Dear Tony Leung and Andy Lau,

Tony Leung and Andy Lau

These two never age, right?!?!

 

Dear Tony Leung and Andy Lau,

I beg you. Never leave Hong Kong. I realize that since you guys have been famous, Communist China has replaced jolly good England as your imperialist government, Korean cinema has replaced Hong Kong cinema as the main Asian form of entertainment, and your fellow colleagues from Chow Yun Fat, John Woo, Jet Li, Jackie Chan, Tsui Hark, and now Stephen Chow and Wong Kar Wai have started doing movies in the U.S. But as all of us know, those guys are the Leonardo DiCaprios and Brad Pitts of HK cinema. You two are the Di Niros and Pacinos of the game. While they go off and make Kung Fu Panda and multiple Rush Hours and Bulletproof Monk and ruined the Mission Impossible franchise, you two make Infernal Affairs (I’ll ignore the shitty prequel and sequel) which gets remade into an American movie that kills at the Oscars. Sure once in a while you guys do a pop album and make me cringe, but by staying in Hong Kong and doing real movies that show Asians aren’t just Buddhist monks or Kung fu experts, you’re providing us the movies we grew up with. The same movies I had to trek downtown to see on a Tuesday night double feature. The same ones I had to bargain to get VCDs of in Chinatown. The ones my parents and I watched together. Not the Hollywood bullshit that’s coming out today. The Jet Li movies out today are cliches of what the man was. His audience now aren’t action movie buffs, they’re the UFC loving-rap video watching- MTV crowd that got introduced to HK cinema through those shitty repackaged Wu Tang Clan dvd collections. 

So I beg you, especially you Tony. Between Hard Boiled, Chungking Express, In the Mood for Love, and Infernal Affairs, you easily have 4 movies in my Top 20. I beg that you don’t sell out and show up as the next Rush Hour Fukienese Triad villain. Or a Chinese ambassador who’s daughter gets kidnapped in the next Tsui Hark film. 

PS. Wong Kar Wai- You’re next. I’m watching you closely. Picking Norah Jones as your lead in My Blueberry Nights was a risk, a gamble you ultimately lost. Albeit, she technically IS an Asian-American actress, but she was bad. She was Julia Roberts reading from a cue card on SNL bad. So I’m watching your next move. I’m watching you more closely than Stephen Chow cause he went from Kung Fu Hustle to Green Hornet in the states and you went from directing Faye Wong/Tony Leung to Jude Law/Norah Jones. That my friend, is a step DOWN. 

PSS. I miss Faye Wong.

Thanksgiving Day Special: Racism

Pokemon!

 

Nothing makes me feel more un-American than Thanksgiving. I get it, my family immigrated here in the 70s. We didn’t come over here on the Nina, Pinta, Santa Maria or Mayflower. We didn’t know what a Turkey tasted like until 1984. We never eat mashed potatoes for dinner. I couldn’t tell you the last time I ate cranberry sauce. This however, does not mean you have a right to prematurely assume that we don’t celebrate Thanksgiving. Last time I checked, Thanksgiving was created to celebrate the first immigrants into America, and when I learned about it in elementary school (when I would draw turkeys with the outline of my hand), the immigrants that arrived on the shores of America were lily white. And the Native Americans that greeted them had just arrived across the Bering Strait from Asia (a millennia previously). 

So when you come up to me on November 20th and ask me what I’m doing for Thanksgiving, I’m going to say:

“Oh, the usual, Turkey, Stuffing, Mashed Potatoes. The works, you know what I mean Tad?!”

But what my passive-aggressive Asian-ass WANTS to say:

“We’re eating a mutha-fuckin’ turkey and stuffing and mashed potatoes you racist fuck. What else do you think we’re doing? Sure, we’ll have escargot (thank you French Colonism!) and banana leaf wrapped sticky rice, but we’re gonna eat like its Boston Market on a Friday night biyyraatch!” 

Gobble Gobble.   

