Archive for April, 2009

Hmong in Hminnesota

Posted in Awesomeness, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on April 30, 2009 by aznheartthrob

So it took me some time and some creative driving in my rented Ford Focus, but I was finally able to find a Hmong food joint in St. Paul, Minnesota, where the largest population of Hmong people live in an urbanized city (cause they’ve historically been a people without borders, duh!). The Hmong are pretty damn engrained in life here in Minnesota, they’re the largest Asian American population in the Twin Cities. And it was pretty (un)surprising that they didn’t have a legitimate restaurant. I mean, they didn’t have an actual country and the U.S. government pretty much left them in the cold (literally) in Minnesota. So to come up with the funds to get a Hmong restaurant open, try to attract Hmong eaters (who probably get better food at home) and lure White Minnesotans (who still can’t handle sushi) would spell disaster for would be restauranteurs. 

The whole adventure required me to drive to St. Paul from Minneapolis to a crappy strip mall with a closed down Hmong restaurant attached to the Foodsmart Grocery store (their Hmong restaurant will open in May 2009) where I randomly asked Hmong Americans where (other than their homes) I could go to buy some prepared food. The answer? Double Dragon Foods (I have no idea why every Hmong grocery store pluralizes “food”). 

So when I finally get to the Hmong deli attached to Double Dragon Foods, I feel completely out of place. I’ve never felt so out of place at an Asian spot before. Not even in Asia. I feel like I personally made these people lose their land and promise them immigration to America if they killed them some VCs, only to take it all away, send them to America for the promised dreams of a white picket fenced house and a pink Cadillac. Only to force them into Christian groups and sh!tty apartment buildings in snow-all-the-damn-time St. f’n Paul, minutes from the state capital (the house that Jessie “The Body” Ventura built). Plus, I stood out like a sore thumb, dressed appropriately for an American Planning Association National Conference, not for a Hmong deli in St. Paul. Twice I was asked if I was Chinese (completely out of context to the conversations I was having with people). 

But you know what? It was worth it. Cause I got sticky rice, chicken & eggs, the best f’n papaya salad ever (made from scratch), 3 color dessert drank, breaded beef kebabs, and rice sausage all for the Second Great Depression price of $19. Wait, what is rice sausage you ask? Funny you should mention it, cause I didn’t know what it could be either. I had to axe somebody. Is it rice or is it sausage? Is it sweet like a dessert or plain like white rice? Its everything and anything. But the best part is it looks like this: 

Its rice, shaped to look like sausage. But it has the same texture as sausage, including an eerily accurate intestine-like tasting skin.

Its rice, shaped to look like sausage. But it has the same texture as sausage, including an eerily accurate intestine-like tasting skin.

So please, if you’re in Minnesota for some reason, check out the above places, just don’t tell anyone about them. Cause they’re barely Yelp’d, and we all know a great Asian restaurant getting Yelp’d is equivalent to what Chris (the American GI) did to Kim (the Vietnamese hooker) in Miss Saigon.

How to Apply Make-Up and Love Jesus by RiceBunny

Posted in Awesomeness, Baby, HAWTNESS with tags , , , , on April 29, 2009 by aznheartthrob

aZnHeartThrob is always on the look out for the next ex-Mrs. Throb. And I think I’ve found her: Southern Belle, Michelle Phan, aka Ricebunny.

Ricebunny, you provide the world much needed make-up advice on your own YouTube Page

You rock Batman t-shirts and play Street Fighter Third Strike and talk about unlocking characters on SFIV. You listen to OM Records artists like Samantha James (you Floridians love you them OM Records loungey ish don’t cha?) and have an oh-so soothing voice with a slight Yiet-na-mee accent that comes out when you use terms like “whispy”. But, alas, you’re ex-wifey material cause you still rock the Ed Hardy look (dammnit girl, purple does not go well with eagle or gold chain!):

michelle

Christian Audigier ruins lives.

 and the Jesus Love (yes, I went to her MySpace page and found this. I admit it):

jesus

Jesus holding Baby Jesus? This somehow reminds me of the always complicated time shifting John Connor plot lines in any of the Terminator films.

Asian American Idol Part Deuce

Posted in All Class, Awesomeness, HAWTNESS with tags , , , , , , , , on April 27, 2009 by Cbruhs

Join CBruhs and friends for a enchanting evening of: Crooning! Swooning! Prizes! Celebrities! Judging! Celebrity Judges!

Watch local karaoke competitors dust off the magic mic and throw down for a shot at the AA Idol title and goodies like recording a track with an award-winning producer, Rock Band 2, and karaoke packages. And YOU get to vote — feel the dizzying power of democracy in action!

aaidol

All proceeds benefit the good work of the Coalition for Asian American Children and Families (CACF), the nation’s only pan-Asian children’s rights group. Aaaand it’s in the swankyass club BLVD, with $5 drink specials. Woot!

