in the yakuza.

(Agency: Creative Artists Agency — Jay Baker, John Garvey, Manager: Anonymous Content — Bard Dorros, David Kanter, Producers: Linson Entertainment for Warner Bros.)

Seriously? Is this going to happen? First it was Dances with Wolves, then it was Last Samurai and then Avatar. And now this? When will Hollywood stop with A-White-Guy-can-do-anything-a-person-of-color-can-do-better story line. I get it. The White man can kill ninjas and mate with their tails better than a yellow/brown/blue person can. But seriously? A P.O.W. becomes a Yakuza? Its even hard for a JAPANESE person to get into the Yakuza. You think the “American” former prisoner is going to be an ABC or a Filipino guy? HELL NO. He’ll be Ryan Gosling. PLUS, I guess this movie has already been made with that dude from The Road.

“Bad Words” by Andrew Dodge

The bastard child of the organizer of the national spelling bee gets his revenge by finding a loophole and attempting to win the bee as an adult, only to find friendship in a young Indian contestant.

(Agency: UTA — Carolyn Sivitz, Manager: Fourth Floor Productions — Jeff Silver, Producers: MXN and Darko Productions)

Can we see our South Asian folks as anything other than spelling bee champs or telecom workers from Outsourced or Outsourced (and how did they make a show AND a movie with the same title and same plot?!). There’s no way this can be better than Rocket Science. Only more racist. Don’t try it. UNLESS the lead character is Chinese or Pakistani. But then Middle American heads will exploded.

“Home by Christmas — Bob Hope in Korea” by Ben Schwartz

Young Larry Gelbart goes on tour with his idol Bob Hope in the middle of the Korean War and learns the true price of heroism.

(Agency: The Nethercott Agency — Gayla Nethercott, Producer: Jon Shestack Productions)

I just want to be an extra in this movie cause somewhere in the San Gabriel Mountains or Temecula will be used as a stand-in for Korea and I want to be there with a bunch of KAs from LA in war uniforms going through bootcamp. Who am I kidding, they’ll be using Filipino and Vietnamese extras too. Watch out for Ryan Gosling in make-up as Bob Hope. Or he can play Larry Gelbert. Or a Korean drill sergeant. Or anything he damn well pleases to play!

“Django Unchained” by Quentin Tarantino

A freed slave named Django is trained as a bounty hunter by a German dentist named Schultz, and the two men set out to find Django’s enslaved wife.

(Agency: WME — Mike Simpson, Producers: Weinstein Co. producing for a co-release between Weinstein and Sony Pictures)

If there’s two things I’ve learned from Quentin Tarantino from everything he’s done lately, its that he likes to exploit Black folks (its OK cause there’s a cool film noir word for these types of movies: Blaxploitation) and he likes killing Germans on screen. As long as he stays away from David Carradine as a karate master and Lucy Liu as a Japanese geisha/ninja, I’m cool with it. Sorry everyone else! Every race of itself!

I’m such a hater. I know. So what movies AM I looking forward to? Peep the following movies. I purposely didn’t include ALL the zombie movies I wanna see cause that’s a whole other post and would be a never-ending blog post.

“Maggie” by John Scott 3

As a “walking dead” virus spreads across the country, a farm family helps their eldest daughter come to terms with her infection as she slowly becomes a flesh-eating zombie.

(Agency: Creative Artists Agency: Billy Hawkins, Dan Rabinow, Manager: Trevor Kaufman, Producer: Pierre-Ange Le Pogam)

One word: Zombies. They’re the new hipster rom-dramedy.

“Flarsky” by Daniel Sterling

A political journalist courts his old babysitter, who is now the secretary of State.

(Agency: UTA — Julien Thuan, Producers: Point Grey Pictures)

What? I just wanna see this cause in 13 words the writer set up a crazy ass plot. Peep Ryan Gosling as the political journalist. With Ashley Judd as the Secretary of State. Or the other way around if you apply the right make-up.

So what have we learned from all this? Hollywood is racist and Ryan Gosling can play anyone anywhere. If he puts his mind into it.

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The Mao of Steph

Posted in Appropriation, Awesomeness, Uncategorized with tags , on December 8, 2011 by aznheartthrob

My favorite NBA player in China dropping a little knowledge from The Mao Of Steph:

Marbury says his buddies just don’t understand the difference between Chinese food from China and the Chinese food Americans eat back home. You think that’s Chinese from the corner store, but that’s not Chinese food,” he said. “I’m telling you because I live there.”

And a Moment of Zen with Starbury:

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Friday Fuckery: CHUMBO, NYC!

