Dear Ousted American Colonizers,
Obama and Gordon pose for a Restoration Hardware ad.
Ever since the Revolutionary War, you’ve been bitter. I know, I realize this. Completely understandable. But instead of wasting your time nitpicking on which world leader, President Obama or Prime Minister Gordon, gives better gifts, why don’t you all focus your time and money on sending your chefs to Le Cordon Bleu on the other side of the English Channel to spare us fish & chips/meat pies and buying the Chinese weather machine from China to improve your atrocious wether. So what if Obama gave your Prime Minister 25 American movie classic on DVD that won’t work on your Region 2 DVD players while your Prime Minister gave Obama a pencil holder made from the wood of the Victorian anti-slave ship HMS Gannet, whose sister ship, the HMS Resolute, was used to make the Presidential desk in the Oval Office.
And so what if your Prime Minister’s wifey gave Malia and Sasha some pricey dresses from Top Shop vs Michelle Obama’s gifts, a pair of model helicopters of Marine One for your boys. Some toys that are probably available at the White House gift shop? We have other things to worry about, like saving the world economy. And don’t think we’ve forgotten about the MARSHALL PLAN. Fine, we’ll give you back your pencil holder. Cause its a GODDAMN pencil holder, I don’t care if it was made with the bark from the tree that Adam pulled THE apple from, its just a storage place for F’N pencil which our President probably won’t even F’N use cause he’s the FIRST president to have a computer in the Oval Office (is it a big surprise W didn’t use a computer?). Also, we’ll give you back Malia and Sasha’s clothes from Top Shop cause guess what, there’s a TOP SHOP IN NYC! You’re not that special. Its like the King of Sweden coming over and handing Michelle a Johan desk from Ikea and scarves/skinny jeans from H&M. Big Whoop. We’ll give you all of that back. Just hand back the $3,297,000,000 we gave you in between 1948-1951 via the Marshall Plan, plus interest. If you use paypal, please send it to UnitedStates@American.gov. What more can you ask for? Your own damn colonies saved your ass by handing over interest-free, no strings attached (kinda) cash-money and you bitch about 25 DVDs? You should be pissed Obama gave you DVDs and not Blu-Ray discs. And you better not be pissed that Obama replaced Tony Blair’s post 9/11 present, a Winston Churchill bust that was in the Oval Office, with an Abraham Lincoln bust instead. Last time I checked, Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation while Churchill was the one that threw down against the Mau Mau’s anti-British rebellion in Kenya that led to Obama’s grandfather, Hussein Onyano Obama, to be thrown in jail for a months. Assholes.
