Friday Fuckery: This Ain’t Kosher

Now, I understand many of us enjoy a refreshing dill pickle now and again, but this is just grody.

 pickle

From the latest advertising campaign by Heeb Media for Guss’ Pickles in New York state. Given that this is an ad produced by a Jewish agency, for a Jewish kosher food business, and currently featured in a Jewish publication (Heeb Magazine), would it have been so out of the question to use a Jewish model as well?

So why’s it gotta be a naked Asian Chick? I’m just sayin’ — with such an identity-specific demographic, the creators had to make a pretty intentional creative choice here. And I’m not even gonna get into the whole Jewish guy-Asian girl thing right now. I’ll just point out the tastefully rendered juice dribbling down her chin and her need to be shirtless in order to consume a vegetable. Thanks Guss/Heeb Media, in addition to absolutely ruining my appetite for pickles, you’ve made it unlikely that I can ever comfortably eat one in public again. Thanks a lot.

Never Visit Paris (Texas)

It’s almost comical to think that because we now have a Black man in DC, all of a sudden racism ended throughout the country. I guess those who believe in that have never heard of Paris, Texas. Now Texas in general is a scary ass place for me. I’ve been there a few times (layovers count), but to read the shit that goes on in Paris, Texas is f’n ridiculous. It’s like the 60s never ended in that place. A few years ago in Paris, a 15 year old Black girl was sentence to 7 years in juvenile detention for shoving a f’n hall monitor at school. In that same breadth, by the same judge, in that same city, some little white girl was given probation for burning down her parents’ house. Ain’t that some shit.

So of course, when 24 year old Brandon McClelland was dragged James Byrd style , back in September of last year, it shouldn’t surprise us that the special prosecutor said no charges would be filed against the two white boys because of lack of evidence. But the shit that should really get your blood boiling is those f’n skinheads who showed face at a protest condemning the decision to drop the murder charges. POC get the hell out of Paris, Texas. Seriously, come to the Bay…we got some ignorant SOB’s here too (like in Palo Alto) but at least their shit is more subtle- they’ll just call us gooks and goons in the privacy of their own homes.

Kennedy in China

Don’t ask me how I find these YouTube “celebrities”, and I’m sorry in advance if this is old hat (cause she was on NBC’s Today Show during the Beijing Olympics).  But I had to give Su Fei, aka Anna Sophie Loewenberg, some attention cause she’s a cross between Sarah Jessica Parker and ex-MTV VJ Kennedy (with her Dame Edna glasses). She hosts an internet show called SexyBeijing, at www.sexybeijing.tv (a play on the Sex in the City theme) where she interviews Chinese folks on the street about their sex and love life. Pretty daring consider she’s a White American girl, except she’s speaking Mando (can my Mandarin speakers chime in on how good her accent is?). By the way, she’s single and looking for a Chinese man, as you can see in the video below. Hey, if my Chosen brothers in NYC can date Asian chicks, why can’t the Yellow Man be Chosen in China!?

Conversations with a White Southern Tourist in Australia

AzN met a sweet Floridian family today while down undah. White, mom/dad, daughter/son. Daughter looked like the kid from Little Miss Sunshine. Glasses and all. It was us 5 and another Asian dude on a tour.

Dad: I’m Mike, that’s my son Mark, my wife Anne, and my daughter Annika.

AzN: I’m Vu. You guys are so cute, all M’s and A names!

Awkward silence.

Dad: Where you from?

AzN: San Francisco, and you?

Dad: Florida, just outside Ft. Lauderdale. How about you (looks over to other Asian guy

Elvin (like the huxtable in-law): Hi, I’m Elvin.

Dad: Where you from Alvin?

Elvin: Alabama.

Dad: Funny, you don’t look like you’re from Alabama (smirks and looks at family for a chuckle. Awkward silence. Turns to Aussie tour guide and says, he’s not your typical Alabaman, he must be a doctor where he lives).

(Elvin is a professor at the University of Alabama)

Floridians at home, ruining Presidential elections. Floridians abroad, out to ruin us all.

Funny Peeplrs with Ken Jeong

This comes by way of our boy Slanty over at slanteyefortheroundeye.com.

Judd Apatow really can’t do no wrong. The man writes/directs Knocked Up and 40-Year Old Virgin, produces Superbad and Forgetting Sarah Marshall and singlehandedly launches the career of blockbuster gold like Jonah Hill, Michael Cera, James Franco, Jason Segel, and Seth Rogen (among other countless actors/actresses you surely see on a regular basis). And creates the single best season of a comedy TV show of all time (Freaks and Geeks). But Jesus man, taken out of context, this clip from Funny People (which he wrote and directed) coming out on July 31st just isn’t funny. There’s a thin line between racism (Michael Richards) and racial comedy (Russell Peters), and this shit just ain’t comedy. I realize its a play on the infamous noodle slurping scene in Tom Selleck’s film, Mr. Baseball, but this sh!t goes waaay to far. The abusive husband wearing a short sleeve button up dress shirt and tie speaking with a complete lack of indefinite and definite articles, yelling at his submissive (UNSATISFIED) wife and chinky-eyed kids.