The Host
Taiyo Na singer/songwriter/MC
The Judges
Parisa Montazaran singer / The Real World Sydney
Heather Park singer and musician
Malan Breton designer / Project Runway
Music by DJ Alias.
Tuesday April 28th
6:30pm
BLVD 199 Bowery @ Spring St,  NYC
$20 pre-sale tix here or $25 at the door.

Presented by CACF Action Council

Urban Outfitter Founder is a Staunch Conservative – What?!

Posted in Hipster Racism with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on April 25, 2009 by aznheartthrob

I was going to start a new category called “Hipster Hypocrisy”, but I can’t imagine another blog post ever needing that tag… So bottomline is that Richard Hayne, Founder of Urban Outfitters (or “Dick” Hayne if you went to UPenn, where the founder started Urban Outfitters) hates the gays. Huh? You’re probably thinking back on your last trip to Urban and wondering if you saw a pro-gay marriage shirt alongside the Big Lebowski shirts (cause BL is the new Swingers for this generation’s hipster movie cool),  “Things Go Better With Coke” shirts (I get it, its Coca-Cola! Not, umm…), “Pittsburgh: City of Champions” shirts (I get it! Its hipster ironic cause Pittsburgh actually sucks balls!), or anti-Bush/Pro-Obama shirts (wh-what? I guess this is where the hypocrisy comes in! They even have the nerve to use a NY Times article clipping for the Obama shirt! urgh).

But the worst offense was letting shirts like “New Mexico: Cleaner Than Regular Mexico” pass on by despite all the racial steretypes and sexual innuendos that are typically on Urban shirts, but not allowing a Pro-Gay Marriage shirt to sell after one week on the shelf despite the fact that there was little negative fanfare about the message. The shirt just says “I Support Gay Marriage” in the obligatory all-over print, yet it was pulled from California shelves for only one possible reason: The Founder, tricky Dick Hayne. Apparently, he responded by saying the shirt was selling and threw in “but my CEO’s gay!” Right, cause after ONE WEEK you know the shirts not going to sell… 

20081208_samesex_250x375

But I guess SOME people knew all about this, cause in August of last year a group of “anti-hipster hooligans” destroyed the inside of an Urban Outfitter in Milwaukee.  But I get it. Fine. Dick, you were once a liberal when you graduated college. You originally named your first store The Free People Store. And some of us stay progressive, while others follow Churchill’s words: 

“Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has no heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.”

But this doesn’t mean you can sit up there in your office and sell us this Obama shirt, and this Obama shirt, and this Obama shirt, and this Pro-Communist shirt, and this anti-Bush shirt, and this “America: Under New Management” shirt, with nary a message that supports any of your own views and think I won’t call out your ass for being a hypocrite. 

Friday Fuckery: The Wang of the Nation

Posted in All Class, Awesomeness, Creeptastic, Friday Fuckery with tags , , , , , on April 24, 2009 by Cbruhs

This is equal parts genius and grody, my fave combo. If Jersey is the armpit of America, then according to this MTA map, Brooklyn is the…well, you can see for yourself:

Insert joke involving Flatbush or Ridgewood here

Insert joke involving Flatbush or Ridgewood here

Of course Manhattan is the main attraction and BK is the lesser accessory, the uninvited twins, and the ‘hoods that take way too much effort to mess with.  Yes, I’m talking about commute time, pervs. And where Staten at?

Fellow NYCers, in which part of the male junk system is your subway stop situated?  Looks like I’m roughly somewheres around the, I believe the scientific term for it is, “peehole”. AKA prime real estate in accordance with its central and convenient location. Again — commute time!!!  Now can someone please design an NYC fla-fla map?

Blog War: Bicoastal Bitchin vs. Bicoastal Bitching

Posted in Bitch please! with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on April 24, 2009 by aznheartthrob

We calling you two out.

bicoastal-bitching

Long & Pointless Sarah and Akymbo of bicoastalbitching.blogspot.com, the good folks of Bicoastal Bitchin, who started off a good half year before your site started, are willing to battle it out for the BcB title. Since we, too, are on both coasts, we are willing to meet in any of the following neutral sites, conveniently located near San Diego, The Bay Area, and/or New York City:

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Barstow, California
Kinsley, Kansas

Cuase its

Kinsley, Kansas: The exact midpoint between SF and NYC

The weapons of choice will be Trivia Night at a neutral bar or Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. Or, if God willing, you are ready to accept a Dance Battle. Or maybe a drumline off?

Why are we doing this? Cause you are sick, sick people who blog about lepers, sex, and Fascism. But worst of all, when someone accidentally Googles “Bicoastal Bitching”, the correct spelling of our glorious site, instead of “Bicoastal Bitchin”, they get your site. Which is what this blog post is for. Hopefully now we’ll get some “Bicoastal Bitching” Google searches, and all will be well in the universe. Again. Blog War has begun.

 

 

pppssstt. Down here.

To whichever Bicoastal Bitch that’s in NYC, let’s get us some drinks! I’m in Brooklyn, but I can meet you in Tribeca or Chelsea or wherever you are… ok, you know how to reach me. bye.

