Seriously. You watch that trailer and then find out the movie was directed by Zach Snyder of 300 fame and you think there’s no way it could suck. Then you find out Jamie Chung is in it and ready to kick ass with three swords and five guns. NO F’N WAY IT COULD SUCK RIGHT?
(SPOILER ALERTS!!!!!!! I hate writing shit that has spoiler alerts but there’s no way I could vent my anger without revealing two major plot points.)
But seriously, this movie sucked. It looks great, yes. But come on. I can usually defend a movie I kinda like, but I can’t defend this shit. Zach Snyder was seriously high watching Inception when he wrote this mess. He was also probably trying to figure out a way to set back the feminist movement by 2 decades while he was rolling a joint and jotting down notes for his reality within a reality within a reality plot. I’m going to break down the following two spoilers/Sucker Punch fails to explain why I didn’t agree to promoting a contest to give BcB readers free schwag after watching this.
1. Jamie Chung. WHAT A FUCKING WASTE. This girl has spent the last 4 years training for this movie. Between all the ka-ra-te she’s learned and that lean (I mean lean) body, she can literally kick my ass. I’ve seen her. In person. She’s lean. But what does Zach Snyder have her do? PILOT A FUCKING PLANE/HELICOPTER through the whole movie while the other 4 actresses, who spent “months” training for this role, get all the glory. Oh, and guess what, Jamie get’s clocked in the face halfway through the movie. DIES. DEAD. Spoiler. I almost walked the FUCK out. Does Zach have to kill ALL the Asians in a movie filled with white people? Vanessa Hudgens and Jamie Chung, all dead within 2 seconds of each other. I’m still bitter.
2. The reality within a reality within a reality thing was great. If I already hadn’t seen Inception. But imagine Inception if Leonardo DiCaprio was LAME for two out of three of those dreams. Cause that’s what Sucker Punch was like. The women were powerless in two of those realities, patients in an insane asylum in one reality and burlesque dancing slaves in the second. (somewhere a 13-year old is masterbating). The trailer focuses entirely on the third reality which was 1/3 of the movie. Seriously, I would love to hear what our female readers would like to say about this movie. Cause it was excruciatingly frustrating to watch 2/3 of this movie. Could Zach have seriously just made a badass action film where the women just owned the men for most of the film instead of getting killed left and right? I don’t even know how to end this. So I’ll just stop. And maybe pray for no sequels. And maybe also for Zach Snyder to get his Writer’s Guild membership taken away and replaced with a Directors Guild membership that allows him to only direct adapted screenplays like Watchmen.