Posted in Appropriation, AUDACITY, Douchebaggary, Friday Fuckery, Hipster Racism, Inconsiderate-ness, This Will Make YOu Cry with tags , , , , on December 2, 2011 by Cbruhs

What do you get when you marry gentrification with self-absorbed “creative types” and a splash of exotification?

CHUMBO! NYC’s latest “cool” neighborhood (sorry Bushwick)! Known among the common folk as uh, Chinatown or East Chinatown — new settlers (read: high-rent, non-Asian, yipsters) have taken it upon themselves to unofficially re-name their new “hood” by combining Chinatown & Dumbo to reflect it’s um, edginess. Synergy!

A recent Wall Street Journal article called “Cool Arrives in a Slice of Chinatown” gives an earnest nod to the up-and-coming CHUMBO!, saying: “Upscale restaurants such as Fat Radish and Pulqueria and nightclubs such as the soon-to-open Le Baron have popped up as the Lower East Side nightlife district spills into Chinatown, bringing with them fashionistas, expensive cocktails and new high-rise apartments” (Curbed gives a more critical angle here).

The WSJ also profiles several of the newer residents, who naturally come off like pretentious douchebags. Billy Rennekamp, a 25-year-old artist who decided to move to Bayard Street (arrrrghh!! nooo!) from Berlin, says “[Chinatown] is the last cool neighborhood on the island (Gaakk!)….the most attractive place for an artist today”. (BLARG!) “It’s a typical setting for avant-garde activity.” FFFFFUUUUU!

Yes, I can just imagine Billy being totally avant-garde by shoving his Canon EOS IDs Mark III into the face of some old Pau Pau struggling across Bayard with her sacks of groceries. White people love doing that shit. Cutting-edge cultural exposé, dude!

Uh, your avant-ness is blocking traffic, Billy.

So who loses in all of this giddy trendiness? Low-income, longtime Asian residents of course, who due to limited English, mobility, poverty, and a host of other reasons, are severely restricted in their choice of places to live. The most obvious, and thus saddest, quote from the article is from Yan Chen, “a 19-year-old resident concerned about being able to live in the neighborhood and with people she grew up with: “Chinatown is important for Chinese people“.

What can be done to protect the ethnic integrity of a neighborhood, and thus the people whose cultural and economic well-being are dependent upon it? Community-based advocacy groups CAAAV Organizing Asian Communities and the Urban Justice Center released a report yesterday  that: ...offers up an alternative vision for rezoning Chinatown and calls for the creation of a Special Zoning District around the area. “Reimaging Rezoning” is based on extensive community research…The report highlights the need for protections for residents and businesses and details how rezoning the area can curb harassment and gentrification. Read “Reimaging Rezoning: A Chinatown for Residents is a Chinatown for All” here.

via Curbed and Wall Street Journal

Thanks Char Char! Keep an eye out and a bottle of hot fish sauce for Billy!

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Friday Fuckery: Forever 21′s Oriental/Native Girl Joorees

Posted in Appropriation, AUDACITY, Friday Fuckery, Hipster Racism with tags , , , on November 4, 2011 by Cbruhs

Clothing giant Forever 21, owned by the Chang family (who BTW are devout Christians…check the John 3:16 printed on the bottom of each bag), is no stranger to controversy. They’ve been boycotted by factory workers for poor working conditions and back payroll, featured in the sweatshop documentary Made in L.A., and even sued by Gwen Stefani for ripping off her Harajuku Lovers designs (O, the irony!).

More recently, they’ve been called out for selling apparel that is sexist or plays on racial stereotypes and motifs, such as “Navajo” panties and bags (following suit with Urban Outfitters). Apparently, Forever has no intention of curbing this sort of merch, as Fashionista‘s Dhani Mau  spotted Native American girl and “Oriental Girl” necklaces just this week. One woman has started a petition to remove the necklace — which is for serious called “Oriental Girl”– here).

images via Fashionista

A quick browse of the Forever 21 site turns up other similarly questionable items:

This makes me sad. Aside from the obvious reasons, Forever is like, one out of three places I ever shop. Get your shit together Forever, so I can buy my cheap poly-blend threads guilt-free!

Thanks Char Char!

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We’re a Culture, Not a Costume

Posted in Appropriation, Awesomeness, For Your Consideration, Hipster Racism with tags , , , , on October 28, 2011 by Cbruhs

Since we’re about to head down the tunnel of fuckery that is Halloween weekend (and just in case you haven’t heard of it yet), I wanted to give some extra shine to the  “We’re a Culture, Not a Costume” campaign.

Maybe you and your friends have been bitching for years about racist costumes, or feeling a sense of dread every October in anticipation that there will always, ALWAYS be at least one person who has to show up to the party in black face or as a polyester geisha or sheik or Cherokee princess trashbag.