 

Angry Asian Girl

because it’s thanksgiving…

…we’re told that we should reflect on all the things that we should be thankful for in our lives. but that’s just bullshit because we all know what really happened to the natives. the story of thanksgiving is like a real bad codependent relationship where one partner milks the shit out of the other one, then one day ups and leaves them alone and desolate. the natives are like the not so cute girl who finally grabs the attention of the sauve hot guy (the european colonists). he rolls into her life with his suped up japanese import car (the mayflower) and sweeps her off her feet by whispering sweet nothingness in her ears- promising her a life of great sex, fancy dinners, and great sex. they go on their first date at the fancy four star restaurant (the first thanksgiving dinner), they dance, laugh, and talk about what the future holds. in her mind she’s already planning out the wedding, the kids’ names, and the cuisinart appliances for the kitchen counter. after a night of quick mediocre sex, he realizes, he can’t commit and wants out- but not before he managed to suck out of her every ounce of hope and livelihood. now she’s alone and wondering what the fuck happened. so yes, lets use this time to reflect on all the things that we are thankful for.

 

and because i’m filled with rage, here’s a list of people whom i would be thankful for if they ate undercooked food and get a mad case of the runs this thanksgiving…

ann coulter, because she’s a bigoted bitch.

storyvert.coulter.ed.gi.jpg

michelle malkin, because she is a disgrace to all things asian/pacific

elizabeth hasselbeck, because she is fucking ANNOYING

that douchebag doctor that rear ended me on middlefield and hamilton

DS of NYC by way of NJ, because she made my last semester of grad school a living hell. that BITCH.

the people at 3beads for not letting me reschedule my one day jewelry making workshop.

SPRINT because i just got my cancellation bill in the mail.

tom ford for making his sunglasses so damn badass but so frickin expensive.

the family who sat behind me at the big game because they wouldn’t STFU.

the person who properly installed the traffic camera in menlo park that captured me running the red light. UGH

 

so who are you wishing for food poisoning on this holiday season?

Up Yours, Erin Gray

It’s Celebrity (Has-Been)-Fun- With-Accents Time!…. Again.

Our most recent offender is Erin Gray, who played some superhero in the 1970s TV show Buck Rogers.

Someone give this hoebag a Daytime Emmy

Someone give this hoebag a Daytime Emmy

Yeah, I dunno who that is either.

But apparently, she fancies herself such a great actress and cultural expert on the Ways of Asian Folk that she busted out a milk-curdling “Chinese” accent on CBS’ Early Show when answering a question about tai chi. In front of the host, Julie Chen. A Chinese woman. Gooooong!

Fake superhero or not- this woman needs a neckchop! And a lazer eye beam zombie skin sizzlin’ ass kickin’. And a robot frenzied high steppin’ demolition x-ray- uh, you get the idea.

Location, Location, Location

Sometimes, a good map can solve more problems than you think. You may look at a map like this and think its just the Novemeber 4, 2008 Electoral Votes:

The 2008 Electoral College

But I see a handy Guide on Where to Live in the USA. Thinking of traveling or taking that promotion out-of-state? Quickly, take a look at this map and decide if you should really take that VP position if its in Atlanta, or Austin, or Phoenix. Wanna take your kids on a nice vacation? Hopefully its in Orlando, St. Paul or Boston. Thinking of driving cross country? How about a nice relaxing coast-to-coast flight instead?

As an added bonus, I’m giving you this handy guide on Where NOT to Live in the Bay Area. At any of the End of the Line Stations along BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit):

BART

We’re talking Pittsburg, Fremont, Daly City, Millbrae, Dublin, Pleasanton and Richmond. Don’t do it. Spend the extra money and move one BART stop over (San Francisco, Oakland, Walnut Creek, and Berkeley).

Open Letter to All Californians Who Voted YES on 8

Dear Bigots:

What the fuck is your problem?? Who are YOU to deny the CIVIL RIGHT of ANYONE else? You fucktards. Take your conservative religious views and stuff it up yo ass.

Now, that I have your attention, I just want to ask, why did you vote yes? Why? Why? Well, there are three reasons why I think your ignorant asses marked YES on your ballots yesterday.

1. You think it will affect your children’s education.

2. You hate gay people.

3. Both of the above.

First of all, in no way shape or form is it required in schools to teach any child about marriage in the state of California. Jack O’Fucking Connell even made a television commercial to tell you that it has NOTHING to do with education! So where the hell did you get this idea that same sex marriage/relationship is a part of the educational curriculum in schools. Now, in my opinion, so what if it is?! But, it isn’t. SO your first reason has no validity whatsoever you dumbass.