Obama is a Bad@$$ Mutha ***

Posted in Awesomeness, Uncategorized with tags , , , , on April 23, 2009 by aznheartthrob

20081008_obama_pointing_finger_yelling

President Obama’s bestseller, “Dreams of My Father”, is a poignant autobiography of our President’s biracial upbringing. Its also filled with curse words. Curse words that President Obama read for the audiobook edition. Which means there’s mp3′s of him saying classic lines like: 

Ignorant Motherfuckers” and “That guy ain’t shit. Sorry ass motherfucker

Click above quotes for the mp3′s and enjoy.

Miley Cyrus Likes Coldplay More Than Radiohead. What About You?

Posted in Bitch with tags , , on April 23, 2009 by aznheartthrob

So we’ve been picking on Miley since the whole Chinky Eyes thing, and we’re gonna keep on doing it. After she dissed on Radiohead because they dissed on her, apparently, she had a grand ole time with Coldplay to make up for it. And if there’s one thing I know about both those groups and their fans, its that fans of either group aren’t too keen on the other. If you like the operatic, ballardy, falsetto voice of Chris Martin foolishly running in circles and pounding on a piano while jumping around doing a rain dance, you sure as hell ain’t going for Thom Yorke molesting a microphone while Radiohead is playing on a stage that resembles the inside of an android’s womb. 

=

“Asian” Restaurant Gripes (Part 2)

Posted in Bitch, Bitch please!, fucktards, please!, Uncategorized, WTF?! with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 22, 2009 by aznheartthrob
80% of AzNHeartThrob's tongue burning cases are a result of Nabeyaki Udon slurped too fast.

80% of AzNHeartThrob's tongue burning cases are a result of Nabeyaki Udon slurped too fast.

 

-To the White couple on my left at the BK Heights sushi joint. Great, you’ve graduated from California Rolls and Maguro Nigiri onto to Hamachi Nigiri and Tobiko on everything. Really, congrats. But don’t sit there and stare, judging me cause I ordered Udon. I’m sick and when Asian folks feel cold and sick, they don’t crave chicken soup, they crave rice porridge or noodles. So stop staring at my bowl, thinking, “What is that? How can he eat noodles at a sushi restaurant?”, cause I’ll give you props if I ever see a white dude scarf down a steaming hot Nabeyaki Udon iron bowl and a plate of Uni Nigiri at any Japanese restaurant.

Try catching a fly with a fork.

Try catching a fly with a fork.

-To the restaurant workers that always gave my white coworkers forks and me chopsticks, we get it. Odds are if you give the white man a fork, he’ll bitch and complain and ask for chopsticks (cause he learned, you know, just to eat that kung pow chicken), only to realize he needs a fork for the Bak Choy I ordered. But by giving me chopsticks, I get bitched out, albeit passive agressively by my white brothers and sisters for the restaurant’s racial profiling. I have an idea, save the environment and give everyone a fork. You’re saving the landfill from another set of wood chopsticks, and you’re saving water too cause , hell, we all know you ain’t washing those forks reserved for the gwei lo’s…

An ancient Ming Dynasty warrior statue located at any and every PF Changs.

An ancient Ming Dynasty warrior statue located at any and every PF Changs.

-To the waiters at PF Changs (yes, I have been here, this is what happens when you are forced to eat with colleagues). That thing you do, where you set up a sauce mixing performance that consists of vinegar and soy sauce and hot sauce and whatever else is leftover? Stop it. You’re embarassing yourself, your family, me, the Xia to the Qing Dynasties, the Salvadoran sous chefs, the Genghis Khan/Mongolian horse/Terracotta soldier statues behind you and the Chinese mom in Joy Luck Club that gets soy sauce poured all over her food.

-To people that eat at PF Changs on a regular basis. Please consider diverting your culinary ineptitude towards Panda Express instead. Then multiply the cost of your meal by 4, and Paypal the difference to bicoastalbitchin[at]yahoo.com. Trust me, you’ll thank me later for saving you from the 4 minutes of sitting through the aforementioned sauce mixing demonstration.

BcB Podcast Interview with The Big WOWO

Posted in Awesomeness, Uncategorized with tags , , , on April 21, 2009 by aznheartthrob

 

http://www.bigwowo.com/2009/04/bicoastal-bitchin-podcast/

Click for a Podcast interview with Sherdizzle, C-Bruhs, and aZnHeartThrob

 

Thanks again to Jaehwan of The Big WOWO and The Fighting 44s, one of BcB’s biggest fans, for doing a 4-way interview with the BcB crew. If you’d like to hear the sound of our voices like we do, check it out for 30 minutes of pure bliss.  You’ll get great insights into how we write our posts (drunk), how to pronounce C-Bruhs (kinda), what our real names are (Vu Nguyen, google me, I dare you), how we get so many posts up so fast (does anyone need a snarky & sarcastic blog writer for their Fortune 500 firm?), how progressive our backgrounds are (Marxist), and what plans we have for the site (drunk Twitter mini blogs and more FUNdraising).

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