Well, an Ohio University student group called STARS (Students Teaching About Racism in Society) took action — creating an educational campaign that is elegantly rendered, to the point, and includes a diversity of ethnicities that are mimicked every Hallow’s Eve. The campaign has hit a nerve, quickly going viral on social media and attracting national press.


So this Halloween, if you see some trick in a rice paddy hat, instead of sputtering clumsily or throwing your middle finger in their face (like I did last year), you’ll have a wonderful, pithy slogan to summon: “We’re a culture, not a costume…dickweed!” (Dickweed optional. I guess).

See all the awesome campaign posters here

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X Factor’s Johnny Robinson Kylie Geisha WTF Tribute

Posted in All Class, Appropriation, AUDACITY, white ppl booshit, WTF?! with tags , , , , , on October 17, 2011 by Cbruhs

When I first watched this clip, I was totally rooting for Johnny Robinson — a contestant on the X-Factor UK. His snappy gold-breasted blazer/space hooker fashions, bitchy comebacks (“It costs a lot to look this cheap, Gary”), and inability to understand Twitter (also note the one-fingered typing) endeared him to my own catty, technololology-challenged heart. Plus, he was gonna do a Kylie cover, you guys! That is, until I saw the actual performance:

Oh, hell. This old queen went and pulled an Aneka! What is it about Kylie’s music that led Johnny to make this um, artistic choice, exactly? As far as the Oriental-ized backup dancers, I don’t think tippy-toeing around with palms pressed together and flapping a fan around their faces like they’re in a production of Madame Butterfly should count as legit choreography. And the eyeliner looks like it was smeared on with an old Sharpie. How I wish Johnny had just tried to re-create the costumes from the original version, tits out and all:

Much better.

Although, if there is one redeeming quality to this cringefest, it’s Johnny hollerin out “VOGUE!” at the end.

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O! My Japanese Boy

Posted in Appropriation, AUDACITY, Barf Me Out, Bitch please!, white ppl booshit with tags , , on October 3, 2011 by Cbruhs

Wow, you don’t usually see pop music fetishizing Asian men as much as you do Asian women (Bowie’s “China Girl”, Gwen Stefani’s silent Harajuku army, Travie McCoy’s “Need You” Music vid etc. etc.), but ’80s Scottish singer Aneka — aka Mary Sandeman — could serve up the cringe with the best of them, as seen in her 1981 hit single “Japanese Boy” (which sold 5 million copies worldwide):

Aneka was definitely in keeping with the rich tradition of Yellowface: geisha outfits, china doll wigs (the wig-on-a-wig effect is giving us Nicki Minaj realness), and lots of random bowing and janky hand gestures.

Nice job Aneka, but where are all the ASIAN MEN? For an ode to a Japanese loverboy, their conspicuous absence shows that Aneka was more interested in a self-indulgent fantasy costume party than trotting out a bunch of half-nekkid Asian mens in sumo suits (almost a pity, that).

Also, I’m having some trouble making out the deeply incisive lyrics about transnationalism and interracial relations….I don’t know if that’s because Aneka’s supplementing her “singing” with some fakey Japanese accent, if it’s her real Scottish accent, or just ’80s production quality.

Apparently, after her brief stint in the ’80s, Aneka retired from dance pop to sing traditional Scottish music. Yeah, best to kowtow your way out of this Rogers & Hammerstein fuckery and stick with what you know, Aneka-san.

via Dlisted

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Friday Fuckery: Southeast Asian Cuisine by Chipotle

Posted in Appropriation, AUDACITY, For Your Consideration, Friday Fuckery with tags , , , on September 16, 2011 by Cbruhs

photo by Jamie R. Liu/DCist

Chipotle, the national burrito chain seen across the street from every frickin’ college campus, is expanding its model into Southeast Asian food. Its new venture (with the first location in DC) is called ShopHouse Southeast Asian Kitchen. And like its father company, ShopHouse will feature quick, viewable, assembly-line preparation.

Jamie R. Liu/DCist

From a DCist review:

Diners can choose between two entree styles: bowls ($6.59-7.50) and banh mi ($6.14-7.05). The protein selections include grilled chicken satay, pork and chicken meatballs, grilled steak or organic tofu. For those who select bowls, this is nestled atop your choice of jasmine rice, brown rice or rice noodles. This is then accompanied by a vegetable, sauce, garnish and topping. The banh mi in its baguette is topped with green papaya slaw, mint and crushed peanuts. You can then drink up on BeerLao, Singha, Chang, and Dogfish Head 60 Minute or the usual selection of granola-y ginger ales, iced tea or young coconut water.