I would blame Ken Jeong, especially after his “small dick”, full frontal catastrophic (to Asian American civil rights) role in The Hangover, with his effeminate/gay/fobby accent (DAMN, that’s a lot of slashes!). I initially liked it for its self deprecating (albeit, racist overtones) until I saw this sh!t from Funny People, and realized Ken Jeong’s selling out and traded in his doctor’s coat for a Charlie Chan suit. Dude, come on. Do you want to win the award for the next Margaret Cho to be the latest and greatest Asian American comedic pariah sacrificed on the alter to eventually get a low budget, ABC Family sitcom starring you and a wacky ambiguously gay Latino roommate? It took her 10 years to come back, and she’s only got a niche market now! I implore you, take the John Cho route and stop with the small dick jokes and shitty accents.

Chris Brown Online Apology (too little, too late, too orange)

Pretty damn weird time we live in where celebrity apologies are publicly broadcasted on YouTube. In this case, its Chris Brown apologizing to every damn person in the world for him going Mike Tyson/Eric Benet/David Justice/Ike Turner on Rihanna. My favorite part is when he says he’s not going to make any excuses for his behavior, and then mentions how he came from a family with domestic violence issues.

Michael Vick and the Raider Nation

I love dogs, I really do (except chihuahuas- over sized rats should never be considered as pets…never). So yes, bankrolling dog fights is not cool. The torturing of dogs, chickens, pigs, cows, fish, elephants, or any other animal is fucked up. But let’s get some perspective on this Michael Vick dog fighting debacle.

Michael "I'd look better in Silver & Black" Vick

Michael "I'd look better in Silver & Black" Vick

 

So homie got two years in jail, lost all of his endorsements, lost his $130M football contract, and was indefinitely suspended from the NFL, because he engaged in the some unfortunate activities that caused the death and mutilation of a couple of his beloved pitbulls. Did he deserve to be punished? Of course. To the extent that he got? Questionable. 

If Michael Vick was punished for engaging in activities that tortured and killed animals, then shouldn’t every blue-blooded all American hunter also be punished? How many moose heads does Sarah “see ya later sucka” Palin have mounted on her wall as trophies? How many old white lawyers deers has Dick Cheney shot? And is it not animal torture when Paris “birdface“ Hilton dresses up that thing she calls a dog and prances around with it on the red carpet? I think so. What about every meat eater in this world? It’s not like all the hamburgers that have been eaten came from cows that just died of old age or natural causes. I’ve been to the slaughter house. I know what happens when babe goes in the back with the man armed with the pellet gun. Bacon may be your best friend, but I don’t think the feelings mutual on his end. I know it sounds like I’m downplaying what went down in Vick’s home, but what I want to understand is where those lines are drawn when we punish people for killing defenseless animals and is there more room to maneuver within those lines for different types of people.

Now I don’t want to speculate and make assumptions, but my feeling is that if Michael Vick was a white hall of fame basketball player with hella illegitimate kids running around, say like Larry Bird or some shit, he probably would have gotten 500 hours of community service and force to make a phat contribution to the SPCA, but that’s just speculation on my part.

Anyways, for those of you keeping up with the NFL, you’ve probably heard by now that Michael Vick, who was released on May 20, was reinstated into the league today by the NFL commissioner, Roger Goodell, pending his ability to show remorse (shouldn’t be too hard now that he’s bankrupt and po’). Now all Vick needs to do is find a team that’s willing to sign him. That’s where I say the RAIDERS should come into play. I f’n hate Al Davis with a passion. That fat greedy SOB has been nothing but a capitalist nuisance to the City of Oakland. BUT, if he does the unthinkable and signs on Michael Vick, I may actually consider watching a Raider’s game next season. Why? There are a couple of reasons why I think Michael Vick and the Raiders are made for each other…

First, Michael Vick is on PETA’s shitlist for life and whichever team signs him must be prepared for the fact that he brings with him baggage, and by baggage I mean PETA protestors. Who’s scarier and more annoying than PETA protestors? Raider fans. I can almost guarantee you that once those PETA protestors show up with their mock blood red paint prepared to splash it on a die hard silver and black, we’ll be seeing some real bloodshed. And trust that no raider nation tailgate party will ever be disturbed by a PETA protest.

Secondly, the Raiders have sucked ass for years. Yea, I said it. Michael Vick may be a terrible pet owner, but he was a badass quarterback- something the Raiders haven’t seen in a long time. The dude’s been in jail working out, which is probably more than what any of the current Raider players have been doing during the off season. He’s got a lot he has to prove. Which means he won’t be playing based on ego, like 99.9% of the NFL players normally do. Rather, he’ll be playing based on his need to earn back his fans and build back what’s left of his tarnished reputation. Perhaps, this is all in vain so that he build back his endorsement portfolio. But that’s besides the point. The immediate need for the Raiders, is a good solid player that can lead the team. The immediate need for Michael Vick is a team willing to give him a chance, with a die hard fan base that cares more about a superbowl championship than animal rights (most of whom probably bankroll their own dogfights on 84th and MacArthur). And seriously, are we really banking on Jeff Garcia to take us all the way? Seriously?

This relationship between the Raiders and Michael Vick is the only one I see that fits. I mean there’s no way that he’d be able to play in that self righteous city across the bay. It just makes sense for the league’s most undesirable player to play for the league’s least desirable team. So here’s to hoping we see you in the nickel and dime in October Michael Vick.