Secondly, you think a man&man or woman&woman marriage/relationship threatens family values? Really? If you want to rid all things that undermine family values and the sanctity of marriage then protest against shows about golddiggers wanting to marry a millionaire or 25 cougars trying to win over the heart of a douchey whiteboy. Don’t tell me that same sex marriages, or even the LGTBQ community in general undermines your holy standards and values when there are a plethora of other things in this society that goes well beyond what is “traditional” family values. I don’t see you up and arms at divorce courts or outside of the law offices of divorce lawyers protesting the fact that divorce rates in this country is overwhelming over 50%, because doesn’t divorce also undermine your holy standards?? So if the reason you voted yes on 8 is because you hate gay people, then I hope your face gets smeared in shit tomorrow.

The LGTBQ community, just like you homophobes, have every right to get married, have babies, and realize that they aren’t compatible and get a divorce just like YOU. So, again, who the hell are you to deny them that right?

Sincerely,

One of the 48% who voted AGAINST 8

ps. for all of you who are curious to know what dumbasses contributed to the YES on 8 campaign, check out sfgate’s database.

picture-5

alone time

To All the Ladies on the 5th floor:

I understand that there’s just one ladies’ restroom for the entire floor. I counted and there are about 23 of us X chromosome bearers that have to use that restroom, which makes it a little difficult to get some quiet alone time in there at any point throughout the day. Now, it’s not a huge restroom – 2 stalls – so any movement, sound, squirt that comes out, is heard – loud and clear. And being the classy dame that I am, I normally don’t like doing the duty with other people in the stall next to me. That being said, you ladies make it very difficult and uncomfortable for me to do the dirty dirty. I don’t get it, why is it that as soon as I walk into the restroom, one of you show up right behind me? Forcing me to fake pee and leave without unloading my unwanted treasures. And I normally go about 2-4 times a day (yea, I eat a lot of fiber). This cannot be healthy for me to hold this all in until I get home or until i get some quiet time, whichever comes first. And even when I do get some quiet time, I find myself rushing to get it over with, fearing that any moment, one of you will walk through the door and totally kill the mood. Why? I really can’t go on like this. Something has got to change. Do I need to put a sock on the door when I go in so that you all know to stay the hell out? Do I need to get a Dr’s note and post it on the bulletin board to announce to you all that I DON’T WANNA HOLD IN MY SHIT (literally and figuratively!) because it’s not healthy for me? What must I do to get some alone time in there?

 

Sincerely,

All Clogged Up

 

 

 

 

Dear Ed Hardy Guy.

ed_hardy_11

 

Your shirt, the one with the snake and the heart and the dagger and the gun and the bedazzles and the eagle clutching a heart and a dagger and a star and a gun and wreath with all the leafs surrounding a skull. Your $100 shirt is whack. It was whack in ’04 when it was called Von Dutch: 

 

von_girls_500

 

and it will ALWAYS be whacked. Trust me, in 15 years, all the pics of you in “da clubs” of Miami, LA and Vegas will be long gone, thrown in the trash and you will forget it. Hopefully you’ll realize this before tattooing any of the logos on yourself.  

An Open Letter to the Admin People at My Work

Dear 40 year old admins at my work:

I get it. You like to dress scandalous and go cub hunting with your fellow cougar friends on Thursday night happy hours in Silicon Valley staples like TGIF and Appleby’s. For this, I applaud you. But this does not mean you should wear a wife beater, cropped pants, and sandals to work when its 90 degrees outside. Why you ask? If its hot outside, you should dress appropriately? No. Because when its hot outside, the AC is cranked on inside. And in the lovely city of San Jose, the amount of time you spend outside directly correlates to how far away you parked your car from the front entrance of work. So do NOT adjust the thermostat to suit your needs, cause I got on wool slacks and a button up shirt. And I can’t wear a wife beater to work or sandals. And DO NOT bring a personal heater to work because you lean it against your PC, heat up the damn office and make the air smell like burnt rubber.

Sincerely,

Everyone Else But You