Jamie R. Liu/DCist

Looks like another establishment is trying to hop on the banh mi bandwagon ($7 bucks?! Seriously? Even the banh mi at Michael Bao Huynh’s fancy-schmanse NY-based Baoguette are $5 to $8).

And maybe I’m being a total snob, but I never got into Chipotle and its cafeteria-like, causal-cum-healthy dining approach. I know it uses “naturally-raised meats” and shit, but I’d rather just go to a local taco truck or family Mexican joint (or shit, even Taco Bell if my system demands fast food). Likewise, I think I’d rather support a better, cheaper (and Asian-owned) Viet deli or restaurant than a company that reminds me of Subway.

via Gothamist and DCist

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Friday Fuckery: Ghosts with Shit Jobs

Posted in Appropriation, AUDACITY, Blame China!, Friday Fuckery, Hipster Racism with tags , , , , on September 2, 2011 by Cbruhs

I recently saw this video “Ghosts with Shit Jobs” made by a group called No Media Kings  — and although this “peek into the future” is an interesting concept, the more I think about it, the more underhandedly racist it seems.

Yes, maybe the bankruptcy and economic submission of the US is a real possibility in the near future, and we will no longer occupy the role of world superpower that we take for granted. But this video appears to place the blame for this dystopia squarely on “The East”  – aka China.

In typical ethnocentric fashion, the video focuses on a scapegoat for America’s financial woes, instead of looking inward. What about the years of criminal conduct and deregulation of Wall Street that culminated in an economic shitstorm, and the subsequent government bail-out of Big Banks? The regressive fiscal policies that fail to tax the super-wealthy (they can’t be expected to pay tax on their corporate jets! That’s infringement on their RIGHT to be filthy rich!) while slashing education and social services and suffocating the working and middle class. Or the $$$ pumped into “wars on terror” in the Middle East ($1.2 trillion and counting) that seem to have no end in sight?

But it’s so much easier to point the finger at cold, ruthless CHINA — never mind that their economic growth is largely due to supplying the demands of US consumers (and Chinese factory workers have been too often exploited by US companies, such as Apple).

And when an economic recession hits, it’s largely people of color and immigrants who are the most vulnerable and most impacted — by foreclosure, unemployment, cuts to services, and all the problems that come along with the widening wealth gap between whites and everyone else. Where are all the brown folks in this video? None to be seen. Only hipster/yuppie types. The only non-whites portrayed are the distant, icy Chinese who are somehow responsible for the deplorable conditions of White Americans.

And guess what — people of color and immigrants have disproportionately  had to do (as they have done ever since the beginning of US history) “shit jobs”…but somehow it’s a tragedy when “ghosts” have to do them?

Nice try guys, but I’m not buying this white-centric, Team USA fuckery.

Thanks Cynthia Liu!

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Friday Fuckery: This White Guy Fantasy Brought to You by Heineken

Posted in Appropriation, AUDACITY, Barf Me Out, Bitch please!, Friday Fuckery, white ppl booshit with tags , , , on July 8, 2011 by Cbruhs

Oh, fer Chrissakes. Here we go — a little peek into a white guy’s wet dream — with the well-worn theme of White Knight out-Asianing the Asians (see Last Samurai, Shogun) or out-Indianing the Indians (see Dances With Wolves, Avatar, A Man Called Horse, etc etc ad nauseam).

Chad here is gonna take his comely Asian date on a magical whirlwind tour of Chinatown (is it her own neighborhood? No matter! He is more IN THE KNOW and will thus access and unlock an exotic, underground side she’s never experienced!).

Not only will he charm the pants off her, he will also show the cooks how to do their job. First, to demonstrate that he is totally DOWN with Chef YanCanCook, he’ll make sure to greet his Chinatown bros in the customary, culturally-sensitive fashion: palms together. But Aha! Chad will then school and amaze them by karate-chopping veggies faster than Benihana’s Rocky Aoki!

As Chad is also quite the international playboy, he’ll be repeatedly ogled and groped at by a gauntlet of bejeweled women as he makes his way through the club.  His date, meanwhile, is unable to maneuver on her own, so Chad must whisk her around and protect her from all the hustle and bustle of Asiaville. To make sure we REALLY GET that Chad is WINNING here, viewers are treated to about seven shots of her breathlessly gazing at him with equal parts hero worship and lusty bedroom eyes.

Yes, it’s a stylish, well-produced commercial, but I still sprained my eyeballs from rolling them so hard. While watching a Chris Martin look-alike be King for a Day in Anonymous Exotic Asiatown doesn’t make me want to pour Heineken down my throat, it probably works on their intended demographic. Heineken is such a skunky, shitty beer that apparently it has to indulge ridiculous white dude fantasies to seem appealing. Both are puke-inducing if ya ask me.

Thanks Char Char!

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